Page 1 of 1 [ 5 posts ] 

Jono
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 10 Jul 2008
Age: 44
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,657
Location: Johannesburg, South Africa

04 Jan 2015, 3:53 pm

I've found out about this new book by Maxine Aston called "What Men with Asperger Syndrome Want to Know about Women, Dating and Relationships". I know that it's written by Maxine Aston and I've critical of her in the past but this one seems to be written specifically for men on the spectrum and gives tips on how to find a partner as well as how to maintain the relationship later on. Has anyone read it and what do you think of it? Also, why is it only for men? Shouldn't there be a similar one for female aspies?

http://www.amazon.com/Asperger-Syndrome-about-Dating-Relationships/dp/1849052697/ref=la_B001JP7THM_1_4?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1420403749&sr=1-4



pj4990
Raven
Raven

User avatar

Joined: 9 Dec 2014
Age: 39
Gender: Female
Posts: 106

04 Jan 2015, 5:12 pm

From Look Inside p61:

"The rule in attraction is that you always need to stay at the rating as yourself and try not to go up or down more than one level. This information is very useful if the man is exploring dating sites or is considering someone he has met at work or in an interest group. So if a man rates himself at 7 he should be looking for a prospective partner who would be rated at between 6 and 8".

Oh dear. Oh dear. Oh dear. If I wanted complete rubbish made up by teenagers I'd ask a particularly daft teenager. It's extremely worrying that someone who actually gets people to pay her for relationship counselling is coming out with lines like that, I'm pretty sure some poor quality AI fed by trashy women's mags could do better.

Also for me (although I'm not a man), a partner who shares an interest, preferably a special interest, is an absolute essential thing. I would be surprised if that was unusual, but she doesn't appear to mention it. If I did the traditional dating thing, anyone put off by me talking about my special interests on the first date would be dead loss anyway so it's not a no-go topic at all! Likewise politics and religion, if you're offended by my views, a relationship would never work, I am opinionated and close companions need to be people who I can b***h about things like that with.

There isn't one for female aspies because writing about female aspies doesn't give her an outlet for misandry.



Jono
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 10 Jul 2008
Age: 44
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,657
Location: Johannesburg, South Africa

05 Jan 2015, 5:47 am

pj4990 wrote:
From Look Inside p61:

"The rule in attraction is that you always need to stay at the rating as yourself and try not to go up or down more than one level. This information is very useful if the man is exploring dating sites or is considering someone he has met at work or in an interest group. So if a man rates himself at 7 he should be looking for a prospective partner who would be rated at between 6 and 8".

Oh dear. Oh dear. Oh dear. If I wanted complete rubbish made up by teenagers I'd ask a particularly daft teenager. It's extremely worrying that someone who actually gets people to pay her for relationship counselling is coming out with lines like that, I'm pretty sure some poor quality AI fed by trashy women's mags could do better.

Also for me (although I'm not a man), a partner who shares an interest, preferably a special interest, is an absolute essential thing. I would be surprised if that was unusual, but she doesn't appear to mention it. If I did the traditional dating thing, anyone put off by me talking about my special interests on the first date would be dead loss anyway so it's not a no-go topic at all! Likewise politics and religion, if you're offended by my views, a relationship would never work, I am opinionated and close companions need to be people who I can b***h about things like that with.

There isn't one for female aspies because writing about female aspies doesn't give her an outlet for misandry.


What do you mean? Page 61 wasn't part of the "look inside" review for me. For me it ended on page 31, so I didn't read that and she did mention special interests a number of times in the pages that I did read. For example on page 30, where it mentions the pros and cons of using a social group to find a woman to date it says:

Quote:
You can find someone who shares your interests


as one of the pros. Also in the opening paragraph on when it starts talking about meeting women on dating sites it says:

Quote:
Internet dating for many men with AS may seem to be an ideal choice as it gives the chance to actually choose a woman in advance that they find attractive from her photograph and who appears to share their interests.


So, while I agree with you that sharing a special interest is important in a partner for an aspie, whether male or female, I'm reading in a couple of places that she does actually mention this.

Regarding what you quoted regarding attraction, though I didn't read it, partly looks like common sense to me if you're just talking about physical attraction. It's unrealistic to expect look for someone who's extremely attractive if you know they're not going to find you attractive, regardless of whether you're a man or a woman.



pj4990
Raven
Raven

User avatar

Joined: 9 Dec 2014
Age: 39
Gender: Female
Posts: 106

05 Jan 2015, 6:35 am

You can see more pages if you're logged into Amazon, it gives a selection through most of the book then.

I've read Asperger's in Love which indicates she doesn't have the foggiest idea of the value of shared special interests in a relationship. She is vaguely aware that Aspies can have unusual interests, but that chapter makes it quite clear she believes the fallacy that you can easily choose new ones on the grounds of what the local paper indicates might be a good way of meeting women. The only mention I've seen of special interests rather than just casually trying things out in that preview is a risk of putting people off, not a vital thing you need someone interested in, or a big part of your life.

It also has in the cons that it might be expensive or tiring, which would not be a risk for a special interest because you'd want to be doing those things anyway even if they are expensive and tiring, this sounds very much like casually trying things out.

The book appears to have some good advice on things like how to not accidentally harass people, but a mixture of good and terrible advice aimed at people who will have difficulty telling the two apart doesn't have many advantages over no advice at all as there's already plenty of variable quality advice with no indicator how good it is out there.



pj4990
Raven
Raven

User avatar

Joined: 9 Dec 2014
Age: 39
Gender: Female
Posts: 106

05 Jan 2015, 6:41 am

Jono wrote:
Regarding what you quoted regarding attraction, though I didn't read it, partly looks like common sense to me if you're just talking about physical attraction. It's unrealistic to expect look for someone who's extremely attractive if you know they're not going to find you attractive, regardless of whether you're a man or a woman.


It's not common sense because it's no indicator that they won't find you attractive. How desireable someone is (including youself) is entirely subjective. Someone with low self esteem might rate themselves as 2/10. A woman they rate as 9/10 may consider herself 2/10 and the man 9/10. Some people don't work by looks at all. Some people like/dislike various traits and styles, e.g. I have a partner with hair he can nearly sit on and an obvious facial piercing, to some people that's a massive turnoff but I like it. My hair is a weird selection of unnatural colours, he likes that but other men don't. Rating someone high might indicate that they have a similar look and lifestyle to you, so they may also rate you highly regardless of how low you rate yourself. Never rule someone out for such a stupid reason, everyone* deserves someone THEY rate as 10/10, never mind what everyone else thinks. I know a lot of happy couples where I would personally consider one of them quite attractive and the other one quite ugly.


*Actually some people suck, they can have a 1/10 :)