Fell for a girl who is ASD, but she is in very dire straits

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Hi everyone,

I'm an NT and I've been going through some severe turmoil recently. A girl I met from a social media dating website I have just discovered has ASD. She is in severe dire straits, because she is also depressed, has been disowned by her mother, her father and brother won't give financial support (her family is wealthy but they don't want to know) and worst of all about to possibly be made homeless, all on top of this she has two children, was abandoned and abused by her ex husband and had to flee from him, and she had had to change her legal name because she whistleblew on something happening in a public organisation and someone is after her. I know this all sounds one hell of a bad hand but it's true, I started to fall for her the more she told me about her life, the more I empathised with her. We have not actually physically met but we've talked on the phone or via Facebook every day sometimes for the past month. It would be fair to say that despite her problems I'm besotted with her, she is funny, very talented (musician, teacher, now wannabe entrepreneur). I only found out she had ASD last Friday when she said her father has it, and it runs through the family.

It was hard to tell as she is actually quite flirtatious (and I've read most ASD people don't get flirting) however whenever I've tried to comfort her affectionately/verbally she either shuts down or reacts very little, of course in hindsight I see why this was but at the time it left me confused, and even hurt and I told her so, and she kept on avoiding it. I was really drunk when we were chatting on the phone (and later via Facebook) when she told me she had ASD and later on because of my misunderstanding of it I really upset her, because I told her that "No wonder you showed such a lack of empathy/emotion, when I was pouring my heart to you" (Yeah I know, probably the worst thing I could have said, but unwittingly) and she was obviously really hurt by it and stormed off. I then decided to read about ASD for the next two hours and that is what has brought me to this forum. I want to search for the truth, I want to know how I can help or talk to her (actually her personal circumstances mean it would be very difficult to me to have a relationship with her, not withstanding any ASD issues) She also called me needy for wanting to tell her I cared for her etc, and it upset me admittingly, as I just couldn't understand.

How can I comfort her or help her? I feel so powerless because she is in such trouble but when I reach out she either shuts down, reacts underwhelmingly, she really needs someone to help her, I might not be able to be the hero, but I ant to try

In my still shallow experience,
my family use a question when they want me to do something.
And I couldn't understand and was perplexed.
After I answer their question properly and I relieved, then they ask me to do something.
It is scary.
It perplexes me what to react order.

And when my family offer me something like 'do you use my room (to rest)?', and when I'm going to go the room, they make different offer like 'or do you go upstairs?'.
It upsets me so much.
Because it sounds they change their mind and don't want to use their room.
I feel I'm denied.

Like above, our expression and normal expression is different I suppose.
Our question is existing for restrict our behaviour.
And our offer is existing for enhance our behaviour.
Though, normal question and normal offer seem to mean contradict.

Besides, from our eyes, normal reaction is too late, too slow.
Our reaction and taking effort seems to much earlier and quicker.
And we often fail because we are hurrying too much.
When we need the other's reaction too eagerly, its demand is always betrayed and we are upsetted.

Perhaps, only our and healthy people's common reaction and common time flow speed is existing when we react a picture.
So, please try to use a picture card or something picture.
When you want to explain what you want and also when you want to ask her what she want.
Please don't use a word as much as you can.
Even a writing word, not speaking word, we are not good at when we are upseted.

But I'm not professional.
I'm not sure this way will work or not.

I have a facebook account too.
If you won't do well.
You can consult me everytime.
Though I'm not sure I can be your help.
If you want please ask me.

Just reading what is ´wrong´ with this girl makes me tired. I would NOT want to get into this whole thing.

Hello,

Thank you so much for that insight, it's one of the most vivid descriptions of how it feels I've read yet. She did tell me though that ASD women are very different to men in that they appear more sociable and can be less introvert, she also sounds very confident- like she went to a private school so sounds posh (which she is which is why I was surprised when she told me she has ASD). What kind of questions should I ask her? So my questions need to be straight and not ambiguous or appear to give confusing meanings?

I see what you are saying, and this is why I don't think I should fall in love with her totally, but I still want to help her either way.

"sounds posh (which she is which is why I was surprised when she told me she has ASD)"
um, perhaps, it is the other side of our diffidence.
We are scared that we can't fulfil demands from others.
It is a disability.
As much as we have a lack of confidence from such a disability, we are too confident about special matters when it is exactly treated in the way how we deal with it always.
We feel we have no right to live when we fail a matter to be asked.
So generally, we are too diffident.
If she show confidence, she is forced to do so by herself even though she generally feel her disability.

I don't think you should make your questions straight.
.... though I'm not sure again.
Probably our understanding or feeling about what is straight is different.
So I think it's difficult.
I have explained several times to my mother what I feel about her behaviour, but she doesn't seem to see it. Even though she is as kind as possible to me(perhaps).

hum..., she doesn't seem to be ASD.
I'm not sure why.
But if two persons say so.

If she is ASD.
You have done good thing already for it.
You have read about ASD and visited this site.
If she is ASD, and if you keep to try to study ASD.
It need not to be proper study perhaps.
You two can be better little by little I think.
Is this sounds illogical?

I think she is because I have no reason to believe she's lying about it, but also I did some research on ASD in girls and they have different characteristics which she fits very much so. She may possibly be not an "extreme" case though. She is however logical and detached about many things, then can go on bouts of extreme unhappiness, plus her life story fits that of ASD girl because she has had many different careers, changing courses, can't stick to one etc. Her father is also ASD because how she described her he sounds not like an NT in behaviour.

Well it is possible she is lying about it but she ticks most of the traits from the chart I've studied. She doesn't like going out & wants to stay in, eccentric, a bit of a misfit, her identity is confused, is obsessive about science & technology, very intelligent but she found it hard to make friends at school, has had trouble sticking to one career, moody, the list fits with her very well.

Reading what you wrote,
I feel sympathy with her.
So I'm so thankful to you.

I appriciate your trial.
I feel we need more persons like you.
Thank you for being for her.

It's nice to care.

But you have to consider how this would affect you.

You don't know her whole story.

It would be a risky proposition to, say, let her stay in your home.

You can't save people from situations like this. If you feel pushed away, that is because she is pushing you away. Take the hint and be glad not to get involved. Meet people in person to get to know them.

Thanks for all your comments guys. I do think it's a situation which poses too many risks, I will keep her as a friend though and try to help her out of it. I think only would a relationship be possible if she got out of this black hole, with or without my help, but it could cause me more than enough problems if I tried to fix it too hard when it's pretty borken...

I agree with the other posters that you should not get involved. I have heard so many stories of men having years of their life eaten up trying to help someone, like the other poster said. You understand this and are trying to be careful. The problem is that if you spend time helping her or just having friendly conversations, you are likely to slip into having deeper feelings, before you can stop yourself.

I think if you can truly remain friends, tell her you are sorry and that you have read some about ASD and will keep learning. Tell her you didn't mean to be pressuring or anything, and that you don't have some motive, and you just can tell she needs a friend because her life is hard right now. And say that you enjoyed getting to know her. Don't lie to her. She will figure it out anyway, and you are already on thin ice with her. And give her space if she wants it. Don't be pressuring or needy. Don't keep reacting badly to things she says.