Lonely and can't stop obsessing

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Online dating is dealing some real blows to my self esteem but I can't stop. I lay awake at night telling myself I don't need anyone and I should just give up, but I can't. I go to work and the NTs I talk to go on about their relationships and sex lives and inevitably I end up wanting what they have, or I'll see someone attractive and wish I knew the magic words that would turn them from a beautiful stranger or acquaintance into a real friend, but my clumsy attempts at that would always fail.

I've been trying online dating for well over a year now; I've tried different sites, different profiles, sending different styles of message to different types of girls. Often it's just an average girl and I don't care when she doesn't reply, but sometimes it's someone who sounds just like me, and it's quite galling that these girls don't reply either, no matter how brief or detailed I make my message or which photos of me I choose to show.

I've only been able to speak to one girl from a dating site and she wound up calling me ugly. She wasn't a very nice person, she was rude and spoiled, but at least she was talking to me. She never put any real effort into the conversation, but just to get replies whenever I messaged her was such a novelty for me that I pushed for a date and that's when she called me ugly.

Needless to say I still haven't had a date after 14 months of online "dating". Instead I've wound up with a complex: Am I boring? Am I ugly? Maybe both? Is the right girl for me really so rare? Where would I go to increase my chances of finding her?

They say there's no one right person for anyone, but how could there be more than one right person for me if I struggle so hard to find anybody at all?

I notice almost every girl on these sites seems to be ridiculously accomplished and experienced in life (or so they say), I thought there would be some nice quiet modest girls on these sites, people like me, but there aren't. Why do all these women need online dating when they claim to lead such rich full lives? It just proves what I always suspected; all these hobbies and pursuits they have didn't help them find love so why would it help me?

On the train to work this morning I was listening to some financial traders talk about their "freakishly intelligent" aspergers colleagues. They praised these guys for being able to solve any business problem, especially if it has some maths in it, but described them as awkward, abrasive, paranoid, and socially useless. And I know that's how my colleagues see me as well. I'm not even sad about it, I came to accept it a while ago.

I just wish I could meet a girl like me... someone I can tell how I honestly feel and not be made to feel ridiculous for feeling that way because its not how an NT would feel.

Every aspect of relationships is intriguing and enticing to me, the physical and the emotional. I know there's downsides, and sometimes it sounds like a massive pain in the ass, but it's got to be better than sitting on my own slowly dying of loneliness. I can't believe nobody would give me a chance or try to find my good qualities... I feel like someone sent a memo out to all girls telling them to avoid me.

I know that's not the case, so the only logical conclusion is my aspergers is obvious, and unattractive. I don't know what to do.

Keep plugging away.

Make sure you're clean, and wear decent clothes (obviously, you know this--because you're working).

Perhaps, listen to what other people are saying. If you feel you could add something (even though the subject matter is boring), do so.

I think your colleagues might be pleasantly surprised if you did this. I was thought of as being hopeless--until I started to respond to what people were saying. People (especially NT's) are instinctually suspicious of those who do not talk in a nonjob, social way.

Are you in the UK? Maybe they're talking about the present Prime Minister and criticizing him in some way. Maybe you could express agreement with that sentiment.

On the dating sites, I would emphasize YOU, rather than that that you have Asperger's.

I wouldn't give up on the online dating thing but I wouldn't change yourself to much to suit others. You are who you are & nobody can or should change that, I do generally believe that somebody is out there for everybody & will love you for who you are but I can understand the way you are currently feeling regarding this.

Your profile says you are 15. If that is the case then I don't think you should be using online dating sites.

First of all don't sweat it! You will find someone, I have been in that situation before and it does hurt. Online dating never worked for me, all the guys I found on there that were interested in me either wanted sex or used me for some rebound relationship which are not healthy ones at all. What I did that actually got me the relationship I always wanted was going to a place that catered to my interests. I'm into art and I want to become an illustrator so after I graduated I signed up for a bachelors degree in graphic design in a local art school. The people at my college are great and have a lot in common with me. And the guy I sat next to in my first semester during English and Math had a lot in common with me. There was good chemistry and that led me to having the relationship I have now. What are your interests? Are there any places that hold any kind of social events related to these said interests? If you are 15 then don't worry, high school gave me no real suitors at all. College will help probably, after all the people you see there will be in your major or related majors for the most part. The people there will be more compatible to you and you will find the girls you're looking for. Just go to places where people who have the same interests as you and make friendships. There you will find the best relationships.

I think people with Aspergers, as well as most other people, would probably be better off meeting people in person. Most people on dating sites look at your picture first, then if you look attractive enough to them, might read your profile. This is not a good way to meet people!


Like others have said, you will probably have a better chance meeting somebody that shares the same interests, if you do what you love, and hang out in those places.

Are you really only 15? I would have thought you were in your 20s. I wouldn't recommend using online dating sites until you're at least in college. Most of the people on them are older. I would look into joining groups where you could meet people at your high school if you are really that young. In my experience, dating gets easier when you are in college because there are more people around, and my university is full of weird nerds like myself. Finding dates online or in person hasn't been too difficult. Show people that you're talking to who you are and make interesting conversation. There have to be quirky girls. We do exist and find most completely normal guys boring.