Breaking up with him (NT/AS)

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We first met because I thought I might be an aspie. After meeting him in person, I'm pretty sure I'm not, but I still thought he was a great guy.

We met in person 3 months after meeting on skype. It was great, he was happy and paid attention to me and wanted to involve me in his day-to-day life.

Then a few months later, I decided I'd move in with him. I moved 1300 miles from my family to be with him, and his family. They were okay on the visit, and then they started showing their true colors when I moved. NONE of his family get along with him, so I said we gotta get out of here. He was agitated, and avoiding me all the time. He sleeps all day then works all afternoon and stays on youtube all night, there was no time in there for me. It was like I was a ghost in his families house. They hated him, and in-connection, they didn't like me either. I stayed out of everyones way and just hoped he'd want to spend a few minutes with me sometimes. I had to force him to want to spend time with me... Im thinking... if he doesn't want to spend time with me other than intimacy, what's the point of having a relationship?

So we moved out, thinking things would be better because all the stress was coming from his family. No.. it's not better. Now he's trying to control me. He says, shave, bathe, cook for me, buy only these things because they are what I like not what you like.. He doesn't get that I have my own opinions.

He does the info dump thing, which is fine, I like that he has a lot of information about things. The problem is, that's the only conversating we do anymore, and when he's done info-dumping, he doesn't want to hear what I have to say, and when I do talk he doesn't listen and has now begun accusing me of remembering things wrongly, when actually... he's not listening, and he's making up the parts he doesn't remember.

He's called his friends and mother talking about how there's something wrong with me for not remembering conversations buts it's him. He hears what he wants to hear and then gets mad when the thing he thought he heard isn't that way.

I can't use his pans, or his coffee pot. He eats 3 times more than me and expects me to give him the food that I buy for myself and Im on a budget. I can't leave any kind of snack out because it will be gone overnight with no trace of it left. We don't cook together anymore because he tells me how to cook, and I'm a good cook.

I'm about done with him. He's mentally abusive and the worst control-freak I've ever seen. He plays too rough and hurts me sometimes.

The problem is.. we have a year lease, and my family is 1300 miles away. I'm stuck.

You might say I've made a bad decision, you might say I should understand his aspieness better.

It will break his heart for me to leave.. it's breaking my spirit for me to stay. I'm getting bitter and hateful and I don't want it to end up like that. I don't know how to leave.

I'm afraid if I leave, he will lose the job he loves because he can't handle my leaving, and he'll lose the place we rent, and he'll have to live with his alcoholic stepdad who hates him... but those things are not my responisbility... what should I do?

I'm NT. Imo I would think that since the decision was made to do the year rental agreement was made by the both of you, I would go ahead and finish that agreement, but I would live just like friends - each with their own sleeping area and no "benefits". Normally I would just leave because it doesn't sound like a healthy relationship, but it also sounds like you don't want him to have to endure your leaving now because of the possible consequences to him. Although, I would plan on leaving once the year rental agreement is up and make him quite aware of your decision.

He may have a co-morbid or two. PD perhaps. Sounds rather obsessive, and controlling. Sometimes things don't work out. It happens. You can usually brake a lease, if you give an advance notice. Ask your land lord. It is usually a 60 day notice. They may take the damage deposit. They can usually fill the spot fairly easily, unless there are already alot of vacancies. People can try to make you pay, but no one can make you stay. If your health, and well being is on the line, that is an issue quite different than dealing with a person who just has AS, IMO.

I say you cut your losses and leave. If he cannot treat you with respect and make an effort, get out and quick. He sounds incredibly selfish and it sounds like a relationship is just there to serve his selfish desires. If he cannot show empathy to your needs, why the f**k should you show any to his? He is not entitled to sex, he isn't entitled to having you cook or clean for him. He can get his ass off youtube and be responsible.

Before you do so, have you communicated such things to him? Is he aware you're unhappy? Are you giving him the chances to try to change these things and work towards a healthy relationship?

OK, I don't think the advice to stay living with him if he 'plays rough' is good. If it's already not such a good relationship, his anger at being dumped could mean that you are in danger - particularly if you don't have a support structure around you. I don't know him, and statistically it's unlikely that things could develop badly, but it's simply not a risk worth taking. Besides it would be a miserable year.

You might lose your deposit, but I think a lot of landlords would be understanding of a relationship souring.

I'm sorry things haven't turned out as you hoped they would. But he is just as responsible about this as you are. I wouldn't worry that he may break down because of you leaving. He may also have regrets about entering this relationship and it may well be overall a relief to him not have to deal with a relationship.

Thanks everyone for replying.

I am visiting my family for the holidays, and I've been here for a month. Everyone keeps asking me how I like living in North Carolina and it almost makes me cry. So I've decided to tell him that I will come back to NC but I am not staying forever. I will be coming back to TX. He asked if that meant I was breaking up with him.. and I hated to say it, but I said yes. He was upset and trying to guilt trip me into staying with him. "I'll change! I'll spend more time with you!" He will change for a few days, if that, and then go back to his normal routine. I can't expect him to change, he can't, and we've tried this for months now. He tries and then can't change his routine and then I get upset and he gets agitated.. it's jut an endless cycle of unhappiness. Anyway.. He is going to keep the lease going because he loves being away from his family, he can afford it with a roommate and his mom is going to help him find one, and I can come back home.
I just hope that he doesn't wallow in self pity with excessive alcohol consumption like he did with his last break-up. (and in turn, lose his job... over this)

This entirely his choice and responsibility if he does so. He's a big kid now and having to accept consequences of his own actions is the adult thing to do. Being an aspie doesn't excuse any of this. We are still fully cognizant beings capable of living adult lives. If someone chooses not to then that's up to them. Good luck.