I Don't See it Ever Happening...

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I don't know anymore. We are already wrapping up another year and with that is another year of my life that has gone by without having a girl in my life. A girlfriend, and friend, an acquaintance. Not 1. 23 years old and counting and I have no clue when this is ever gonna happen for me.

I just don't understand what it is. I'm a pretty normal 23 year old guy, I'm no GQ model but I'm pretty solid all around. I have hobbies, I do a lot of fun things with my buddies, I have a stable job, I'm independent...I mean I can keep going but basically this 1 thing is the only thing that's missing in my life.

It just seems like everyone around me is finding someone. Even when my friends try to integrate some girls into things that we do it just never seems like I come out ahead.

My one friends throws parties once in a while and it just never seems anything can happen there or like for example last night me and a bunch of friends went rock 'n bowl. My 1 friend, who is like the best with girls had one of his friends come just so we (me and a couple other guys that are having trouble) could mingle and for some reason despite my efforts, she interacted with me the least and actually prompted conversation with the other guys.

That's just some of the stuff I don't get. One of my friends, that hasn't had a girlfriend before either, but has at least a couple of friends, tried the Tinder app. I tried myself as well after the friend that was good with girls, I mentioned above, told me about it.

It's been over a half a year. The one friend has had around 20 matches and a few dates, and I have had not 1 single, solitary match. Almost 8 months! I have all the right stuff on it, the right pictures, my bio is short and to the point. It just doesn't make any sense.

So is it just that no one sees me appealing. Not 1 female in this world...I'm just flabbergasted about this. Of course I'm also really frustrated, lonely, and sometimes depressed just thinking about if it will ever happen for me, and the holiday season doesn't help too much.

So what else could I do? I really can't think of anything for real. It's like I'm sitting in my car looking at a dead end sign. There's just nothing.

I appreciate any feedback, thanks.

I feel you. I'm 31 and still have no one. Never once gotten sex without paying for it. Of course, we are told that is all our fault that we are not attractive to women...nevermind that there is really nothing practical that we can do.

I am 29, and I remember being in my early 20s very well. What I am going to post here I hope you find to be positive, and is something I should remind myself of on a regular basis given my depressive episodes. I have never even been kissed...and somehow I am OK with that. I am straight and definitely sexually attracted to females.

Back when I was 20, I used to lament not being able to find a girl...how it was a "game" that I had the wrong instruction manual to play correctly. I found that it was largely an issue with my SELF-esteem...I wanted someone else to validate my existence...to recognize my positive qualities. I then started to think about not the initial rush of finding a girlfriend, but the life that would take place afterwards.

Aspies are by and large ill-equipped to deal with the situations that occur in relationships. I find that I am very unwilling to compromise certain things that would make being in a relationship very difficult, such as my own personal space and time. Once I started to love myself and recognize that I can be happy flying solo in the game called life, I stopped looking for "someone".

From personal experience, I found that "love" is something that develops over time, never forced, and never does it bring discomfort to you or your partner. I believe to have found it, but because love is blind, it is with someone who I likely will never get a chance with, something I still struggle to cope with to this day.

The key is not to "make it happen" at all costs, but instead to accept that one can be content without a partner and, in the case of Aspies, this may actually be preferable. Learning to love yourself is a crucial step in the process...and I will admit that it was hard for me to do this.

But to reference the title, it is something I DEFINITELY see happening with a little bit of effort . Gain confidence in yourself, and not only will it be easier for you to potentially gain the ability to form a relationship, but if you are anything like me, believe that you want to form them only if they have meaning.

Well put AspBite

There is nothing wrong with being single. I've seen a lot of the people around me make themselves miserable trying to get in relationships, be miserable in bad relationships they rushed into, and stay miserable when they become single again. It's a horrible cycle. I never tried to get into it because I was always too busy between school and extra-curricular stuff. Eventually I noticed how people kept asking my if I was lonely or upset not being in a relationship. I realized society expected me to be unhappy being single. Then I realized that society was dead wrong. After a few years, my friends figured it out. They told me that there's nothing wrong with being single and I told them that I figured it out years ago.
Of course, you (JP88) haven't clearly defined (as far as I can tell) what you're after. My above advice focuses on relationships. If you're after sex...you may as well just go buy it (Personally, I don't care about sex). If you're after love, you're going at it wrong. Sex you can chase. Relationships you can chase (but my observations suggest a low success rate). Love can't be chased. Love takes patience.
Now you did mention female acquaintance. That I have some advice on. Girls are people. I've seen a lot of guys treat girls like a different species. Are there biological differences? Yes. Are periods a concern? If you tend to talk before you think (like me), yes. Are they capable of having likes and dislikes; personal tastes? YES! And that is the key part. I know girls who laugh at fart jokes. I know some who I can share obscure geeky references with. I know some girls who can belch louder than some guys. Most of the time I forget a person's gender. Gender is biological. A person is mental and emotional. Personality. You are creating an artificial gap.

Just keep focusing on self-improvement. Work on your social skills and your personality and like any other muscle, you WILL hone it and it WILL get better, focus on your abilities.

Most guys in their 20's are competing for women in their prime alongside guys in their 30's and 40s -- people with established careers and who have learned the game, even male socialite NT's have trouble courting in their 20's, but you will cash in during your 30's and beyond, but the trick is to remain persistent and to keep learning, evolving, and so on, the game is designed to weed out inferiors, it's your duty not to become or remain one.

I've seen my brother go through 2 divorces. I don't feel so bad about being single after seeing the hell he went through with his psycho ex-wives.

I dunno, I am not seeing it happening either and I am 32 already.

and the older you are the harder it becomes.

You mean, "the older you are, the harder it becomes....if you're a guy." At least, that's what I hope you meant, Boo.

Aspies take longer to mature socially than NTs. This assumes that you stick with it after becoming an adult--you will stop improving or even regress if you decide that social interaction is just too hard and don't make the effort to become more skilled at it.

You may need to work on clothing. Many Aspies have sensory issues so they need to wear comfortable clothes. Clothes that makes you look attractive is rarely comfortable. You may need to find a better balance between feeling comfortable and looking attractive. Or at least look really good for that dating profile pic.

I know a "babe magnet" who is in his 80s!

Not sure why, he doesn't seem to be particularly tall, rich or handsome.

But, he says he has always been lucky with the ladies.

AspBite makes some very good points. I just thought I'd share a couple things of my own.

When I was a younger, I used to think and feel like you do.. until after I got laid. And then did so again.. and again. While I haven't ever really had a "relationship," yet at 32, I have had more sex than a retired porn star. So, these things can and do change in peoples' lives. I'm on the cusp of actually being interested in dating now & eventually finding a partner and having a real relationship in my life as I finally feel ready to let something like that happen vs. intentionally avoiding it because I felt I'd be a burden vs. an asset to someone in the past. Bringing this all back to what AspBite wrote, a part of how I know I'm ready to consider entering into a relationship is that I'm pretty happy solo and don't Need someone else to make me feel whole and happy. Adding someone else into my life will be a bonus vs. something I feel I'm lacking and need to try to force into my life. Make sense?

P.S. I'm gay. It's a bit of a different life/relationship/sex life progression than heteros. Also, it's probably a whole lot easier for me to get laid than most straight guys, especially since I live in the suburbs of the city with the highest gay population in the country.

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