Getting annoyed at boyfriend's mom

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My boyfriend moved to the town I live in in September. He is 31 and while I understand it's good to have a good relationship with your mom...she calls everyday or he calls her. I don't want to be annoyed by it, but I am. I feel like a jerk for being annoyed by it. I was trying not to care before but then one day she called and yelled at him cause he wasn't going to be their for xmas (as long as she wanted him to be there for) because I had to work and we don't want to be apart. So she yelled at him and I could hear it cause cellphones are loud. She said, "I'm tired of this!! She's not family it shouldn't matter!! !" It just really pissed me off. I made her a damned xmas present but after that I didn't give it to her. She throws a fit whenever she doesn't get things to go her way. I cried when she said that because I've been trying to fight back my utter annoyance and disgust (she has all three of her kids hooked on pain meds) towards her. I just can't get over how much I don't like her. For this reason and for that reason. Most of all because the habits that my bf has (smoking a pack a day, drinking soda or energy drink everyday) that are making his heart bad come from her. Even though he's an adult and can make his own choices now, I still resent her for supporting his habits. She herself has diabetes and she doesn't do anything to help herself. She eats tons of sugar and fast food. I don't want to dislike her, but I do. I'm trying to figure out how to ignore it in my mind but every time she calls my brain goes off on me and I want to talk about it with him but I don't cause I'm afraid I'm going to upset him and that he won't want to be with me anymore.

I believe several other members posted along the lines of "dump the SOB already" in the other thread. Does this BOY have magical body parts or is he made from rare elements? You've mentioned the bad choices he did, does and will make; the apple doesn't fall very far from the tree so he is very likely to turn into being just like his parents and siblings until HE gets sick of it. Seriously WHAT does he offer in the way of being a dependable companion, to the point you're so afraid to 'upset him so he leaves you'? Someone with completely opposite values from me, to spend the rest of my life with, where do I sign up? ...The more time and energy you continue to throw down this black hole (invest in this 'relationship') the more you will have to deal with his milieu. High time for a pros/cons list, which may eventually conclude that it's more preferable to spend a longer while alone although with the payoff of being in a healthier relationship with a quality person...jeez can we get Dr. Laura here already?

I know what it's like to date someone with "problematic" mothers. My last girlfriend's mother was lonely and needy, and didn't like me, for the simple reason that I got more attention than she did. Any normal partner would lay down the ground rules, and divide their time and attention up appropriately, but she didn't, because she didn't want to maker her mother mad at her. In the end, what ended up happening, was that she would go spend time with her mother, just to please her (during the time we normally spend with each other), and she severely neglected our relationship together.


Basically, they had a screwed up family dynamic, and neither was willing to change anything, so it was time to move on.

Well, she sounds like a woman with narcasitic personality disorder.

I don't like that "apple doesn't fall far from the tree" comment. Some of us have difficult parents, that doesn't make us unlovable or not worth it.

I would recommend doing some research into personality disorders.

The personality disorder is called Helicopter mom - and it's even becoming epidemic among the newer generations of parents.

That's a tricky situation. You will never get between someone and their family, they have to choose you over their family if that needs to happen at all. She sounds like an enabler and honestly I've never known anyone who loves their partners family to bits. It's an extremely common situation. But the only way to deal with it is this....

- Understand that your partner is a fully fledged adult and if he is doing things which aren't good for him, they are his choices.
- You will never change the mother/son dynamic nor her behaviour.
- All you can do is exert a more positive influence in your relationship than his mothers and let him make the choices.
- Don't even bother talking negatively about his family, ever. It will just drive a wedge between you and give the mother leverage to break up the relationship.
- Do your best to ignore whatever communications are going on unless he involves you directly in them by talking about them with you. If she calls while you are there, make yourself busy in another room until the call is over. Manage your exposure to her.

Good luck.

I agree with hurtloam it really does sound like NPD. My mom is NPD.

She will never get better, but you can manage the relationship better. Unfortunately part of managing that relationship is making some concessions - like letting him spend some more time alone with him mother. (Frankly you don't want to be there anyway). It also means letting go of the hurtful things she says and laughing off and going as little contact as you can with her.

He is going to have to come to his own decisions about his relationship with his mother, including reducing the enmeshment that he currently has.

Good luck.

Agreed with posters above. There is not much you can do about this.