I Feel Like I Was Lead On

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I finally got up the courage to tell my best friend and crush of several years that I liked him, but things didn't go well for me... At least I still have his friendship, even if it hurts now.

The thing that upset me the most was when I told him, I said something along the lines of "I thought you liked me too", and he asked why I'd think such a thing, and then tried to accuse me of reading into things, saying I just thought he was flirting with me. Later he was acting really, really nice to me, I think he knew he'd hurt my feelings and was trying to make up.

He's done things regularly like: make obvious, flirty (sometimes sexual) remarks when we are alone, put his hand over mine, lean up against me when we sit next to each other, call me pet names, play footsie with me (and I'd do it back), rub my leg/thigh, chase off guys who tried to talk to me, give me gifts, make me dinner, take me to the movies, and once he even tried to feel my breasts (but I can tell you, he never tried that again after the way I acted! ). He never asked me out and I just thought it was because he's never dated before and he doesn't know how to ask a girl out.

Even though he says he doesn't flirt with me, he only stopped after I told him I liked him. But even now, he wants me to spend all of my time with him, and he gets jealous when I talk to other guys! And when I do try to talk to other guys, he eaves-drops and wants to know what we were talking about, which is annoying! I still want to be friends, but if he doesn't want more than that I wish he'd back down and let me talk to other guys too...

I kind of feel like he's just too immature to start dating, but he likes me and wants a "flirtationship" with me (him getting to flirt with and hang out with me, but not actually having to "date" or take things to the next level, but me not seeing other guys either.)

Sorry for the rant, it's just been really hard, especially since he's the first person I've ever had feelings for (aside from just a crush). I just wanted to know what you guys think of the situation. I'm not going to let the experience ruin dating for me though. Live and learn right?

EDIT: In case you are wondering, he has aspergers, I may or may not. I doubt I'm NT either way though.

That really sucks :/

Confront him over it. Ask him what he wants from you and firmly demand he be honest.

And tell him if he keeps the 'flirty' type behavior up or even just still stops you from seeing other guys you won't be his friend anymore as he is being disrespectful to you and mistreating you.

He already has anyway by leading you on like this, using you for his own flirtations, making you think you had the green light and then turning around and saying you're just friends.

Something like this just happened with me too.

Me and my ex dated, and the we broke up.

We got back together recently, I stayed the night at her house, slept in the same bed, cuddled, etc. and just when I was beginning to develop an attachment to her again, she whisked it away and dumped me, once again her reason being she 'only sees me as a friend' and turns out she knows what she said to me but she changed her mind.

I told myself this the last time she broke up with me - I've got to stop dating people who doubt themselves, don't know what they want, or are always changing their minds (this also applies to another girl who rejected me at the start of the year, who decided she was bisexual but only wanted a girlfriend at the time, but I was in her possible boyfriend zone, then she liked guys again but I was in the friendzone and she wasn't looking for a relationship with anyone, male or female, and then she changed her mind AGAIN and ended up dating a male friend who was originally in her friendzone. All I could think was BULLSH*T).

Anyway, that's my advice to myself and that's my advice to you - stop dealing with people in life who don't know who they are, what they want, how they want to try and get it, or people who lack confidence in their ambition and have self-doubt.

Find someone ambitious, self-actualized and confident, knowing what they want out of you, what they want in a relationship, and how they are going to go about getting it.

But first, confront him over this and do your best to talk about the problem.

Best case scenario he really does like you back but is confused how to propelry show his feelings or is afraid of commitment.

Worst case scenario he never liked you back, which would make him a very creepy friend and a pervert (I'm sorry for saying that about him, but not decent male uses their female friends to flirt, touch, say sexual things to, etc. aspie or non-aspie it's wrong).

You said you no longer think you're NT, so while I think you & everyone else here have a number of good points, maybe you should try to stop holding either of you to 'typical' standards. Just seems like you're squeezing yourself in where you can be more direct...

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

The fact that he has such a problem with you talking to/socialising with other guys is a big warning sign. You should tell him that's totally not ok and goes well beyond the boundaries of a normal friendship--it's controlling and creepy and something an abusive boyfriend or husband would do. If you're not dating him, then the guys that you talk to are none of his business. It sounds like he needs you to clearly lay out what your boundaries for being friends are, and if he doesn't respect those boundaries in future I suggest you look for better friends.

All the more reason to exercise patience, I think almost everyone responds well to that. Could be you have more similar anxiety than either of you realize and you both have your own responses to that.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

Guys so often don't befriend girls just for the sake of friendship, this is not just an aspie thing.

"Even though he says he doesn't flirt with me, he only stopped after I told him I liked him. "

"but he likes me and wants a "flirtationship" with me "

Sorry but...

Not only him is confusing.

You, as well, is confusing.

You told that you like him, he told you that he wants a "flirtationship" - did any of you said No to either request?

If both were yes, isn't that kind of declaration that you are a kinda of flirt-couple? By default, common sense-wise, a relationship has the monogamous status unless it's specified otherwise by both parties.

So you either you have to tell him to break up from this type of relationship or to ask him to go to next level, you as well, what exactly do you want from him?

It's really not as uncommon as you probably think. I'm on OP's end of a 'flirtationship' except with me I kind of walked right into it, which really beats the alternative (no interaction whatsoever). Yes, there are lots of cliffhangers and grey areas but the fact any of us are still putting energy into questions like these is very telling. So is the fact that most guys freak out because we take forever to realize this...

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

This guy is out of line. I recently ended a relationship where I was treated similarly. The person wanted me to take her on dates, spend money on her, flirt with her, do stuff for her, but explicitly stated that she did not want me to be her boyfriend. I have no time for exploitation. If you want the other person to do the things associated with being in a romantic relationship but with none of the benefits of being in a romantic relationship and you call that situation friendship, in my mind you are trying to take advantage of the other person. To me friendship does not involve flirting or dates that are not dates.

Situations with blurry boundaries usually end up with hurt feelings so I try to avoid them at all costs. I try to be honest with people about my feelings and try not to send mixed signals.

People who don't know what they want will try to keep all their options open so they can have someone available when they decide they want to make a commitment. I try to avoid these people at all costs because I am not good at reading signals. I need a relationship where the other person is able to explicitly state what she wants. Of course if you don't know what you want, you can't tell me what you want.

Like others have said, it sounds like he is sending you mixed signals. I would tell him to either crap, or get off the pot. If someone is really into you, they wouldn't hesitate to take things further (in most cases). With him, it sounds like his feelings are conflicted with you, for some reason.

Inexperienced and immature people have a reputation for trying really hard to get attention and affection at all costs.. just proceed with caution, it's all anyone could tell you.