Aspie boyfriend can't live with me

Post Reply New Topic

I've been with my boyfriend who has aspergers since August 2013. I am 24, he is 23.

I found out he had aspergers 6 weeks into our relationship when he told me. Since then I've been trying to understand as much as I can about his condition. In January 2014, 5 months into our relationship he asked me to move into his flat with him despite him only seeing me once a week. I was quite pleased initially although a little cautious we were moving too fast. I suggested going on holiday to see how we get on which we did in that March, then at the end of the month my nan died which put me off moving out of my parents as I didn't want my mum to feel 2 losses too soon.

A couple of months later he brought it up again but we soon found out because I work and he claims ESA (employment support allowance) we wouldn't be able to move in without him losing his money and I couldn't afford to support us both on my wage so I suggested me going staying there from Sunday - Friday and taking my suitcase and bringing it back. He seemed quite happy to go along with this arrangement which we started doing in July.

Since then we've had a couple of set backs. I had a psychotic episode in August and got irritable with him which he took to heart and wanted a week's break from me. He was relatively supportive during this period but said he wanted another break when it started to intensify again. This left me feeling like he was letting me down at a point when I needed his help the most. I never put pressure on him to let me stay with him again it was always him inviting me again which we did up until just after Christmas time this year when he told me he didn't want to be in a relationship with me. He said although he loved me, he preferred to be alone and it didn't help that we had had a couple of disagreements where I got annoyed because he served spaghetti and meatballs with tomato ketchup instead of bolegnaise sauce and another where I burned a quiche in the oven because I had never used it before and put the grill on by accident and I didn't like his reaction to me burning it. We spoke about these and I apologised for over reacting on both occasions and not just letting it lie and we agreed to go on a break for a month so he could think things through.

After a couple of weeks at the beginning of this month he rang me up and said he wanted to go for a meal with me and we had a great night. I really felt like he loved me and he came to mine a few times after that. Last Sunday he asked me to go back to his flat again and stay with him which I did but on Saturday after I went home I got a text saying he didn't want to see me the next day as he was confused about our relationship. I rang him up and he explained he is conflicted between wanting autonomy and intimacy. I asked him if he would be happy going back to the way we were before we started staying together more with him visiting me at home and he said probably yes and he would text me next week.

So that's where we are now. I am a little confused as to how he seems to see things in black and white like he can't have his independence and intimacy at the same time. I asked him if he feels suffocated to which he gives a vague answer. I don't consider myself to be a clingy girlfriend but it seems like living with me is too much for him which hangs a big question over my head if I can take a step backwards in our relationship and will he always be like this? Maybe I just need to enjoy things for what they are more and not think about the future so much.

Hello!

I am an NT married to an Aspie. I understand your situation very well!

You said you have a psychotic episode and things got intense once. Aspies are so frustrated with a showing of emotion! They have no idea what to do, because they do not understand emotions. My husband has always been sort of a "robot" but I have taught him that I would like him to hug me when I am upset or crying, and maybe distract me by asking me to go somewhere with him like a coffee shop or maybe to see a movie. That always cheers me up, but since they don't understand emotion it is important to let them know what you would like them to do. Otherwise they feel helpless.

My husband enjoyed me living with him during college since I provided benefits such as I washed the dishes, provided sex of course! and even cooked. However, he still wanted to do whatever he wanted. He enjoyed watching a specific show over and over, he wanted time to play computer games or research things on the Internet. I never demanded his time, so he was very happy to have me live with him. I only requested that he take me out once on the weekend when he had some free time- and he would. I would ask him to go with me to a restaurant and to the movies, or to go drinking, or to go to a coffee shop to play board games and cards.

However, I do believe Aspies do best when you allow them SO MUCH independence but you also support them when they would like intimacy and affection. Your guy says he is confused as to whether he wants autonomy or intimacy- so even though you might not act clingy, it still seems like your presence at his flat does not allow him to be as autonomous as he would like to be. Maybe you are putting your things in his way, or moving his stuff. They don't like that. Or maybe you are making too many changes.

Don't take it personally. He probably does really enjoy your company, but as an Aspie he really needs his own space and time. He will always be like that! However, if he does enjoy your company and decides he would like to continue seeing you, he should be able to make some compromises- like taking you on a date once a week or so. And you can ask him to tell you if he doesn't like something you do.

I love being married to an Aspie! There are so many benefits, such as UNDYING love. Once they love you and commit to being with you forever, they will never go back on that. (Unless you are really bad) Also, they are honest and trusting. They do not play mind games! They are very intelligent and have so much knowledge about topics. My husband isn't obsessed with sports like most guys, and he doesn't have friends he would rather spend time with than me. He would always rather spend his free time with me. And also, since he likes to be independent, he allows me to be independent! I have plenty of time to pursue my own interests and activities.

I hope everything works out for you, but if it doesnt- as you can tell from this site, there are plenty of Aspies looking for a girl! Feel free to private message me.

-Sarah

not all aspies are like that, or I'd have less problems. I'm crave contact and bonding. I'm not very independent when it comes to doing things and relationships. just money and bills.

OP, I think you should dump him. He's too indecisive. It sounds like you really do want to live your boyfriend full-time and if that's the case, your boyfriend can't be him. He could string you on for years and your life is too short and too precious to waste years of it on him. It sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do. Maybe when he's older and grown up he'll settle down with some girl.

Even though you had a psychotic episode, it is not your responsibility to be perfect. No one has that responsibility. He should support you in your time of need. He can't expect you to be all give and him to be all take. Yes, you should support your boyfriend with his problems also but not if his problem is leading you on.