I'll just create a new thread about this in order to collect issues related to this in a single thread.
First, to become obsessive with a partner/potential partner/ex is a rather common neurodiversity trait, and thus probably also a rather common trait in people diagnosed with autism/AS, so there is much reason to understand this better. It isn't gender biased, so it happens (and applies) as much to girls as it does to guys.
Being in an obsessive state with somebody isn't always a problem. If there is a mutual interest and attachment it really isn't a problem, and can even be an advantage as I suspect such relationships are more likely to last a long time than relationships based on traditional dating.
If you are in an obsessive state like this, and have problems with it, there is really only two ways I've found to deal with it (other than just suffering from it).
The first resolution applies to a situation where there is no mutual interest (like a rejection or a break-up), and where the only sane approach is to get rid of the attachment. The only way to effectively do this that I know of is to get mad at the other person, and start to put him/her in the category of "non-existent person". Now, as child, I did this to at least two relatives that I thought had violated me. I didn't speak to them, didn't even look at them, and they were effectively non-existent to me. I had no problems to keep this up for years. As I got older I had some problems with the way I acted towards them, and nowadays I try not to do this to people. I once did it to an ex as well, and it was highly effective, and I lost the attachment within months. Of course, when you do this to an ex (or a previous date), you typically won't see them a lot, so it becomes less problematic, and they might not even notice that you have placed them in the non-existent people category. For obvious reasons, this makes it impossible to be friends only with them.
The second resolution applies to a situation where you don't want to get rid of the attachment. It could be used in a long-term relationship, in an observational context where you really don't know if there is mutual interest or not, or it could be somebody that is unreachable for some reason, so you need to wait for them. In these contexts, it's not unusual for negative thoughts to appear that might start to affect you (or the relationship). In my experience, these negative thoughts typically can lead to the first resolution where you want to terminate things, but still don't want to because you like the other person too much. It was more of a lucky circumstance that I discovered how to deal with this. What I did almost unconsciously was to get sad about the situation, and then I cried for maybe half an hour or so on my own. After that all bad feelings about the other person just vanished. It was kind of magic. Of note is that I'm a person that won't cry for any of the typical reasons, but this was different. As I analysed past behavior, I realized I've done this before and that it worked in the past, but I was not consciously aware of it. So, I'm likely to trigger it again if I notice myself getting too negative about somebody I care a lot about.
13 Mar 2015, 6:02 am
