I need help with my NT husband.

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Hi, I'm new here! I'm in the process of getting my Asperger's diagnosis, but I need some social advice that pertains to my marriage. My husband is a typical NT, I often find him too loud, invasive, and ill informed. That being said I love him for the same reasons. I always run away when people get too close and he always follows me. It's a nice joke between us, the whole, "I'm leaving!", "Well I'm coming with you!" bit. Being a recluse he makes it at least appear that I have friends from his social groups and picks up my slack when my conversations go flat. So I need some advice. I need to find ways to explain things so they stop that bother me terribly! I'm going to make a list and just see what everyone says. Keep in mind he is not the type to do research, even getting him to listen is a trial.

1. White lies: As an Aspie these drive me insane!! ! I just want to really know. I find that as his wife I am over emotional as he says for these white lies or omittings of the truth. I have a terrible time reading moods. I ask a lot if he is angry, sad ect... Sometimes he is frustrated with me and says he is not. Then I find out later I annoyed him. I know that NT girls don't like the truth, and that he is avoiding conflict in his own mind. I just can't fix the problem if I don't know about it. Then I get overly emotional because I feel like I've messed up.

2. He never indulges into my obcessions. I'm an art nut, he is a country boy. We could be a sitcom. I have tried all of his hobbies, some I've came to love (archery, thank you Hunger Games)! He absolutely refuses to read, watches terrible staged reality tv and doesn't bend at all. Yet when I shut down in art or book mode, I'm too quiet. When we do his hobbies he doesn't understand my want for it to be just us. He always invites a friend and makes me a nervous wreak the whole time. They look at me like I'm crazy any time I speak.

3. He CONSTANTLY tells me to get over stuff... Yeah enough said. If I could I would bud! He says it's a curse to have a wife with a photographic memory.

4. This is the worst one and the thing causing me the most turmoil. His parent's live next door to us. They are the everyone is a big happy family type. They walk in un-announced, talk to us through open windows, come outside any time I do. It's making me CRAZY! I mean I freak out when my phone rings, or when people stop by uninvited. Try stepping out of the shower to hear your in laws yelling, "knock, knock!" as they walk in. I'm to scared to tell them how I feel and I don't think he understands how horrible it makes me feel. It's literally drove me indoors, curtains drawn, hiding.

These may sound silly, I'm not sure. I'm just confused. He always says he loves me, and wants to change, but never does. I feel like I'm constantly burned out socially by his family and his lack of respect for my needs of privacy. How do you set these boundaries clearly, without ruining the relationships?

Thank you for any help at all, even if your just saying me too!

It sounds like you may just need to have a conversation dedicated to just sitting down and hammering this out with dialogue. Your husband sounds like someone who means very well but is just not properly educated about how Aspies view the world and how conscious they are. He may just need an education on the specific nuances, for example Aspies need to be told up front and directly if something is bothering them. The issue there, using that example you mentioned in problem 1, that seems like a garden variety case of someone acting on instinct rather than being informed that they should learn a new way of interacting. Chances are, your husband has spent pretty much all of his life around women who love to be told white lies and complimented even when compliments are unwarranted and so has never understood conceptually why your case is different.

As for your second case, I think that he may simply not understand that your hobbies are as valued to you as his are to him. I would check that first and explain that you tried out his hobbies out of respect for him and how valuable his customs are and then go from there in informing him of how valuable your hobbies are. Art is one of those hobbies where those who aren't educated about its value are inevitable going to find it stupid and pointless.

3 and 4 seem to me like someone who does not understand how this relates to someone on the spectrum. I would have to say that giving him a proper education about being an Aspie combined with an agreement to meet him halfway on these issues, for example, possibly allowing his parents to check in at certain times and setting aside time blocks for them to visit both of you, could go a long way. With every one of these relationships a lack of education on the issues of being as Aspie is often one of the major issues and sometimes THE major issue.

By doing the research for him and then laying out the results in an easy to understand fashion, you are also showing a willingness to both educate him and do your part to meet him halfway.

However, if you do your part to meet him halfway and he adamantly refuses, then there's sadly much less i can say that will help and I feel that will be true for most other posters here too. So figuring out a plan to meet him halfway is crucial and the first step is presenting what you researched in a way that requires minimal effort on his part to understand. I have to say that if he truly does love you I cannot see any reason why that would be objectionable to him, and there I have to keep it real, so to speak.

Thank you for your reply!

I must say that I agree with what you have said whole heartedly. I need him to meet me half way on my Aspie needs. I am willing to set up structured times for being around his parents. I hope they will be willing to respect the time frames. I feel like I set up times to talk things out, and he has something else to do all of the sudden. I feel annoying to him, which makes me close off. By the time he agrees to discuss situations I'm emotionally drained and ready to be alone, do to over thinking things.

Thank you again for the help. It is so nice to hear someone else think research is the answer.