Neurotypical & Aspie Relationship

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Hey. I'm new to this site but really am looking for a community to discuss some problems I'm dealing with. I have no where else to go to talk about Asperger's-related dating issues, as I'm in a situation that nobody really understands. I'm hoping some people here will.
I've been dating my boyfriend for over 9 months. I love him to death and I know he loves me. I'm a second semester freshman in college and one of my first weekends here I met a guy who seemed a bit off. He was sort of obsessive about talking about his hobby - photography. One of the girls in my dorm and I went to meet him to talk to him and both decided he was super nice and cool, but something was definitely different about him. She suggested Asperger's, as she had known someone with it before. I looked it up briefly and decided she was probably right. My boyfriend and I would talk on the phone a lot at the beginning of college and I told him about this new person I met. I told him how something seemed a bit off about him and my friend and I thought he probably had Asperger's. That weekend, my boyfriend sat me down and told me that he had Asperger's. I had felt horrible about talking about this new kid I had met as if he was odd or different. How should I have known, though? My boyfriend never exhibited any signs that he was faced any special challenges in communicating with me. But then it all started to come together. He always asked me how I was feeling, what I was thinking. He had always told me about his rough childhood where he had a hard time talking to anybody, being touched, or looking people in the eyes. The more I thought about it, the more I noticed things. I asked myself if I would have ever realized on my own. At that point, I thought there was no way. But now, I have no doubt I would have.
That was four months into the relationship, and as I said, we have now been dating for a little over 9 months. I didn't think much of it at the time he told me besides the fact that I felt that he should have told me sooner. I wasn't about to see that as a deal breaker and I loved him regardless. After all, I myself have dealt with extreme OCD, depression, and anxiety in my lifetime and I know that he would never think twice about being there for me with my issues. But, I feel like I should have been told about the problems I could face closer to the beginning of the relationship. To this day, his parents have never told me anything about Asperger's. They have never mentioned it to me.
I have found on my own through research and experience that we will face numerable communication problems. He shuts down when confrontation arises and I often find myself apologizing for making him upset when I was originally telling him about how he had made me feel upset in the first place. Sometimes, when he gets upset, he will simply not contact me for up to a few days. I live on campus at college and he is still a senior in high school about 20 minutes down the road. I have found that there is a statistic saying that about 80% of relationships between an Asperger's and neurotypical people end in divorce. And while not many places claim that it can be genetic, in reading comments on pages about Asperger's, most people say that their children ended up with Asperger's too. Most comments go one of two ways: my relationship with an Asperger's partner is horrible and you should get out now, or I love my partner to death and I wouldn't trade them for anyone in the world.
I have expressed these concerns and statistics to my boyfriend, but he doesn't like to talk about the Asperger's much. He says he doesn't want it to affect our relationship and that he doesn't want to be a statistic. I don't have the heart to say that like it or not, it does and we are a statistic, together or apart. I know it affects our relationship and I have been trying to understand and be accommodating, even if he does not want to consider it a factor in the way we communicate. I have rented numerous books from our local library and read a lot online about it, but I haven't told him that at all. I am too nervous to tell him that I think something he brings to the table in our relationship affects us so much. Although I see it as merely a difference, not a disadvantage, I am worried to talk to him about it. I think if we could talk about it more and realize that it is going to affect our relationship and we should just find ways to deal with that so we can both be comfortable, our relationship could be a lot better. But I feel that I shouldn't talk about it for fear of offending him. I do not want him to feel like I am chastising him for something he cannot change or that I feel disappointed or upset about who he is.
On top of the issues I face with him, I have my parents to worry about. They fear that I will have a lifetime of disappointment if I stay with him. All they can see, and understandably so, is that their daughter is constantly upset about something little that my boyfriend didn't realize to do. He doesn't forget things or purposely do or not do things to upset me and we all know that. But my parents hate seeing me constantly disappointed and fear that their possible future grandchildren would feel that way all the time, too. It's just rough because I know he loves me. I really do, I really know. It's not a matter of knowing. But sometimes things happen and you can't help but feel disappointed. And then my parents see that and worry. And I can understand why they worry. Such as Valentine's last weekend. I spent a few weeks on a wooden box that I filled with photographs and created a hand-made card. I also bought him about 10 different bags of candy. He made me a nice dinner at his house and we dressed up fancy. When I got home, my parents asked me what he got me. While we had a very nice dinner, he did not get me flowers or anything, much less a card. I couldn't wait to give him his gift and that was all I was thinking about all day. I had been telling him that I had been working on it for weeks. He knew I was making him a card and giving him something sentimental. While the dinner he made was great, I was a bit disappointed that I had not even received a card back from him because I had been telling him about his homemade card all week. He is my first boyfriend and I suppose I had just assumed that he would get me flowers and a card or something. Talking to my mom about it, I got a bit sad and she, having received flowers, chocolate, and a card from my father as every year, felt horrible as a parent that I had been let down. The thing is, the dinner my boyfriend made was his way of a gift and he felt that he had went to great lengths to prepare it and I know it was his way of showing me that he loved me. I feel so confused in this space between what I know him to be feeling and what my parents expect of a relationship both being neurotypical and in that I can't find what I think for myself. I sent him a long text about how much I enjoyed the dinner, but about how on holidays like that, cards are important to me. I am a sentimental person who enjoys going above and beyond for personal gifts and cards and that is important to me. While I had no intention of discrediting anything he did, I wanted to just let him know that stuff like that is important to me so he would know for the future. It was my parent's idea to let him know. Well, he took it as that I did not like the dinner at all and what he did do was not good enough. He did not text me back for 24 hours, upon which I sent another text with no reply for 3 more hours. I then called him to be told that he was busy studying and then had play practice and could talk later. After being ignored for so long, I got very angry and just hung up on him. His feelings were incredibly hurt that I would say something and it turned into me apologizing for discrediting his dinner and trying to win back his good graces. He told me that he felt like I had made him feel that he was not good enough and it turned into me feeling bad that I had hurt him, and being told it would take time for him to feel better so I promised to "make it up to him." Somehow it always flips back on me like that. But he has a really hard time seeing my point of view and I do feel bad for hurting his feelings.
Sometimes I feel like I place too much emphasis on the Asperger's though and blame every problem on that. I like to think about a relationship as something where both people have to meet in the middle. It might take him longer to get there and it will definitely be a harder journey, one that I will help him with, but he still has to get to that halfway point. If he can't or won't, that's not a healthy relationship.
I suppose I'm just struggling with the Asperger's in general. The way I believe it to impact us. The way I feel that it isn't something we can talk about. The way it could mean a future for disappointment for myself or possible children. The way it is hurting my parents. This is my first serious boyfriend, so I have no idea how a relationship with two neruotypicals is, besides the differences I see when I double date with my friend. I have no intention of ending the relationship because I really do love him and I know he loves me. There are plenty of positives that come from this, too. He is the sweetest most gentle man I have ever met. While I do not always get the impression he is there for me, I know he is. He can be incredibly thoughtful and I just love being with him. I feel like our personalities click and I love the way we talk and interact with one another. Additionally, just to point out, he is in no way awkward about physical contact as some with Asperger's are. He loves being hugged and kissed and he always tells me about the way he loves that I hold him. I'm just looking for advice, opinions, and any thoughts that could help make my journey with him a little easier. Because I love him and I really care about him and his struggles and I want to have the happiest relationship possible.
I know this is a long post and I am so grateful to anyone who reads this through and takes the time to comment and help me. You don't know how much I really appreciate it. My world consists of nobody who understands my struggles, despite their efforts, so thank you so much for giving me advice.

Usually, if one could get past the Aspie's "social mistakes," relationships could work.

The Aspie person does have an obligation to be an "equal partner" and not, say, play video games while mommy exclusively takes care of the kids.

I kind of lost at the point when you told him that making dinner for you on Valentine's Day wasn't good enough. I'm surprised that you're not his ex-girlfriend for that one!

To be very honest, you sound immature and very self-centred, and are being encouraged in this by your parents.

You didn't even notice he was autistic until he told you, and now it's a big deal to you?!

I am a NT/BPD woman and I have been with my Aspie boyfriend for more than a year. I know how hard it is to read about AS/NT couples because it seems that there are only horror stories. You need to keep in mind that people who have normal, healthy and fulfilling relationships do not have any urge to post about it in forums.

great wall of china, should have added a tldr warning.

It's been a while since I used the Five Love Languages. Based on what I have read, you say are upset that you didn't get a card or any other gift from him on Valentine's day. He made you dinner and is upset that you made him feel as if his dinner wasn't good enough. That being said, sounds like Gifts are a part of your love languages, while acts of service are a part of his. To compromise, both of you would likely have to learn how to speak eachother's language.

As for everything else mentioned:

1. Partners need to communicate with eachother regularly. They also need to understand eachother well in order to grow their bond and strengthen relations between eachother.

2. Parents matter a lot to you and understandably so. Is it your disappointment that they are worried about? or theirs? They are looking out for what they feel is in your best interest based on how well they know and understand you.

3. Try not to project too much of what you read on the internet about Aspergers onto your boyfriend.

oh my god that's a lot words.

Communication is our biggest difficulty with being diagnosed asperger's by a mile, nothing even comes close really. It's something we almost all share. It's very difficult for most of us to accurately and clearly describe how we feel or why we feel. It's difficult for us to understand the emotions we feel or why we feel them sometimes.

I think most people would understand that you didn't say what you did about his valentine's effort negatively. I would of done the same thing he did. I would've prepared a nice dinner and not bought a card. I don't care about cards or poems, and I never have. But you mentioned you like those things and I felt you did a good job of it. The problem is he over-reacted and took it personally. I don't know why he did but that's him being himself I assume. It's not as if you were acting upset or condescending over it, right?

He does have to learn to communicate openly and honestly with you, and he should trust that you aren't attacking his character either. You made it very clear that you love him and want to be with him. He has to talk to you about asperger's and his struggles with an open mind, an open heart and with neutral emotion, it isn't okay at all for him to act on emotion and run from his problems. No relationship can ever work if someone gets mad and runs away every time there's a problem, both of you will have to learn from that.

Some of us truly need to just shut down and not deal with things sometimes, though, but it affects the people around us and often we're not empathetic towards it. But also sometimes we can't be.. I can only speak for myself but being social is sometimes a huge burden on me emotionally, I can only handle so much. And so can the people around me.

Don't play too much into what you read on the internet either.. autism is a black hole on the internet and there's a lot of harmful stereotypes about us out there. You can make it work if he's willing to face his struggles and you both learn to trust and communicate with each other.

1. Use paragraphs. It was impossible to read your entire post on my laptop.
2. You are way too young to be thinking about happy ever after. You're a college student and he's only in high school. That is waaaaaaaay too much pressure for either one of you.
3. 50% of all neurotypical marriages in the USA end divorce. The % is higher for NT/Aspie relationships. Wait until you've graduated and have a solid career before you start thinking about long term commitments.
4. Stop over-thinking this relationship stuff and focus on your education. By the time you're in your 50s like me, you will have had so many other crappy relationships, this current "dude drama" will be a blur... and you'll have decades of other guy drama you'll hope to forget.
5.Chill out. He's young and just learning how to be in relationship.
6.I have lived with a guy with Asperger's for 5 years. My guy can't manage to get me a present on my b'day or xmas without me directly telling him exactly what I want. Your dude is not a mind reader. My guy explains it like this: "I don't know what you want and I don't want to get the wrong thing so I do nothing because I don't want to make a mistake." Also, alot of pressure is created by expectations around "social obligations." This includes holidays and gift giving.
7.In the big scheme of your life, believe me, none of this "college romance" stuff will matter at all.
8. Relax and do your homework. That's what matters.
9. Cut the guy alot of slack. Drama will make him disappear.