Hey guys. Sorry for the length, but I thought a bit of background might help.
I (NT) just got out of a short lived but incredibly intense, loving relationship with my now ex, who is autistic (undiagnosed). We had a really strong connection from the moment we met. I mean,it was the kind of thing you see in movies and think "that's not real." It was really beautiful. However, we are also both very emotional people, which is part of what strengthened the connection. He did warn me before that he'd never been good at relationships, and that they'd always been really short for him, but somehow, I thought this connection surpassed that. I figured he just hadn't met the right girl or something. I should also mention that although he mentioned in passing possibly being autistic once, it was when he was really upset so it never got brought up again, and it was never a point of conversation, never diagnosed, etc. It does seem really clear to me based on a few things throughout the relationship though, that this is the case.
To give you some background, when we met, we were instantly infatuated. I had been visiting a different city, and met him on my last week. That week before I went back home, but we spent every night together. He said the sweetest things, and seemed to want to see/talk to me all the time. I noticed one time in a group, he got particularly defensive over something that I felt didn't warrant it. I was a little put off, but figured maybe it was just a bad day. We started a long distance relationship, which I would never do normally (I think STARTING a relationship as a LDR is pretty difficult) but we were honestly SO in sync and connected and infatuated it just felt right.
Anyway, it was a long distance relationship, which made things hard, especially because we were essentially starting out long distance, which forced us to get to know each other a lot quicker in a lot of ways. When one or the other of us would visit, we'd stay with the other. I thought this would be ok, temporarily living together for a week or so at a time. But it seemed to really upset him, and stress him out. I think maybe it disrupted his routine, I'm not sure, but it really messed with our relationship. It seemed the more intense/longer the relationship got, the more we'd end up fighting. In fact, it almost became a routine of fighting the first few days we were together, then things would be great, and then when one of us would visit again, it's like we had to start all over. It became really draining, and I didn't even understand why we were fighting most of the time.
Oftentimes, I'd unintentionally say something that would hurt him and start a fight. Sometimes, it would seem so out of left field that I'd have no idea how what I said struck a nerve. It would even happen if I was initially upset about something, then he'd get upset I was upset, and it would start a fight. Or it might be that I had an opinion about something that he disagreed with, but instead of it just being an open, calm conversation he'd get really annoyed and pick a fight. And he could never seem to see where I was coming from, or address how I was feeling, he was always just instantly defending himself. And this happened about all the time it seemed. I'm not saying I couldn't have worded things better, but a lot of times I felt like I had no idea what I even said, but suddenly we'd be fighting.
And then, almost every time it would escalate and we'd get frustrated and as if flipping a switch, I'd see him get so upset and break down, and cry, and just look so overwhelmed. And it always hurt me so much to see him hurting like that, and not understanding what was happening or why. I can't even imagine how it must have felt for him, to feel like he was constantly being picked apart or that he wasn't good enough, or that he couldn't do it or "catch up"/"be quick enough" with what he considered regular things. Those are phrases he used often when he'd get upset. That he felt like he was bad at relationships, and always had been, and that he couldn't ever seem to catch up in life or go as quick as he felt he needed to. It broke my heart to hear, and the last thing I wanted to do was hurt him, even unintentionally.
So it was a challenge, and because of mainly the communication issue we amicably split up. It ended really fast though, and to be honest, I felt like it ended too quick. As in, we didn't sit with the decision very long. So I felt like I never got the closure I needed. I never got to really talk, because when I tried he kept saying he couldn't say anything to me, and would seem to get aggravated. I tried not to take it personally, because I really believe it was just his way of trying to disconnect, because he didn't know how else to handle it except to completely disconnect from me.
When it came time to go, we ended on a good note. We said we love each other, but this just can't work right now, and we'll always be there for one another, and promising to never be afraid to reach out to the other if we needed anything or wanted to talk.
After that, we texted a little, because I felt like I needed closure before we stopped talking, and I think I messed up a little there, by stressing him out and overwhelming him. I didn't mean to, but I just wanted some closure and I felt like the way it went down, I didn't get any. I'm usually very good about not talking, but for some reason, I just completely failed this time, (and we never defined if we should go no contact) so I just felt so overwhelmed and confused and anxious.
We ended up talking a little, and although I didn't get the closure I need, I know it's about all I'll get right now, and that for him, talking is the opposite of what he needs, even though it's what I need. We again ended on a good note, with the hope and aspiration that we can be in each other's lives one day, but knowing we needed some time to cool off.
I know he needs his space, and I plan to give it to him. I need mine as well to heal and move forward. I think although the texts weren't my finest hour, we're able to move forward from that and still end on a "good" note, which is incredibly essential to me having closure and moving forward. My question is just, does anyone have any advice moving forward, particularly for how to approach the next few weeks/months, and for maintaining a friendship in the future, or even shedding any light on the relationship? I know we need space and no contact for a while, but I'm just wondering how to approach things when we start talking again. I really don't want to ever upset him, which is hard, because sometimes I wouldn't even know what I'd said that upset him. I've had an amicable break up in the past, and I always felt like we were able to maintain a strong bond, and connection, even as friends. I could feel it still, you know? But with this split, even though he said that love and those feelings/memories will never go away, I worry the only way he'll be able to be my friend is to completely separate it and that when we are friends, it will feel like what we had never existed as a couple. As in, that connection/bond on his end will have been turned off, because it's the only way he knows how to deal with it. And that would hurt so much. I know I can't control it, but I can't help but think of everything under the sun right now. You know how it is after breakups.
I'm still pretty fragile, as this is very recent, but I do really love and care for this person, and the last thing I'd ever want to do is unintentionally hurt them. I'm hoping maybe someone has been through this before, especially maintaining a friendship after the fact. Your advice is appreciated.
20 Feb 2015, 7:11 pm
