Dating and delayed processing, feeling hurt a lot

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I'm a 50-year-old woman, single after a 5 year relationship, and having a lot of trouble with dating. The problem is that I enjoy talking with people, but am unable to process hurtful comments in real time. So I will just keep engaging with someone without really knowing what if anything is wrong, but then afterwards when I replay the conversation in my head, I will realize that they said a lot of mean and judgmental things to me. I will just keep replaying it for days feeling hurt without being able to stop. I actually have this problem outside of dating too. I have always had this delayed processing with everything, like classes and so forth. It's just the worst now with dating. I have a lot of co-morbid disorders physical and otherwise, and am no longer able to work. I disclose this stuff up front, and they say that's no problem, but then once we sit down to talk it's quite often a different story.

Does anyone else have this problem? If so, how do you deal with it? I don't date very often, in part because I find myself avoiding activities that could lead to that because I'm tired of feeling hurt. I think it would be better though if I could figure out some way to tell when someone is belittling me at the time it happens, and not just for dating. I often do feel a bit of discomfort at the time, but I can't really identify it, so I tend to think it's just something wrong with me and ignore it. Again, lifelong pattern.

Thanks to anyone that can help,
Cat

I've got somewhat of an opposite problem: I can't sometimes process what I'm saying and later on I realize something I said could be taken the wrong way (and more than likely was) because of the ambiguous nature of language.

I used to do this all the time in school. I would make "friends" and just keep hanging around then, not realizing that I was their punching bag. Now I try to over compensate for it. If I hear something questionable I automatically assume the NT is trying to hurt me. More of a defensive mechanism, but it really does put a damper on my marriage at times. I have a hard time reading passive aggressiveness. So like this morning, my husband says, "Wow you've really ordered a lot of knitting stuff lately." I automatically think, "Oh no, is he mad? Am I in trouble? I didn't think it was a problem." Which of course I can't hide the confusion on my face. Luckly my husband has just started researching how I think. He quickly noticed this morning and assured me he was not angry at all. Which is awesome, because my new obcession is knitting, and I have more stuff on the way. I have to say we found it very frustrating for years, but just in the last few days of him taking interest, I have felt so much more at ease!

Sami, I think you are right about overcompensating due to being a verbal punching bag when I was younger. This doesn't affect me as much in relationships, because once I know someone better and we're in a comfortable environment, I can process things much quicker and simply ask for clarification of any questionable remarks, or even ask days later if it takes me that long to figure it out. But when I'm meeting a new person, especially at a place with a lot of distractions, there is just too much information coming in for me to be able to catch it all then and there, and I'm not comfortable asking "What did you mean by that?" all the time. Thinking back on the last experience, I think his offensive remarks might have been attempts at humor and trying to fix me, but he was just too insensitive to realize how inappropriate they were.

So I guess it's a matter of feeling old hurts, when it's really just having talked with someone I'm not compatible with. I learned a technique for dealing with this in a PTSD class I took (explained in the book "Mind Over Mood"), so I'll try using that in the future. Thankfully I do meet people that are quite nice, so I do have some very nice experiences meeting people.

Thanks,
Cat

I have the same issue, except perhaps I don't even figure it out later, as I don't think very many people (especially on dates) are being hurtful towards me. It did happen in high school a fair bit. Why do you think you are meeting so many mean and judgemental people in your age group? I think that's more the issue than anything else. I'd suggest trying to date more neurodiverse people. Working on being able to process information in real time is probably rather a huge challenge, as it is a core deficit for many people on the spectrum. But if anyone does have tips, I'd also be very interested to hear them.