A 'first date' that isn't a date?

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What do you think of a first date that isn't a date?

For example, there's this girl at school I like. I asked her if I could buy her a coffee sometime, if we could meet-up sometime, sit-down and have a nice chat.

If things go well I want to begin to make my feelings clear the second and third times I meet with her.

I'm sure a few other aspie's here can relate with similar scenarios or situations. This question isn't about me but ANYONE here. I'm just using my experience as an example.

So:

My questions:

1. Do you think you are doing anything wrong if a first date isn't a date, but more of a hangout?
2. Do you believe a first date is simply to get to know someone better and doesn't necessarily have to turn into a relationship/romance?
3. Is it normal/natural for a first date to involve no affection or kissing of any kind, except maybe for subtle flirting?

This seems like a perfectly reasonable approach

1) not that i can think of, just remember to have a 'real' and 'official' first date, should you get that far
2) if you are not close friends already; i agree, but that doesn't have to be the whole date; it can go further, if you click
3) assuming the date goes well, no. if it is an 'official' date, affection is a measure of success. a kiss isn't needed, but a total lack of (physical) affection is seen as a bad sign, normally. It would be a good idea to give a heads-up on not expecting too much in that department

1. The first "date" doesn't have to be an official "date."

2. Absolutely. You don't have to "jump into things" too fast. It's really a time to "get to know each other."

3. Only if it feels right to BOTH OF YOU. You don't have to kiss on the first date to be "cool." In fact, it's probably better if you guys take your time. However, if she starts stroking your hand with hers, then you know she desires a kiss. If she wants to hold hands....same thing! Don't use "tongue" unless she introduces her tongue.

You're going about this the right way, as Izzeme states.


One thing to note, which is very important: EVERYBODY goes through these concerns, not just Aspies. NT's don't know the "magic words"--not one bit!

No to 1, yes to 2 and 3.

OK…just starting out you're doing everything right.

1. No. This is as it should be.
2. YES.
3. YES.

Be careful with how you time making your intentions known. You don't do this before you know each other really well and are comfortable hanging out fairly often already.

What I'm more interested in at the moment is how many other girls are you meeting up with and how many of them show any indication of a future relationship. If there's no one else you date or hang out with, that tells me that you're placing all your bets on one person. Something to remember is when you do that, odds are always AGAINST you in terms of a LTR. Depending on how you use time to your advantage, you can gradually shift the odds in your favor if you're patient. In other words, you have to wait long enough to lay the foundations for a romantic LTR before you can expect to be "official," i.e. bf/gf.

In addition to time, you also have to factor in risk. Like I said, unless you really know this person and you've been hanging out a lot together, the odds are you're going to get rejected. The way you mitigate risk is by having a wide dating pool to begin with. The larger the dating pool, the greater the odds of getting a date and, hence, a gf. Let's say you know 4 girls. The first rejection, because she's going to be the one you're most interested in, is going to STING. Now, again, odds with only 4 girls are pretty bad. So getting 4 rejections is going to be seriously demoralizing. On the other hand, if you are acquainted with 200 available girls, 1 rejection isn't so bad. You expect it. But as you progress through your pool, odds eventually will increase to 100% chance acceptance on a Gaussian distribution.

Now, if we're talking 200 girls, 200 rejections is pretty pathetic. However, I sincerely doubt this will happen to you.

So, to sum it up:
1. Be patient, use time to your advantage.
2. Risk management, turn the odds in your favor.

Of course it's perfectly POSSIBLE to hit things off on the first date and live happily ever after. I'm not slick enough to manage time and risk enough to get it right on the first try. I'm going to play the numbers game in order to get a guarantee of success.

In most cases, I would advise against this, unless she brings the topic up first. To most women, laying your heart out on the line, without getting to know them well first, is a big turnoff.

Remember, keep it light, and let things flow naturally. No pressure.

I think SilverStar is right. I would wait a little while, unless she makes some moves. Show your interest by conversing with her, and "being there" for her if she needs a friend.

I understand what you;re saying.

It's just I've always believed if you are emotionally interested in someone, the third date is the best time to ask if they will be in a relationship with you or even make a risky move such as kissing or etc..

Sorry to confuse you: It could be the FIRST date, it could be the SEVENTH date.

There's no definite "timetable."

In the meantime, you could say things like "we agree on a lot of things," "You look nice in that outfit," "I enjoy keeping company with you," things like that. You could also talk about your plans for the future. That shows interest without actually saying "I'm interested in you as a romantic partner."

Sometimes, things just "flow" without you having to "say" anything. Sometimes, she might even make overtures. Sometimes, however, you do have to explicitly state your interest.

I certainly wouldn't express my interest on the first date, though.

Agree.

As far as first date goes…I dunno. Depends on the kind of interest you're expressing.

The lady I was hanging out with a few nights ago craves male attention, physical intimacy, and "chemistry," whatever the heck that means. If you're just looking for sex and she happens to be interested, you're going to get what you want because you're both interested in the same things.

In my experience, such a person is rare. Never assume the person you're with is the exception to any rule.

But there is NEVER any shame in expressing interest in any given person as a truly fascinating human being. In fact, if you want another date with someone, it only works to your advantage to show interest (in her as a human being, as opposed to a means to an end and little else). It would take an exceptional woman to flake on someone who thinks she's cool. I wouldn't want to spend any amount of time with someone too snobby to take a compliment.

Agree. You get a gold star.

Some people are very direct and tell you exactly what they think they want, up front, but when it comes down to it, most people have no idea what they really want (or need), until they actually meet another person that has these qualities. This is why it's usually best to figure this out as you go along (naturally), instead of trying to force the issue.