Why Rejection Is A Good Thing

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Chances are if you have hit on somebody, you have probably been rejected before. For some of you, you have been rejected time and time again. But I am here to tell you that rejection is a good thing and here's why.

A lot of people see rejection as a bad thing, but it is not. Because rejection is inevitable, you will probably be rejected more times then you succeed and if you are not resilient, then you give up after you fail and if you give up, how can you ever be in a relationship? I see rejection as a test of your resilience; your ability to never give up trying to find someone. So if you want a relationship badly, you must first learn to accept rejection and then you will be comfortable in your own skin. I think that's why many people are scared to talk to someone they like because they're afraid of being unapproved.

Finally you can learn from being rejected. Humans learn more from their mistakes then their success. Maybe you talk too much or you're too desperate. Or maybe it's not you and maybe you need to hit on different kinds of people, and theres also the possibility that they're simply not interested in you.


So don't be afraid of being rejected. Don't be afraid to hear the words no. How are you going to find someone if you can't even talk to someone you like?

As someone who has probably experienced more rejection than most, I would wholeheartedly disagree. I think that experiencing consistent rejection is a terrible experience that I wouldn't wish on anyone, and I think that it makes a person less comfortable in who they are. Everyone experiences rejection in some fashion, and I think that it is important to be able to cope with it and move on as best you can. When that rejection becomes consistent, despite any changes you may make, it can be quite crushing. In an area where my "resilience" did pay off: I went through a several-year period of unemployment, where I applied to literally ~1,000 jobs, without getting so much as an interview. I spent 8hrs a day job hunting and applying, and the only thing I heard back from any of them (and most didn't even send a response), was "We appreciate your interest and you have highly valuable qualifications, but unfortunately we have no positions to fit your talents at this time". In the end I said enough was enough, and took out some student loans (in addition to the ones I already had from my previous degree) to put myself back through school. I ended up landing my dream job almost instantly through this, and I did learn a great deal from my struggles, but if I had to do it again I would never wish that on myself. Before I had my unemployment stint, I was recently-graduated and felt like I was on top of the world. Consistent rejection can ruin your self-image, and it took me a year of working at my new job to realize that I actually do have valuable skills to offer and that I am a great asset to them.

Do I fear rejection, or ere on the side of inaction to avoid it? Not at all, we're quite well-acquainted with one another. But it certainly doesn't get any easier with time - each one is just as difficult as the first.

Well said.

Some rejections are pretty easy to accept & process, others incredibly difficult - but - they're all are what they are.. like any situation; it is what it is. Just accept it and move forward.

Further, I'd like to add that it's valuable to have a conversation with a crush & be rejected. Sure, it can hurt.. a lot, but then you know where that person stands & can accept and process the situation so that you can move on & forward vs. waste time daydreaming about a relationship that's never going to materialize due to a lack of mutual attraction.

Didn't you have a college degree before? Or did you change industry? I am curious.

No, rejection is not inevitable. If you stop trying to be verbal with people right away and check them for interest for a while first, then rejection becomes uncommon.

I had one before. They were both technically in the same industry too, but the first one wasn't as well known to employers.

How do you check them for interest? I've had experiences where I thought that someone was interested when they weren't.

Details? What was the first major and what's the second?

You use the eye-contact pattern in neurodiversity. If you can establish a pattern of mutual eye contact in the absence of talking then you can be pretty sure they are interested.

Everything happens for a reason. If you hadn't experienced all of that rejection, you wouldn't have made the decision to return to school again & wouldn't be in the here and now where you are, in your dream job! Without all that rejection to strengthen your resolve, none of what you're doing now (and in part, who you are now) would even be possible. It can be awfully uncomfortable in the moment, but with 20/20 hindsight, there's immense value in rejection.

As for the long spell of employment rejection despite what changes you made, do you think it may be that you didn't think of the right changes to make in the moment that would have enable you to gain employment? I just wonder if you consistently made similar mistakes that could have been mitigated better.. maybe, maybe not, and it doesn't really even matter because it eventually led you to a much better place in life, anyways.

Back to the topic of dating/romantic rejection.. again, it sucks, too - but it's still valuable. It can be terrible in the moment, but once you move on from it you can free your mind/thoughts/emotions from the crush you may have had and move on with your life and finding someone to spend it with. It's very similar to other types of rejection, ie your case with employment.

Personally, I've been highly successful with some forms of the dating/romance game with very little rejection, which has certainly improved my confidence in those areas. However, I've also experienced very very deep felt rejection from those I truly had feelings for. BUT, it is what it is, and it's impossible to force mutual romantic attraction - if they're not into me like I'm into them, I simply have to accept that and move on. Learn some lessons from the experience and carry on.. as obviously we're not as compatible as I might wish we were & eventually I'll meet someone I AM that compatible with.. just like you had to experience ~1000 job rejections and make some changes and self improvements before landing your dream job. Same kind of process with finding a partner in life. How you react to rejection makes all the difference in the world.. if you get depressed, frustrated, and angry etc then of course you're not going to view it as a good thing.. but if you accept it for what it is & see it as an opportunity to free your thoughts and emotions from your crush and move forward, then you'll be prepared to potentially meet the right person when the time comes & you're meant to meet someone you're completely compatible with. IMO, the latter is a whole lot happier, healthier, approach to the dating/meeting/rejection game. If I dwelled on the crushes that have rejected me over the years I wouldn't be open to meeting The One when the time comes. Rejection has made me better prepared for.. more rejection lol and that's a good thing. I am currently looking forward to meeting a person or two this Summer and finding out of we're as compatible as I think we might be, but if not, I'm not going to lose any sleep over it. I have other goals in life to keep me fulfilled and don't Need to meet someone asap or anything. If it takes another year or two or ten to meet the right person, then that's what it takes.

Well, I prefer to call it "flirting" not "hitting on" haha but yes, you should be able to bounce back and take a little scrap before you find someone you are truly compatible with.

I just got through reading some old Livejournal entries from 2010 and I was always having a crush all the time and upset with things being up in the air and wanted them to "just let me down already." A lot of girls handled things badly and made me feel led on. But I also learned a lot about abuse, manipulation, and emotionally immature people and how I was vulnerable to be preyed on and when people say "see the red flags, turn around, and run AWAY" you need to listen to them.

Anyway, if I had wasted my time on more people who flat out rejected me or let me down easy and they had wasted their time on me, I wouldn't be where I am now with my one true love.

Well, being resilient is a good thing, but my thing is what does it matter if you're resilient or not? You might be resilient, but at the end of the day you're still alone. So trying to sell someone on the virtue of resilience is going to fall flat.

Now, rejection IS a good thing, just not for resilience.

There are two reasons I see that rejection is a good thing.

#1. It means you're actually getting out there and trying. People who get rejected often are actually trying to get dates, and sooner or later it's GOING TO WORK. It might mean a lot of rejection, it might mean hundreds and thousands of attempts. It might mean working your butt off, learning as you can about yourself and, more importantly, other people, but you will NOT get rejected 100/100. It's the law of large numbers. People who are afraid of rejection and use rejection as an excuse to not work at asking folks out and ultimately get that 99:1 rejection:success will NOT have any successes because they make no attempts.

It's the golden rule in practice. If you're nice to people, and I mean nice to EVERYONE, someone (not everyone, but someone) WILL be nice to you. If you never talk to anyone or give anyone a chance, NO ONE will be nice to you or help you. It's that simple. Not because there's something wrong with you, but because you never give anyone a chance.

When you ask someone out on a date, you're giving them the opportunity to say "yes" to a date. Frequent rejections mean frequent opportunities. The more frequent the opportunities, the more likely you'll get ONE date.

#2. Rejections are good because they prevent you from wasting your time with someone who isn't interested/bad for you.

If I'm ultimately looking for a LTR, first off my objective is to get to know as many MOOS as I can. I'm going to start with my immediate circle of friends and gradually spiral outwards, getting to know on a friendly basis whoever is out there that might be even remotely available. I'm going to work to display interest in all of them. SOME of those may return that interest in me. I'm not good at playing games, reading signs, body language, etc. I mean, if you're flirting with me, you're going to have to be obvious about it because I'm just not that clever. And I'm not known for having women throw themselves at me. I'm not looking to bait a single hook…I'm throwing out the whole net.

Some people are just clever and flirty by nature or by habit. I'm aware of this. So rather than embarrass myself than ASSUMING a girl wants to go out with me, I'm just going to extend the opportunity for a girl I'm interested in to meet with me somewhere and just hang out for an hour. That's the end of it. She'll probably say "no," and I'm prepared for that.

That's where my "rule of 3" comes into play. Rejection #1 could be anything…legitimate excuse, already made plans, are genuinely not interested. OK, I'll give her the benefit of the doubt. If I manage to see her a week later, I'll give it another try. Rejection #2 isn't any different than Rejection #1 except now I'll entertain the possibility she really isn't interested. I'll try again a week later. Rejection #3 sends me the message "Don't call us, we'll call you." MAYBE she'd eventually accept if I'm persistent, MAYBE I'm a victim of bad timing, MAYBE she's just got a lot going on right now. But she knows my number by now if she really does want to take a rain check. And if that's the case, MAYBE I'll still be available when she calls me back.

But after that many CONSECUTIVE rejections by one person, I'm cutting bait. And by that, I don't mean giving up. I mean I'm finding something more productive to do with my time. If SHE won't go out with me, I'm going to try to find someone who will. Oh, and if she or anyone rejects me the FIRST time I ask, she's not the last person I'm going to try to get a date with. I'm not asking her out again until I've gone through my list and come back to her, and depending on where I am in making friends and getting to know people, it might be a while before I ask her out again. So if she's rejected me three times in as many months, I'm crossing her off the list.

I'll admit I was afraid of rejection and didn't handle it well at one point in my life. All this stuff is some 25 years in hindsight. But every now and then I like to see if I still have it. I was hanging out with a "friend-of-a-friend" late one night over the weekend. I got her to talking about her relationship issues, work, special interests, spirituality, church, etc. I really didn't say much during this conversation. I just sat back, listened, shared an opinion or two, and any time there was an "awkward silence," I was quick to ask a question to get her to clarify something she said…and that spun the conversation in different directions, got her to open up more. After a while I was forced to take the hint and let her get to bed, so I didn't press any further.

Later on, my SO was talking one-on-one with her and she told my SO that I'd been FLIRTING with her.

I mean, here I am, totally out of the market, and she thinks I'm flirting with her. lol Whatevs.

Yes, you do learn a lot through rejection, but most importantly rejection lets you know without equivocation where you stand, so that way you waste less time with people who genuinely aren't interested while cultivating interest among those you're more compatible with. I hate games. I like to just cut straight to the point. I view rejection as a tool to accomplish just that.

Another self observation I'd like to add about learning to deal with rejection:

IMO, it's been valuable to use hookup apps/sites at times, just for the sheer volume of rapid fire rejection, processing it & moving on. If you've never used a hookup app/site at all, then you can't quite grasp what I'm saying.. but if you have, then you'll get it.

Basically, if you've ever used the internet for the sole purpose of getting laid asap.. here's how this works:

People contact each other, chat briefly, determine if they're a match, then if so well there's likely a hookup in your immediate/near future, and if not, there's another rejection to put under your belt and move forward from. Sometimes all it is is chat, sometimes more in real life.. but regardless, even if all I'm in the mood for is email/chat and I'm not serious about hooking up with anyone, I could post a personal ad or login to a hookup app/site and literally chat or email with 1-2 dozen different people in a matter of hours - many, and sometimes all, of them resulting in rejection. Either I reject (or ghost) them or they reject (or ghost) me. It's a sort of rapid fire way to numb yourself to the negative emotions typically associated with rejection, in my experience. At first glance this whole process might seem ridiculous, but there's value in it. After a while rejecting others or getting rejected just becomes a bit of a "meh, it is what it is" routine. It's also made me a much better rejector, as well, as I've learned how to phrase my rejections to others in the most positive way possible so that they're not left feeling hurt and can move forward in their own search for a hookup, date, or partner. But it's much more valuable as a rejectee, learning to accept and process others' rejections and just say "next!" & chat with someone else. Shallow & meaningless? Perhaps, but there's still value in the process, IMO. So, even if you have no intentions of ever hooking up with someone for a sexual fling in real life.. pretending you're into that on the internet can be quite the learning tool, just for the sheer volume of communication, rejection, acceptance, and moving on.

How do I know if I'm interested if I haven't even spoken to them yet? I may think they look attractive but that's not enough to decide that if they ask me out, I'll say yes.

It hurts but its for the best he/she wasn't fit for you anyway its their loss and your future gain!

If I want to be really sure I'd play the game with you for weeks or months, and if you still keep it up by then, you must be interested.

OTOH, if I just want to be a little more certain rather than super-certain, I could do it right away, or within a shorter time-frame (maybe the second or third time).

So you are right that unless I do it for a very long time I cannot be sure, but it is still a great way to reduce rejections to a more reasonable level.

Unlike several other people in the thread, I don't think there is anything good about being rejected. It's kind of the same thing as being slapped. You might learn to avoid being slapped, but that's it. Being slapped is a punishment, and so is getting rejected, and thus will enforce negative thought-loops that are unhealthy.