Marriage Breakdown

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My wife who has OCD and PTSD says I am cold and unsupportive when I feel I am. We will have arguments and I don't recognize the cues that apparently I miss. She will end up crying and I am frustrated that she doesn't understand me. I end up angry or stimming which she uses as an attack point.
I have tried to talk to her and explain I don't do verbal communication as well and recommended texting. She acknowledged my issues but nothing changes. I have to engage her in her arena with her quick wit and me stammering. She has made fun of me for this while tearing into me for being too observant.
I have tried to understand her and her issues. I don't think she has tried on her part. She claims that she is fully experienced because of a former roommate in the spectrum. I don't feel she understands me at all.
She now has been yelling at me nonstop for three days telling me, "You are the worst thing to happen to me!" and "I'm suicidal!"
She has used yelling I have PTSD and I have OCD as argument points in the past.
I have tried to leave her before but she convinced me to stay. I do love her with all my heart and want to make this work.
She wants me to come up with a plan to show her that I support and can comfort her.
I want to know if anyone may have any advice for me?

Something along this line maybe?
http://honeylocustsangha.weebly.com/pea ... anger.html

Evam,
Thank you for the link. That's a great idea. I will give this a try.

Good luck!

Just dont get frustrated, if your wife has more trouble than you with complying to the rules (she will!). It might be worth keep on trying it over a longer period of time.

She flat out refused. She says I need to find a way to show her I love her. I tell her how I feel and physical affection. She says that is not good enough

We came up with 30 second and one minute hugs. That is, anyone in the family could ask anyone else in the family for a 30 second or one minute hug, anywhere or anytime. 30 seconds is a long time, and can heal almost any distress or bad mood. (count silently to yourself) So your wife should just say, "Give me a 30 second hug." And you should give it!

I think it's important for her to know that you love her. How about you just tell her how you feel about her? Flowers? Cooking? Letters? Movies? Hug her and kiss her every day

Short-term marriage counseling, with someone who specializes in the type of communication (autistic to NT, autistic to autistic or whatever) issues you're having.

There's a communication skills problem, your attempts at fixing it have failed and maybe a professional can come up with something that'll work for you & your wife.

Would she be willing to agree to a set number of sessions?

If not, and if she has no alternatives to suggest, consider finding a specialized short-term therapist and going it alone. If nothing else, you will have a neutral third party to discuss whether you are better off staying with your wife or leaving her.

She did agree to marriage counseling but I feel that she has no desire to obtain better communication. She is aware of AS and the issues. She says I'm using it as a crutch. I assured her that is not the case. She now says I destroyed her dreams. I don't feel that she loves me unless I conform to her standards.

I feel like I must make all the effort and curb any potentially negative behaviors and thinking while she gets to run amok. I can't even point it out to her. I'm so frustrated.

She makes fun of you? Screams at you? Nothing is an excuse for such horrible behavior, more so towards a loved one.

I think some distance, and counseling are your best best. I personally could not tolerate such disrespect and childish behavior. Best of luck to you.

I just went through all this with my ex-wife. As she is 'ex' you can tell how well that turned out.

I think you need to recognize that your wife is now abusing you. There is no other way to characterize the gratuitous mockery and aggression.

I think you also need to recognize that your wife may be less mentally well than she thinks she is. Screaming "I am suicidal" is not a healthy thing for a person to scream.

You need support from a neutral party. Time for a counselor? Possibly time for her to get some augmented psych support as well?

Did she go with you to counseling? What was the counselor's opinion on your wife's efforts at improving her and your communications skills?

Also, what, exactly are the standards your wife thinks you aren't conforming to? Did the counselor think her standards were reasonable?

If the counselling's failed, if you're wifes still constantly putting your down and yelling at you and insisting you've wrecked her life... well, it may well be time to leave her. Some relationships are i fixable.

OP just run away. The relationship you're in is blatantly toxic, manipulative and abusive beyond repair. A relationship is a collaboration and only you seem committed to making it work. Don't immolate yourself over someone who does not seem to treasure you.

I 2nd this. It seems like a pretty one-sided relationship with her expecting you to put forth effort while her refusing to do any.

She has apparently built up a very strong aversion against you, and is panicking.
I have 4 guesses:
1. She senses that you are close to breaking up with her, and feels shattered by this (happens often with people who have a disposition for depression). What kind of relationship does or did she have to the person(s) that raised her? How good was your relationship at the beginning (and for how long)? Did she ever feel suicidal or very depressed before (and if so, under which circumstances? also in a situation of separation?) How needy does she appear of being reassured about your love?
2. Ask her if her aversion against you and her outbursts ("I am suicidal", "I have a PTSD") have something to do with a similarity she perceives between you and one of her family members or the person or people that are responsible for her PTSD.
3. She is just not willing to stand any longer the inconveniences of an unconventional marriage, and wants something more normal. Plus she is afraid that you might take a divorce very badly (then you could not be the nice and rather relaxed guy you appear to be in your posts).
4. She panics because her psychic conditions are worsening for some other reason and she blames this on the next best person.

My gut feeling tends more to 1 and 2. How about yours?