How To Approach And Talk To Women If You're Shy

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This is for guys who are truly shy. Most men can eventually get over their nerves and eventually approach a woman and ask for her phone number but if you are truly shy, your fear stops you from ever doing these things.

First of all you have to understand why you're afraid to approach women. For many men who are shy, they believe they are inferior for whatever reason. Maybe it's because you're autistic and you believe women will pick up on it and reject you. Maybe you're really short or really fat. Maybe when you were younger, you were rejected time and time again by women for whatever reason and as a result you are afraid to approach girls because you fear they will reject you again. All of this feeling of inferiority holds you back because you're too scared to show a little bit of interest and as a result, the women assumes you're uninterested or quickly moves on.

Also you are placing too much value on this girl you like. Imagine a girl you're not interested in or even a much older or younger girl. Are you shy and nervous around them? Probably not but even if you are, it's not as much. Chances are you talk to them pretty normally and you're in a calm relaxed state and you're not worried about what you say and what they think about you. The solution is to treat an attractive girl in the same casual way as you would a guy friend or someone you're not interested in. Looks shouldn't be enough to be instantly won over by a girl because there are plenty of cute girls out there and if you like a girl because she fits all of your physical qualities, this doesn't necessarily mean that you two will be compatible personality and interest wise. Also you have to remember that girls are people too. They have insecurities, and different interests as well.

Now if you're an introvert and tend to not talk much, you have to get out there and practice talking. Don't just talk to pretty girls, talk to everyone when you get the chance. It took me a while to discover this but people love it when you appear to care what they are talking about. Some of the most successful people aren't necessarily the most talkative but when you do talk to them, they seem genuinely interested in what you have to say. How can any girl get to truly know you are if you never put yourself out there? If you never talk to any girls, you will never find out if you two are compatible. You may never know that this one girl from your 6th period plays the same MMORPG Runescape as you do or enjoys doing the same things and you would have never known because you two never talked.

Finally don't be afraid to show interest in a girl you like. What holds me back and a lot of guys back is that they're scared she will find out that you will like her so as a result you close yourself off through body language or you give 1 worded responses when you talk to her. For the love of God, don't do this. If she has feelings for you, and you appear uninterested she will quickly move on to another guy. Most girls arne't persistent because why would she continue chasing a guy who appears to not really care about her? Maybe you do really care but your body language and speech says otherwise. Think about this way, if you have some interest in a girl and she appears closed off and uninterested, you assume she doesn't like you and you move on. When you're talking to a girl and she appears interested in you, you have to show interest back. You have to because if you close yourself off, this signals to her that you're not interested. If you think a girl likes you, then ask for her number or email address but only if you're positive she likes you. If you're too scared to ask her out, she will quickly move on to another guy who will ask her out. Don't be afraid to be rejected either because you will inevitably be rejected but if you're persistant and continue to show interest in girls you like, I guarantee you that some day you will get a yes. If you never even try talking to women and when a woman does talk to you, you don't try to continue the conversation, you're going to be single for a long time.

It's why iv'e been single all of these years. Not because i'm too short or too autistic, because I was too scared to put myself out there and show interest. Plus I really didn't know the rules of dating and relationships at all until like 3 months ago. No one had ever told me how it worked.

You can read all of the dating advice in the world but it's all useless if you never even try talking to girls.

Good stuff.

I think a lot of the fear we have to conquer right off the bat as shy folk is really just becoming comfortable in social settings. When I took a new job and moved to a new town, I was utterly alone…just me in my loft. I'd go to a bar once or twice a week and got i the habit of doing that. I might make eye contact with some people here and there, but there was never all that much conversation. It was worth a try, and the main thing is it got me out of my apartment.

After about a month, I found a church to go to. I understand not everyone is a church person, and for our purposes this is fine. But I'm a musician, so I figured my best bet would be going where all the musicians are--church choir. So at least twice a week I was interacting with people I didn't know before, and as a plus I got to know the choir director and other music professionals.

Back then my schedule wasn't quite so active outside my day job. So I found out about community theater auditions and went out for a role in a play. After joining the theater, I stayed busy. At my peak I auditioned or was somehow involved with every play one season and was even hired as musical director.

About that time I was starting a family, so my involvement outside the home dropped considerably. But the main thing to consider with overcoming shyness is to just put yourself out there and get used to seeing other people and being seen by others. Once you become comfortable with THAT, you can gradually spiral outwards and expand that comfort zone.

What works with relationships in general works with romantic interests.

Once you break out of your dungeon and get used to being around other people, you need to adopt some habits. First off, smile a lot. Say hello, introduce yourself, and remember peoples' names and interests. Get in the habit of using a speed-dating approach. Limit yourself to 5 minute conversations with moos. In order to spark interest in yourself, you first must be interested in others and SHOW them you're interested. How do you do that? Put their interests ahead of your own. Find out what they are most passionate about and attack it. Get them talking and keep them talking, avoid talking about yourself. If you say anything, it better be about how cool that person is and how awesome it is that person can do what he or she can do. When you have 1 minute left on the clock, find out where that person is going to be and when, and BE THERE (hopefully the same place you initially met…gives you common ground). Get your second 5 minutes, repeat. With 1 minute left on the clock, wrap it up. You really want to know more about this person, but you've got somewhere to be. Can we meet at [place] at [time] on Thursday and pick back up then? Great! I'm looking forward to it!

THAT is how you get dates. Start with 5 minutes, turn it into an hour. If you can do this 2 or 3 times, turn your 1 hour into 2 hours (a "date-date," rather than a "hangout" or unofficial date--something a little more formal). The purpose is still the same--expressing interest, getting to know the person better, but doing so through engaging in some time-consuming activity (roller skating, bowling, mini-golf, lazer tag, paintball, movies, some other activity, and there better be a meal involved).

The more you get into a HABIT of doing these things and the more routine they become, the less anxiety you're going to feel due to shyness. The more you see other people and the less you jump into exclusive relationships, the easier it gets. It just takes practice.

I was skim reading it until I saw MMORPG, and now I shall read the entire thread.

Also funny thing: MMORPG = Mostly Men Online Role Playing Girls.

Nah there's definitly girls who play Runescape. There's tons of girls who are on the Facebook page.

I actually met a girl the other day who used to play Runescape. That's the first girl I ever knew irl who played it.

its not fear of not being good enough, its i know i'm not. women don't like men who aren't good enough talking to, staring at, or in general going near them. makes them uncomfortable. i don't want to make others uncomfortable. so I always look down or away when around women.

It is possible to look at women without staring at them, at least without obvious creepy staring.

You should practice, sly279. I know you have some positive traits, they come out in your posts sometimes. Seriously. Just practice glancing at women and smiling when you do so. I struggle with eye contact too and am also painfully shy, so it isn't that I just don't get it. I just know that if you are determined, with practice, you can learn how to look at people and say hi, smile and greet them in a way that inspires them to smile and say "hi" back, and move on from there to saying things like "how are you" and glance at people, look at people, even make eye contact without staring.

Most women don't like any men staring at them. Men staring at women is about domination, lust, and objectification most of the time, from a woman's perspective. You don't have to be autistic to put off a woman by staring at her. :shudder:

Glance. smile. Then look away. Then look back! Maybe she'll be smiling at you...just don't take the return smile as an invitation to stare. Take it as an invitation to smile again, maybe wave or say hi. Take it slow and easy. You can do it, I believe in you.

to me stare is look. as in you see them for longer than .000000000000000000000001 seconds.

if that isn't what staring is then what is the time limit that differentiates a stare from a glance or looking?

I do that at my work all the time. so i can do it when required. I've noticed though that people in public don't ever talk to each other. they walk by. at most men nod at each other, I don't know why but I nod back. people in jeep wranglers wave at each other too. both must be some unspoken code. people in general are rather anti social.

but I don't go to social gatherings so all my contact with people/women are at work, or stores(wal-mart, jo ans, winco, bestbuy etc.)

really is no reason to talk to people besides to say excuse me and sorry as you have to move by them in a tight walkway.

I'm not a real man, or good enough for single women here in my area. so I try to minimize contact or seeing them as it a. upsets them likely, b. makes me sad to see them only to know I am not good enough and won't ever have a wife/gf. kinda wish there were separate grocery stores for the genders, one male and one female. main time I really have to deal with it is to go get groceries.

won't get better when i get a job either. nothing will make me good enough and even if it does why would I waste time with people who can't really love me anyways.

maybe if I'd got out of high school and got some great job that lead to an even higher paying job I'd not have this problem. but then I'd likely never been here. but reality is I trash simply because I wasn't successful. I don't want to be with someone who only likes/loves/dates someone when they are successful but look down on them when they aren't . I would never treat a living human like that.

though seems every woman is getting married popping out kids and then divorced and on dating sites. 7/10 women in my area have 1-4 kids . even 18 year old women.theres also more men here then women. and females are under 18.

one advice I can offer for others though is work in retail for a while. it forces you to talk to others which makes it easier to do in general.

Why would I even want to do that? I don't even like to use the telephone with people I know, so why would I want to do it with some woman I had no reason to call? Makes absolutely no sense.



Not at all. I never thought I was inferior, and I was able to get positive interest from girls.



If I didn't place a lot of value on her, why would I bother?



No



They are in the friendzone, so I have no romantic interest.



That's right. Have done that (at dances), and it works so I can ask them for a dance. Still, I wouldn't call it a solution as I don't want to start knowing a girl with verbal conversation.



Why? I don't like girls that expects me to talk a lot, and I'll be deceiving them by faking it.



No true. You know you are compatible because you both share the view that you don't want to talk a lot.



Never been. I tend to flirt with anybody that fancies that, but I won't get verbal unless they are really persistent.

That seems like a drag. While I get along pretty well with people in social settings, I have not adapted their ways, rather have been accepted on my own terms. That means I'm not smiling alot (at most I give a smirk), I'm not practicing "rotation" between people, and I don't speak to keep a conversation going. You should try this. It actually works. People are able to adapt, so why not let them? It should not always be autistic people that should adapt.



No, it is not. Dates and NT social mingling has absolutely nothing in common. Unless you want a NT or a neurodiverse girl that has sold out her identity to the NT world.

Those men are merely nervious, shyness is a whole other beast...
Also, 'collecting' phone numbers is not my style, it's not like i'll call them randomly anyway. what am i going to say: "hey, i'm that guy you gave your number to last night, wanna go for coffee"?


I'm not, i just dont have a reason to start a conversation, and no 'method' to do so even if i did


Nope, not in my case. I just don't want to bother them or creep them out; they are there to dance/drink/do shopping/take the bus, just like i am. I wouldn't want to be bothered by a random girl, no matter how attractive, and i extend them the same curtesy.


Perhaps... is this wrong?


Yes, i am. Also around men and good friends. If it's a face-to-face social situation, i'm shy and nervous.


I never am relaxed when there are people around me, such is the plight of a shy introvert


I do, which gets either me or them (accidentally) friendzoned, if i'm lucky


Well duh, of course. This is why i don't agressively approach them in the first place


I do, but why should i talk if i have nothing to talk about?


Well, sorry and call me a snob, but usually; i do not care, not for 'bar talk', the weather, sports or what have you. Feigning interest is going against my goals. If i were to look for a single night of fun, i might fake it, but that's not what i'm looking for.


"Seem", those people want something short-term off of you (usually your money), and don't care about your personality.
A girl getting to know me when i "put myself out there" doesn't see the real me, since the real me won't be in a situation where this will be relevant...


I'm not, i'm sending out all the signals. Problem is that i send out the wrong ones...


Is it my fault that my body language is different from others? If i focus on the conversation, my body will close off since my situational awareness is lowered, which allows for unexpected touches.
If i focus on body language, this will take all my attention, so i can't give half-decent responses.
To do both, the two of us must be in a private, seperate area, where i can drop my defences a bit and have enough energy to at least try to both speak and use body language, but getting to such a situation requires me to first drop the defences; this is the definition of a catch-22.


If only they tried to chase at all; the fact that i'm standing close isn't enough proof? I'll stand closer to her than to my friends...


Not a "maybe", what i consider 'friendly and interested' body language is considered 'closed and agressive' by NTs, and vice-versa.


I try to, but it's hard to keep focused if she keeps physically hurting me to signal interest. (eye contact, light touch)
Also hard to return such signals if the 'natural' methods (scouting surroundings on her behalf, preparing for defence, taking a protective stance) are interpreted as agressive and uninterested.


Yeah, exactly the problem; there is no way to be sure.


Or, y'know, she could ask me? It takes me some time to feel safe enough to be in the same room with only that one other person, or to go on a date for that matter.


Who says i'm afraid to be rejected? I'm afraid to be ignored, so i need a very good reason to speak and conversational opener.
Her answering with a variation of "sorry, i'm not interested" is not what i'd want, of course, but that is no problem.
Her not responding at all, that is what hurts my feelings, and what i am afraid of.
Also, there aren't that many girls i like from the get-go, i need to get to know them before i can start liking them; my 'dating pool' is limited to my existing (female) friends.


Oh, i try, i try, but it takes so much energy to only be in the situation where i have the chance to talk... I'm exhausted (mentally) before the chance to ask for a number comes up



That's your case, i just don't have the energy.
Most situations where dating happens (bars) give me a sensory meltdown or an epileptic seisure (or both), so i'm scared to need to expend a weeks worth of mental energy just for the off-chance that someone remotely interesting is in that location, even before my social difficulties come into play


I know the rules, but they are complete bullsh*t and counter-inituative, take too much energy to focus on, or put me at severe risk of a meltdown, or any combination of those.


It's useless anyway, becouse they all skip the steps that i need the most: "how to find a reason to speak to them", all advice starts with "once you are talking to a girl", as if that point is easy to get to.

You stop being shy.

Quoting this as an example of hate.

Darkphantom, you are pretty much dead on. There might be some little nitpicky details I'd disagree with you on, but there's no reason whatsoever to break it all apart and go in-depth on it. The only comment I have is regarding rules--there really aren't any hard and fast "rules," as such, it's just looking at human psychology and being honest. The only thing Izzeme really demonstrates is that not everyone is alike. What you are describing as a general dating approach DOES work and will work for pretty much anyone. But you also have to accept that people are different and when you use ANY approach to dating, you're going to have to tweak things a little as you go.

But for right now, you also need to know that there are some people who are just filled with hate and will try to tear you down and derail you when you're on the right track. Your time is better spent building the kinds of relationships you're talking about and putting these good habits in practice. If people would rather pick your posts apart line-by-line and stay in their little box and not get anywhere, let them. If that's what they want to do, give them what they want. Don't waste time trying to justify or defend anything. There are times/places to argue and defend and build up massive quote-trees, and this particular one isn't worth the effort.

It's also kinda funny, isn't it? The kind of advice you're giving out here is predicated on human selfishness. We want what we want and who cares about anyone else? That's why acting interested in other people works in terms of building your popularity. The key word here is "acting" interested. You have to SHOW interest, even if it's not a subject you're genuinely interested in. Why is that important? Because it's the PERSON you are interested in. If you are interested in him or her as a person, you need to start getting into the kinds of things he or she likes. People almost always respond positively and reciprocate when you show interest. The reason I make a big deal of "appearing," "seeming," or "showing" is because too often what we THINK is expressing genuine interest in someone doesn't come across the way we intend it. Human being are very superficial--we all are, even if we don't want to admit it. But that goes back to "being honest." "Showing" those things is superficial. But if we don't wear the superficial appearance of something, we'll fail to communicate it. That's why people with charismatic personalities, good looks, etc., become so popular. They have a natural ability to do these things, even if their true intentions stink to high heaven.

When I was in college, I had a clarinet teacher tell me I needed to put more emotion in my playing, that I need to "feel it." Well, naturally, I said, "I AM feeling it and I'm putting every emotion I have into this." He told me that wasn't enough. He said that having every emotion in the world is useless if it doesn't come out in playing. Musicians are little like magicians--we use our own version of smoke and mirrors to take our audience where we want them to go. What tricks can we use to communicate outwardly what we're thinking/feeling inside?

Back to dating--you have to first understand and be honest about how selfish we all are. This is where the Golden Rule comes into play: "Do unto others…" People who practice this rule are pretty much OBSESSED with how other people feel. Their "special interest" IS other people. Making people smile, helping them out when they're in trouble…these kinds of thing ARE their self-interest. They feel special when others feel good about themselves. They get gratification from seeing the gratification of others. And they just can't friggin' stop. Look at the wealthiest people in the western world. Look at anyone with a rags-to-riches story. They don't let a minute go by that they aren't helping or providing some service to someone. They even hire people to do this for them so they can get a few hours of sleep every night. They understand the world is bigger and more important than them.

If this is good enough for successful businessmen, the wealthy, the powerful, and the influential, then it's plenty good enough for me.

If you want success in dating, apply the rule. Demonstrate a GENUINE interest in someone. Show you love everything about those people. How? Remember names. Remember birthdays/special days. Favorite colors, perfumes, flowers, candy/food, etc. Remember what they do for a living, remember a few details about what they do all day, and when you see them again later on, always ask. Ask about family, friends you have in common. If he or she has a favorite TV show, watch it yourself and ask how they felt about that plot twist or that cliffhanger ending. Not because you're a prime-time soap aficionado, but because HE is, or SHE is, and you know they love to talk about things they love to talk about. SHOW genuine interest in someone.

Last word for this post, this stuck out at me in particular:


I think this is the biggest impediment to succeeding with other people, including getting dates. It's all the WORK involved. You have to work HARD at it. People don't like to work hard. I understand. I'm lazy, too. If it's not something I have an immediate interest in, like music, or something I'm not already good at, I don't want to do it. I get it. I HATE social interaction. It freaks me out. I don't deny this. I'm not rich, popular, or influential, and there's a good reason for that. The problem, though, is for me to be successful in music, i.e. making a living, I HAVE TO LOVE PEOPLE. Love isn't just about how you feel, because I love everyone if that's the case. REAL love means actually DOING something about it. Once you really show people you love them, and you just shower them with love in action, you don't even have to get a job-job…they'll come out of the woodwork to provide you with everything you need. So you can survive? Maybe…but it's mainly to see you keep doing what you do. And these efforts TYPICALLY take the form of "real jobs." But I admit I struggle with this part. It's WORK. If you're afraid of WORK, you'll get nowhere. And if you look at the rest of this post, I think you'll see every angle being taken to avoid some of the patterns most people follow in socializing and dating. Actually feigning interest, for example, does take a lot of effort. But if you REALLY are interested in someone, asking questions about her work, hobbies, family, etc. won't seem like all that much work. It's the upkeep and maintenance that will kill you, because you have to actually REMEMBER all this stuff and bring it back up the next time you get together. That's why I always advise people to keep journals. You don't have to write all your innermost secrets, you don't have to create some literary masterpiece. Just jot down who you saw, when, what you talked about, what to follow up on, and key info. Don't even use full sentences, just something like--Favorite color: Pink. Rides horses. Loves dogs, owns black lab. Favorite OUAT character: Regina. Aunt Dorothy has cancer, undergoing chemo. Likes Red perfume, has birthday next week.

Get in the habit of doing these things with everyone you meet and you'll never spend a weekend alone again. Doesn't matter how shy or introverted you are. Not good at talking to people/holding conversations? GREAT. Then be a good listener. The best listeners keep convos going by keeping the other person talking, and that's the most important part, anyway.

I did not mean my post as hating, just as a display that it isn't as easy as you make it out to be.

The final comment did not mean that i didn't have or want to use the energy to socialize: i ment that i didn't have the energy to be in those locations.
my hearing is so sensitive that i can literally hear and follow all conversations within 200 feet of me, all at the same volume as the others and the music, which takes a lot of energy to focus on a single conversation; hearing only, let alone participate.
aside from that; most bars/stations/supermarkets/busses/... use fluorescent lighting; which flicker at such a frequency that they induce a minor seisure, unless i concentrate on delaying that.

combined: spending an hour in a starbucks takes the same amount of mental energy as writing an hour of my GCSEs, and that is before i'm interacting.

i am more than willing to expend energy to talk to people, try to use the correct body language and whatnot. but i will not spend the energy i need to survive the lights at work for an entire week just on the off-chance that i can see someone to speak to.

these are just the effects inherent to social interaction; i'm now (and in the previous post) ignoring the direct assaults on my health (mental and physical) that go on at parties (strobes, extreme music volumes, crowds...)

i will reiterate that i just gave examples of why your methods don't work for me personally, and that your ideas of shyness were not the complete story: they might work for some, but not for everyone.

just like when my friends told me i had to step a bit out of my comfort zone and go to a party: i had to explain to them that i already was miles outside of my comfort zone talking to *them*

I don't think izzeme is a hater. I think it would be about time that some people here stopped thinking that everybody will thrive and succeed with NT-type dating by learning the skills necessary for that. Not all people want to do this, and some are not even able to do it.

Celebrate the diversity instead of claiming that everybody needs to copy NTs in order to find a partner.