Socially Awkward Guys: Dating Advice from One of You

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Fellow lonely Aspergonaut males of Homo sapiens sapiens; I've walked in your shoes—while you were asleep. You left the door unlocked last night. Anyway you shouldn't listen to me because I've been on more dates than you—actually I've been on zero—and you shouldn't listen to me because other people have told me my advice is sound. You should listen to me because I've read a few other people in this very same spot try to give advice and, well, one time a girl looked at me and smiled—or maybe she was looking at the TV behind me.

Meeting women is a numbers game. Increasing the number of women you meet will increase your chances of meeting a compatible date. You won't meet anyone sitting at home *****ing off. Actually, I take that back: You can! You see, your standards might be too high. Consider expanding them to include, for example, a blow-up doll you ordered off the Internet and had delivered directly to that home you never leave. And your chances of her leaving you are pretty small—except for that guy you play video games with who always finishes off the cheese puffs. You know he'll be eying your miracle of modern plastics with envy.

The next big thing is being open to trying new things. If she likes the ballet, you better know more about the Nutcracker than that it sounds excruciatingly painful. Tell her something that shows you read Wikipedia five minutes before she picked you up*: "A lot of people think this ballet made its debut in 1820, but expert Wikipedophile 'BatenTheHook has a source saying it was 1821 although CaveWhiteBasementDweller adds experts do not agree about the veracity of that playbill." After you get to the ballet when she asks why you look so bored, tell her that you didn't get much sleep last night and that ballet really, really sucks.

No dating guide would be complete without a mention of confidence. Every other guide says it's important, but obviously if new guides keep being written, the current guides are falling flat. Confidence doesn't matter. There is a certain je ne sais quoi to saying: "After we finish this plate of chicken marsala, I want to take you back, set a rose for every strand of your vibrant hair on the bed, let my fingers linger on your Venusian body, and let something primal but spiritual happen...well, maybe, if you want, I mean if that's okay with you, I mean are we taking things too fast? Christ! Where's my inhaler?"

Another part past guides have gotten wrong is appearance and hygiene. You are who you are, and if you change who you are for someone else, you're no one, just putty. If you only bathe once a week, wear sweat-stained t-shirts that you had when you were five, and like your hair greasy, don't settle for changing to attract the women superficial enough not to like that. There's a woman out there who doesn't mind these things, and she's a real gem. She's also blind and has lost her sense of smell.

Approaching women can be difficult. It takes tact. You've got to get them to notice you too. The best way to accomplish this is to be as obnoxious as possible. Dress up like someone wearing one of those costumes at the theme park; then say something thought-provoking—or at least shocking and provocative. After everyone's staring at you in disbelief, approach the woman of your choice and say, "Hey, I was staring at your breasts. I bet you couldn't tell since I'm wearing this costume!" That's a real conversation starter.

Anyway with this advice, you may go out into the world knowing you have what it takes to attract a woman who really must be someone special. Best of luck to you and remember I am not liable if you follow this advice.

* Women really go for a guy who can't drive for himself because it shows he has the means to take care himself by meeting someone who can for him. That's initiative. That's maturity.

Thanks for the comedy

You crazy man!

Freakin' legendary. I luff j00z. <3

And nice freggin' point about the appearance thing. I'm at my wit's end with people here in that regard...and my man for that matter. There's you at your best, and there's you at your worst. They should not be one and the same! FFS guys, give her something she ACTUALLY might want. A sweaty, messy-looking, childishly-dressed male is hardly attractive. I've seen so many guys mutter and mumble about the sort of female they're most attracted to, and lists of unrealistic expectations, yet they can't even put on a freakin' nice shirt on for once and have a wash and shave to try and meet such wonderful women's expectations themselves. Self-defeat ahoy

Who the heck is this character?

I can assure ye that what he says isn't the right way at all.

--Doc Gamester--

Methinks he's the new WP comedian?

You cant take some hygien shortcuts with mitchams antipersperant. Only need to wash once every other day/

Some women like the way a man smells. I like the way a woman smells a lot better than the way most deoderant does.

This is one of those posts that doesn't even belong in here.

Neanthuman.

I am Sir Ninja.

aka Sir Gamester, resident advisor, psych advisor, date doctor, and councilor in these here parts, and if you were to imagine my voice, think Sean Connery, with a preference for big guns and things that go boom.

I don't know where you come off with this stuff. But this whole using Wikipedians is a bad idea. Extremly bad.

You've been on zero dates, and you offer this stuff........mate, I have one thing to say....Please do not post this kind of garbage on here.

This site is for serioius people looking to have help with their problems, not for some joker to make fun of this. Now I seriously think you need to think about this next time you post.

Sincerely.

Sir Gamester.

lol

chill out man

you catch more flies with honey than vinegar

Yeah, it really doesn't look like anyone was taking this seriously.

I for one hate the sort of woman who is obsessed with fashion, clothes, etc. I shower, shave and use deodorant, but I'm not going to pretend I'm into fashion or any crap like that. If a woman can't tolerate that, then I don't want her. (I don't mind if she dresses shabbily, never wears high heels or makeup so no, I'm not a hypocrite)

Reow...I said nothing about hollywood or catwalk expectations

There's a difference between making no effort and dressing like a hobo, and making minimal effort and looking alright. A lot of guys will make NO effort and wonder why they're virgins, then have the gall to whine about it when someone tells them to take a little pride in their appearance. You don't present a birthday cake to someone as a mound of baked mush across a large plate normally...you put it in a caketin to cook it, and sometimes even decorate it...offer people a slice of it rather than a chunk of brick that happens to taste awesome. I'll have a slice of plain cake that didn't get cooked quite right if I feel like it, but nothing is gonna tempt me to take a handful of the cakezilla spewed across a tray.

Deodorant and shower and shave...you're ahead of the bunch already. And frankly that's good enough. I can't stand men who look and smell like they've been living in the bush for the last 20 years...and so do most women.

You'll know a fashion-hoe woman when you see her. You'll get "Like, oh my god, why aren't you wearing Dolce & Gabbana sunglasses? And you smell heinous, you should like TOTALLY be wearing Calvin Klein...those shoes are like SO last Tuesday you know. And we all know that if you're gonna wear a t-shirt it should be Abercrombie & Fitch, you are like, SUCH a fashion disaster..."

Nothing wrong with hobos. I get good attention even in that guise - if I'm in the right mood.