LillaA wrote:
I'd have to know you to know if #1 is right or not. I'm an NT, my boyfriend is AS; I have a very good friend who is NT and has a brother-in-law who is AS. The BIL uses AS as an excuse a LOT. He's the youngest kid, he's spoiled rotten, and anytime anything comes up, AS is his excuse to get his way. That's wrong. My boyfriend, on the other hand, doesn't use AS as an excuse unless it is legitimately a reason. For example, AS is a legitimate reason to prefer not to be the one who runs to Walmart cause we're out of milk. However, he doesn't use it as a crutch. If he can handle something, he will. Together, we try to make choices to make life easier for him so that he doesn't have to fight as hard as often (like I do the shopping most of the time), but he doesn't go around using AS as an excuse for anything that he can, only when needed. So, if you're like my boyfriend, then no, don't listen to your friend; if you're like my friend's BIL, then put on your big-boy (or big-girl) undies and start acting like an adult. Since I don't know you, I'll say, think about times when AS is an excuse for you and what you could do to not use that excuse, to determine whether it's a convenient way to avoid trouble or a serious need for accommodation. Don't let AS hold you back, but don't deny its existence.
I don't agree with never telling anyone about AS. There is a lot of negative stereotyping of AS, but the only way that will be fixed is if people start being more open and honest about it. One of the reasons my boyfriend and I are pretty open about him having AS is because we want people to realize that you can have AS and not be all the bad things people assume. So, I wouldn't tell everyone the first day I meet them, but I wouldn't feel the need to hide it either. Especially in the context of romantic relationships - openness and honesty is the best thing for relationships, so be open and honest. It will enable your girlfriends (if they're actually good people) to learn how to be the best partner they can to you, and enable you to feel comfortable being yourself around them.
Regarding her 2nd complaint, that's simply a personality and person-to-person thing, not something that's an AS issue. Again, without knowing you, I don't know if you're too uptight about your plans, but planning in and of itself isn't necessarily a bad thing. Ironically, my AS boyfriend is the one to take things as they come and be relaxed, and as an NT I'm the one in our relationship wanting to plan everything out. So, definitely not an AS thing. But, as a self-confessed planner, I do think that learning to be OK with things not going according to plan and trying to be somewhat spontaneous can be a good thing. Generally in between two extremes is the best place to be. So, maybe try to work on being more OK with spontaneity, but don't think that planning is something "wrong" with you, it's just a different approach to life.
This. This is correct. I'm an Aspie in a relationship with an NT, and I can tell you that we operate very much like this person with their relationship. My ASD doesn't come up a lot, but, for example, if there's a need to call a company on the phone for services, my partner usually does it because that is especially difficult for me. Or, there are certain TV shows whose theme music is unusually loud for me even though my partner says they are no louder then the rest of the show, so he lets me mute the TV when those come on. Or he might need to remind me that it is socially appropriate to return someone's text. Little adjustments. The biggest one is that when we have an argument, I get really, really tongue-tied. My ability to speak almost totally shuts down so that it will take 5-10, sometimes 20-30, seconds to get each word out.
So, always disclose to a significant other (if it truly is significant), but most other people probably have no reason to know.
ASD is a lifelong condition, but we live in an NT world, and so we have an obligation to learn how to operate within it. This doesn't mean pretending to be normal, but it does mean that as time goes on we learn techniques that help us interact better. Theoretically, the older you get, the less ASD should ever need to come up. ASD is not an excuse to be an @sshole (though I'm not suggesting you are one). To those who would use ASD as a crutch: you live in this world, like it or not. Learn how. It is not going to bend for you, nor should it. We don't reroute the river on the whims of one stone.
As far as rigidity, if it is becoming a problem, you can work to change it. If it isn't bothering anyone, then don't worry about it. I like schedules and plans. I don't like visiting friends when they aren't expecting me (or them visiting me). My friends know this, and they accept it. It doesn't bother anyone. But if it is a problem, keep in mind that the world isn't going to burn down if your plans get changed. The best way to become more flexible is to tolerate growing amounts of flexibility. Make a plan to go a movie, but don't plan what movie you will see (or whatever is on the edge of tolerable for you). Notice I said tolerable, not comfortable. If it makes you anxious but you can stand it, that's good. If you can't stand it, you overreached and need to try something smaller. Once you've had a few unplanned events go well, you will start to learn that it is ok not to plan everything. This is something I've had to deal with myself. I can be very rigid in my need to plan things out, which is why I purposely force myself out of this habit from time to time.
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You don't need to hide, my friend, for I am just like you.
20 Jan 2015, 2:30 am
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