Good tips for NT's in a relationship with an aspie.

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I got this article as my third result google hit when I google "asperger's relationships". However, beware the comment section:

http://www.empowher.com/mental-health/content/tips-being-relationship-man-who-has-aspergers-or-autism?page=0,0

I went directly to the comments section lol, not all comments were bad.

But the best advice to the guys here: If you ever get a relationship, don't ever reveal your AS to your partner, not on first day, not after 100 years. Keep it as your little secret and take it with you to your grave.

I went directly to the comments section lol, not all comments were bad.

But the best advice to the guys here: If you ever get a relationship, don't ever reveal your AS to your partner, not on first day, not after 100 years. Keep it as your little secret and take it with you to your grave.

Letting the woman knows it well make her search the internet and read all the negative stories there (tip: people vent if things are bad more than if things are good, hence why you see more negative stories) - and she'll associate them to you, or she'll develop a paranoia about the future with you like Aspie1 in the other thread, and you'll be seen "unfixable".

Plus, there's no consensus what AS is anymore, hence was removed from DMS5.


It's better she thinks of you as socially inept or extreme introvert than that


So, never reveal it.

If you don't reveal to your partner that you have AS, then they'll never be able to follow the advice given on that article and just assume all the incorrect things about you.

Also, it's not true that nobody knows what AS is anymore. AS is just autism on the mild end of the scale. If you have AS then you'll still be diagnosed as having ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder) in the DSM 5. There was no consensus of what AS was even before it was removed in the DSM 5. Even under the DSM 4 definition, AS was virtually exactly the same as mild autism and it was frequently diagnosed interchangeably with HFA with little distinction between them. That's why in the DSM 5, they combined them into one diagnosis but they didn't really remove AS in the sense that it's no longer considered a disorder. It just shares the same diagnosis with other forms of autism that had separate diagnoses previously.

I don't fully agree with you. I'm a NT girl who's been in a relationship with an aspie for a little over two years now. When we started dating, I didn't really notice anything odd about him. Yes, he was a little introverted, but I didn't think anything of it. I really liked him. So you're right about that: it will be seen as a introverted personality at first.

After a month or so, my boyfriend told me about his Asperger's (or autism if you don't 'believe' in Asperger's). I was really glad that he did, and it didn't make me like (and later love) him any less. Right now, I'm happy he told me about being an aspie. Some little quirks of his made more sense. I learned not to blame him for his bluntness or his lack of energy when it came to social events (or even going to town). I learned a lot about AS and autism in general, which helped us knowing what to expect of eachother.

I think it's so very important to be honest and to communicate in a relationship, especially if you're going for the long run. You just can't lie about or hide something that's such a big part of your way of thinking. AS should never be used as an excuse for bad behaviour, but it might help your partner to deal with your sometimes frustrating (believe me) behaviour. Please don't think your partner won't notice it, because he or she will. He/she will appreciate the fact that you shared such a personal and perhaps difficult aspect of your life (at least I did). If they don't, this may not be the right person for you. Believe me, a girl that's accepting and curious about the mind is the right girl for you.

Bottom line: if you love someone, or think that you will, please tell them. AS(D) is part of who you are, it's explains the way your mind works and it helps your partner know what makes you happy. Aspies can have a succesful and happy relationship with someone, but communication and honesty are key. Hiding something in an relationship is very close to lying!

So from a NT person to an aspie: this is what we NT's would like you to do in a serious relationship

The article in the link is okay insofar as it goes, but it is limited in scope, shallow in execution and addresses primarily the stereotype more than the reality of ASD/NT relationships. It definitely assumes/implies that the ASD partner is male and the NT partner female. ***coughcough*women can be autistic too, deny it all you want*cough***

I think, being female, I am more open to and better at discussing and explaining emotions than men--even many NT men are--on account of women are conditioned to accept being emotional, and men are conditioned to view all negative emotions *except* anger as for weak women and children. If what this article says about romance is anything like accurate, I'm more romantic than most Autistic adults as well.

Any advice for if the relationship is the other way around, genderwise?

I'm an Aspie woman who didn't realize I was Aspie until my NT husband of about a year-and-a-half started pressuring me about empathy, social anxiety, odd facial expressions, awkward behavior, communication gaffes and vocal tone and volume.

After five month's research into psychosocial disorders, I told him the label that fits me or box that I fit in best with my own personal brand of freakiness is not OCD, sociopathy or BPD, but Asperger's Disorder.

Since it's definitely too late for me to not tell him I'm on the Spectrum (in fact he sometimes chooses the most awkward moments to tell others I have assburgers), what would you advise?

He hates everything about the internet, avoids using it unless there's no other means to pursue his goals, and is suspect of any information found on the web or in books printed by psychologists, psychiatrists, physicians or counselors.

So what would you do in my place? The roller-coaster ride of going from complete uphill acceptance and support, to terrifying downhill rage-at-her-to-force-a-change is exhausting. I do think telling your partner is better than trying to hide it from him/her, though.

not sure about if/when to tell, but if i had a gf and she went around telling people I had it. Id be pissed if she didn't stop I'd leave her.

you don't go around sharing your spouse's personal information.

such a stereotype out there for people with AS and people tend to view it as a negative. so I don't know if i'd ever tell a gf.

I'm never going to tell my future girlfriend i'm a time traveling alien cyborg from the 26th century. Never. It's best no one knows.

I would agree with you that we should tell someone that we're dating that we have AS. However, I guess that what a lot of people are afraid of is stigmatisation. There are too many people on the internet, who claim to have had a relationship with an aspie, who tell others not to get involved with one and say negative things like "he will ruin your life", "he can't empathise" or "he can't love" if you ask for support in a lot of internet forums or if you even mention that your boyfriend or girlfriend has AS, as the comments on this article show.

Although I would want to let someone I'm dating know that I have AS, I wouldn't tell them initially until I feel that I can trust them, then I'll tell.

You're so mistaken Jono, do your research on the matter. A LOT would be "undiagnosed", there are so politically correct articles on the matter out there but I've read sources and quotes said by the ones who WROTE the DSM4, and other quotes by other professionals in the field - what really happened wasn't a simple merge of AS and ASD (that's the political correct claim in Aspie communities), however the real reason behind its removal was an almost-consensus among those who wrote the diagnosis in the first place that it went way out of hand, way over-diagnosed, and it was way broad that it could include a great variety of people types from a simply highly introvert people/socially odd to real mild autistics to the extent that it makes no sense anymore , the authors of the DSM4 felt that it went so wrong so they decided to correct things, they made it more strict and more specific by "merging" it with ASD. I've read accounts by professionals that a lot of "Aspies" who have been diagnosed under DSM4 won't pass the DSM5.

The real intention of the "merge" was filtering, and not just simply merging.

Last edited by The_Face_of_Boo on 27 Mar 2015, 3:01 am, edited 2 times in total.

Generally speaking.....men are more tolerant when it comes to simple quirks (generalization, I know), but your husband isn't much or maybe you have it severe.


I dunno what to advice you, never been married so I don't have much wisdom in the matter, but your case is a fine example why it's not always best to tell. At first he thought you're odd, now he thinks you're some kind of mental case or alien by birth.


It's ok to keep it as a little secret from partner, it's not like as if it's some crime or cheating or an illegitimate child.


Now since AS is no more in DSM5 there's chance you wouldn't be diagnosed, maybe that would make him stop talking about it?

Actually, I've seen a paper where they did a survey of children diagnosed with AS under the DSM 4 to see if they would still be diagnosed as ASD under the DSM 5 and the results were that not only was it just small minority of people who lost their diagnosis under the DSM 5 but there more "new diagnoses" of people who diagnosed as ASD under the DSM 5 but not as another autism spectrum disorder under the DSM 4 than there were people who lost their AS diagnosis under the DSM 4. For those who lost their diagnosis of AS in the DSM 4, they could usually still be diagnosed with SCD (Social Communication Disorder) which is a new diagnosis introduced in the DSM 5 and not considered a form of autism. The bottom line is, if you no longer fit the criteria for ASD in the DSM 5, then you probably didn't fit all the criteria for AS under the DSM 4.

In any case, I already know that I still fit the criteria for ASD in DSM 5, so the change doesn't affect me personally anyway.

Jono, this is article by Allen Frances, who's Allen Frances?? He was one of those who INTRODUCED AS into DSM4.

However Frances believes that the DSM5 won't do a better job in making it more strict:




But I've read other opinions by other DSM5/DSM4 authors who believe that it would.

Boo, don't me wrong, you are right that there'll be a decrease in diagnosis of ASD in the DSM 5 from the DSM 4 (it will decrease by a factor of one 3rd, in fact) but that decrease is mainly due to people who would been diagnosed as having PDD-NOS no longer fitting the new definition of autism. The loss of diagnosis of AS is statistically insignificant, however. Take a look at this quote I've found from a news article:

Part in bold is my emphasis.

http://newsroom.cumc.columbia.edu/blog/2014/02/27/new-autism-definition-may-decrease-diagnosis-one-third-columbia-nursing-study-finds/

So there you have it. It was actually PDD-NOS that was over-diagnosed, not Aspergers.

It is not a bible you know, I expect further filtering for DSM6.

It's obvious what they're trying to do.

Expect weirdness geekyness, stimming getting excited easily, hyperactivity immaturity and being repetitive we cannot help it we try to but it cannot be helped!