Moving in with my girlfriend... And I'm nervous.

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Hey guys, I'm petty bad at opening up to people about my concerns and fears....so here goes.

I have been with an amazing girl for little over a year. She's an NT and I'm the "blessed one". I've had pretty shaky relationships in the past and to be frank, I thought she would be another using, overprotective, tries to run my life girl. To my surprise, she's pretty much exactly like me. Both shy, not really experienced with major life tasks, lived with our parents into our 20s. She's a sweetheart!
The only problem is that soon we'll be moving in together around August with a few friends. I have never lived on my own and especially never lived with my significant other. I love her dearly and don't know what's going to happen when... It happens. I've had anxiety attacks due to overthinking horrible possibilities. "She leaves me, cheats on me, wants to go back home, etc." I don't want this relationship to be ruined although I know that moving in together at our age is probably for the best. We're two noobs at being grown ups about to start our life together. What can I do to overcome this anxiety? I don't really know how to do bills effectively, more look for apartments. Honestly, I'm more of a child than a grown up.
I feel like I found my soulmate, and i want it to work out.

All of us start out in life not being good at living on our own and being totally responsible for all that entails. The most important thing as I see it, is to make up a proper budget. Nothing will ruin relationships worse than money problems when you can't pay your bills or can't afford food. I'm sure that thinking of budgeting will make your anxiety way worse, but I hope you can find someone to help you with it. Once it is done properly, it will make you feel much more secure and stable.

In my part of the word - traditionally, most couples move directly from parents' home to marital home once they get married, without the living alone phase in between.

And most are doing fine from what I see - as long there's enough income.

First of all, congratulations on taking this next step together! Second, regarding your fears, keep in mind that nothing is ever as bad as you think it is. She obviously loves you and wants to be with you, since she agreed to live with you! Regarding the practical details, you may want to seek the advice of someone who's been through bill paying and apartment hunting before (it's also not as bad as you think. A little overwhelming at first but doable). My personal advice with bill paying is to pay them all at one time, so that you don't forget anything. Overall, though be sure to take things one day at a time, and trust that things will work out in your favor. Good luck!

You seem to be very considerate of her feelings and that is why she is ready for this - but how considerate are you of your own feelings? Are you OK with the fact that she will be around you constantly, that you won't get much personal space? Or is she so well within you that it would not be a concern? I'm sure you've already considered this but I have to ask, since most Aspies need lots of alone time, and that was the case with me.

I typed out a big story about why it didn't work out but my internet connection glitched and it got lost To make a long story short - I lived alone for a year and loved it, then my (now ex) girlfriend moved in with me. That I felt like I wasn't getting enough alone time, enough space - I freaked out, became an anxious mess (above and beyond what I am able to put under wraps), suddenly started to hate her, kicked her out and now we don't talk any more. It was easily one of the worst experiences of my life. It's been about a month now and I'm just now starting to feel myself crawl out of it.

Don't worry - my case is a bad example, and doesn't predict what will happen in yours. Only time will tell that. She could be the one, that you end up marrying and possibly having kids with. Worst case could be something at least as bad as mine. And really it's not all that bad, you get beaten up emotionally but you learn so much and are certainly no worse for the wear.

Looking for an apartment, paying bills, doing adult stuff like that is not that difficult at all. I for one have found that being an adult who works is both a lot more rewarding and a lot easier than being a child who goes to school. The goal is to get to a point where your own competence is not the question, but rather, what is available to you - rent markets, job opportunities, etc. Unless your parents can continue to help you indefinitely, then you'll need to learn it all sooner or later. But you can do it - just about everyone does!

As far as bills go...keep them organized, and pay them on time. I usually write their due date on a calender or note pad, somewhere.

Renting an apartment is easy...finding the right one, for the right price, is the hard part.

Also, tell yourself, that if this doesn't work out, then at least you will have gained experience.

Maybe you can have your girlfriend take the lead with the apartment searching & have her help you out with the bill management; like have the bills in her name & you give her the money when you get paid or have her help you go over your finances. I live with my girlfriend & she had to be the one in charge of apartment searching & bills have to be in her name due to her being on Section 8 & that works out well. It's also a two bedroom apartment so I have a room to go in to do my own thing which I kind of need.

You've been in a serious relationship with this girl for a year?

FREAKIN' GET MARRIED!! !!

That is all.

year isnt' that long. I'd want to wait 2. no need to rush into marriage anyways.

There is if you're planning on living together. Like dividing up bills, joint assets held in common, children/custody, etc.

If you've been SERIOUSLY dating, you know you're ready for marriage after 3 months. Don't drag it out. If you've been SERIOUSLY dating for 1 year, propose to the poor girl. Give it another year MAX so you can get affairs in order--like paying off debt/getting a game plan for handling debt together, agreeing on where you stand with having children, and deciding how close you want to live to the in-laws (that last one is more about BUYING a house than renting an apartment, but not bad advice for apartment-seeking, either). When my wife were wrapping up our engagement, we were fighting over whose apartment we were moving into together. I fought courageously to keep my loft, but alas it was the townhouse that won the day.

If marriage talk is a problem after 1 year, you need to call it quits. Living together is NOT the way to go.

lots of people never get married. you don't need a piece of paper from the government saying you love each other.

is love any less real without that paper, if the answer is yes, then you don't really have love. real love doesn't need paper to bind it.

also many people consider marriage under a year to be rushing it. I want to live with the lady for a year before marriage. man oh man can living with someone change everything.

Real love commits and puts it down in writing.


Oh sure, it can change everything. You get to fight over who owes what when you pay the bills. You can't own joint assets in common. You can TRY to divide everything up 50/50 when someone cheats or moves out, but you've got nothing backing it up. You have no legal standing should something catastrophic happen. And if you're living together and sleeping together, what are you doing about kids or the possibility of kids? Yes, it changes everything…

So if you aren't willing to commit to a relationship, why stay together? If marriage immediately strikes you with dread and fear, the relationship is in trouble. Get out NOW.

I'm not saying you shouldn't date for a year or get to know someone for a year. I'm just saying if the relationship takes a serious turn, don't drag it out. And there's all kinds of wrong with living together. I'm not crazy about "coed" roommates if you want that kind of arrangement, but hey, I also recognize that this is the 21st century.

Now, as far as what marriage is like--richer/poorer, sickness/health actually MEANS something to us. We've actually been homeless at one point in our walk together. We survived. "My money" and "your money" have very little meaning now. I see very little of "my" paycheck. She gets EVERYTHING. Lights stay on, phones/internet (almost) always work, and the water keeps running. We always have just enough food to survive. Kids get to stay in a nice Catholic school. Our arrangement is a Karl Marx wet dream.

Bottom line: If you REALLY care about someone, "put a ring on it."

you move in together and it turns out shes the opposite of you in just about every way, but you never noticed this when dating. my friend dated for year, married her moved in divorced 3 weeks later.

man i guess all those people for thousands of years who never had a government paper didn't' really love each other. marriage true marriage doesn't and didn't need a piece of paper, this is just gov trying to get money.

my loyalty isn't defined by a paper. and also theres many many many look at the divorce rates, people who that paper meant nothing to despite it. tough times hit and they still walked away.

I doubt you wife kept with you because of the paper probably more to do with her love and loyalty. \

I'll marry on my timeline and when we both ready. I don't want to be one of those rushed into it and divorced people. why does it matter if a couple married after 10 years together then stayed together for life or if they married after 1 day and stayed together for life. success is success. or even if they never married and stayed together for life.
what works for you won't work for others. what works for others won't work for you.

why do you think states have common law marriages.

committing to a relationship has nothing to do with marriage. you seem stuck in this unless you get the govs approval you don't have a relationship. so if a baby is born with no birth cert, then does it not exist?

You could "date" someone for 50 years and the same thing could happen. Trouble is, if you have kids together and a whole bunch of possessions, bank accounts, and so forth and you "break up," you can't just go to a judge and get something legally binding when you divide everything up. Legally-recognized marriage protects both of you from losing half your stuff.


Oh please…legal marriage HAS been around for thousands of years. Are you kidding me? Divorce has been around since before Moses.


Sure, they walked away…with an AGREEMENT on who gets what when the marriage fails. That 52-foot high def jumbotron you watch the Super Bowl on in your living room every year that YOU bought with YOUR money? All anyone is going to see is that it came out of a joint bank account and you have no proof that TV is actually yours. You take your fancy TV and she'll probably slap theft charges on you if she hates you enough. Or, even worse, she walks out with YOUR TV and YOUR gaming console, shows a credit card receipt with HER name on it even though you always paid the bills. Buh-bye.

Joint accounts and assets protected by marriage can be argued between lawyers, agreements can be made on how to divide it up, and once a judge signs on it you have nothing else to worry about.


Well, yeah. Look, all the "paper" is is an covenant/agreement/contract between two people with the best intentions towards each other. We're going to be loyal to each other, we promise each other that, and we MEAN it. So we made it official and legally binding. Good stuff.


OK…so if it's going to work out great for both people long term, why not just get married?


I don't have a problem with common law marriages, but it's harder to get into them and make them stick.


What are the laws regarding birth certificates?

going have to disagree to disagree i suppose.

wierd always heard of divorce courts giving half to the woman. here , everything bought post marriage is considered shared along with debt after married. so when divorce comes its split. so she still likely gets your big tv. but if you two just live together and you bought your tv under you name and card, the court gives you your tv back or she has to pay you its value, funny how that works. you can also make written agreements for bills and have it witnessed and signed. you know like you would if you lived with roommates. if I move out of a place with my friend he doesn't' get half my stuff.

all this is doing is making me(pro marriage) feel anti marriage.

I moved in with my fiance. we had dated ten months. It was a bad experience but served a purpose. As soon as we settled in, he started to hit me, so I was able to get out without a divorce.