Oneitis and Manic Pixie Dream Girl problems?

Post Reply New Topic

Since 10th grade, I’ve had many crushes, but a few, my feelings would develop so quickly and powerfully, I’d develop Oneitis towards her.

I thought I’d never stoop to such a pathetically low point the first time it happened, tenth grade, but I outdid myself last year in the 12th grade. I was just lucky she was willing to still be friends with me after I made such a fool of myself.

Anyway, my second ex-girlfriend, was a Manic Pixie Dream Girl, or at least, even if she didn’t intend to, she posessed all the traits of one. She was extremely childish, silly and playful, but not necessarily immature. She was actually very mature, independent, determined, hardworking, headstrong and empowered. Nonetheless, I’ve realized I miss her, but since I can’t have her back, every single trait I’m attracted to for a possible future partner is essentially the same traits my ex-girlfriend had. I basically desire an exact carbon copy of my ex-girlfriend, but just in someone else, because it’s actually my ex-girlfriend I want back.

Anyway, day-in, day-out, I’ve very lonely and isolated. All my good friends live a few towns over, so I can’t hang out with them as much as I’d like to.

A friend in my own city or a girlfriend would help solve my loneliness issues, but I’ve been starting to see a relationship as a type of escapism from the harsh ‘real world’.

I also desire a woman with an extremely adventurous, outgoing, erratic, eccentric and hyperactive personality and lifestyle.

I’m trying not to be selfish, though. I feel I have plenty to offer to a relationship myself, and can be quite adventurous, spontaneous, playful, energetic and friendly as well. But is it normal, natural, or healthy for me to see relationaships in this way? As some sort of escape from this pitiful, miserable loneliness I suffer day-in, day-out, waiting for some miracle girl to come into my life and make it so much better? I’d love to be the exact same thing back to her and would be perfectly comfortable being her form of escape as well.

And, before you tell me I should ‘focus on my own life’ and ‘focus on being happy single’, I am. I eat healthy, exercise, sleep 8-9 hours a night, spend time on my hobbies and interests, volunteer 2 days a week, spend time with family and occasionally with friends when I can, I meditate, I use aromatherapy, etc. I couldn’t be any happier most of the time, it’s just when I’m miserable due to my mild depression, I want a wonderful girlfriend to escape life with.

Is that a bad thing to see relationships this way?

Reason I'm making this, it's happening again - a girl who's family is friend's with mine, I haven't seen her in a few months but once I do see her again, I want to take my chances to get to know her.

But, I'm putting far too much weight on the fact that everything will go ideally.

And I am an Underdark Dwarf boy.

I think the types of feelings that you're having are normal for a person of your age. You seem to be having idealistic expectations of what your romantic relationships should be like. I remember feeling the same when I was around your age.

I'm sure you've heard of the "knight in shining armor" that women are supposedly looking for to take them away from their problems and ordinary lives. I'm sure there is probably an equivalent for men.

It's natural to want to be able to escape the difficulties of life, and to look towards another to help one escape, and to alleviate feelings of loneliness. I don't think you should have to be happy being single. There's nothing wrong with wanting a relationship.

I think your concerns are valid about having unrealistic expectations for future relationships. Just be aware so that you are not pinning all of your hopes on just one person, or expecting that having a good relationship is going to solve your problems.

Dear OP, you sound very normal!
It's basic human nature to desire a partner even though other aspects of life are balanced. You found someone that made you happy and now you need a replacement. Keep looking but try to be accommodating of new types too. You might fall in love with something unexpected.
Probably as you get older you will suffer less Oneitis but do make a strong effort to give your partner room to live their own life including time away from you.

Thank you both.

And, I'd say a Manic Pixie Dream Girl is the male equivalent -it's a character trope in films of an eccentric, wild, hyperactive, unique, bubbly, friendly, attractive female who comes into the depressed, brooding male protagonist's life to have the knight in shining armor effect on his life.

"Just be aware so that you are not pinning all of your hopes on just one person, or expecting that having a good relationship is going to solve you"

Unfortunately, I still can't logically escape that attitude.

While I am well aware getting a girlfriend won't solve my depression or other issues, it will solve my loneliness, as long as I spend enough time with her to stop feeling as lonely and isolated.

I think about it in a logical way - if my only problem in life was loneliness, the only inevitable answer is social interaction and other people.

I know it won't solve my other problems, though, and having two girlfriend's proved this. The second girlfriend especially made it clear to me I have to solve my issues on my own, as she was already so happy and I could see she would be fine without me.

That's why I work on my issues but still...it's just the loneliness, that's all.

And maybe it's about time I accept I can't find happiness being single or, at the very least, being lonely.

Back when I lived near my friends, I hung out with them all the time, and was far more content being single so long as I actually did fun things with them, and this I did.

"Keep looking but try to be accommodating of new types too. You might fall in love with something unexpected."

I try, but I seem to have very high/near-perfectionist standards of what I want in a relationship partner.

She doesn't have to be like my ex-girlfriend really, but there's still so many requirements I've set that narrow down too many people.

Even if I try to go out of my comfort zone and get to know gals I have nothing in common with/can't relate to at all, I lack any sort of meaningful connection with them, and most of them can't accept me for who I am.

What I'm saying is I try to give different types a chance but find it a futile effort. If I can predict I won't connect with a girl, I'm usually right.

I think the most ideal way to approach relationships is with the aim of building a life-long connection with a compatible partner, but it happens pretty often that people will try to use a relationship to fill a void too. I know I'm guilty of that to some degree.

Of course, as you would know, placing the reins of your emotions in other people's hands is a dangerous game. Unfortunately, though, it is necessary to acquire a sense of romantic fulfilment.

I guess the less control you give others over your emotions, the less hurt you will find yourself if things should go south. That's why I personally don't let myself fall for anyone unless I have solid reason to believe they're interested in me too. I think I had to erect that defensive wall though, in order to minimise the impact of the unrequited love I would experience every time I fell for someone.

Had my success rate been better with crushes, I think rejection would be at least slightly easier for me to handle, because the feeling that I'm not/may never be able to attract girls I'm interested in would be contradicted by past experiences, and thus not factored in as heavily to the emotional pitfall that is rejection. But then, we've had a similar discussion before, and I'm not sure how much better it would be to have only experienced dud relationships than none at all. I can't make anything more than speculations without having lived both realities.

But tell me, Outrider, are there avenues you can investigate in terms of making friends closer to you?

Friendships may help you curve some of the loneliness you feel, and having a reason to get out of the house can't hurt if you can organise activities to partake in with them.

Yes, relationships have always simply filled a void for me.

I never saw an issue with this. We use friendships for the exact same purpose a lot of the time.

It's not like I'm not making an effort to be happy and independent on my own.

I have just as much to offer and could fill someone else's void mutually. I'm working hard in all areas of my life, and all I'm lacking in is a healthy social life for the mind.

Irregardless of my efforts, this is not the ideal place to meet people, and circumstances are against me. I'd rather be where you are, Brisbane, or ideally somewhere on the gold coast. My family wants to move to the coast, just outside of Brisbane, the perfect quiet spot close to Brissy and the GC without all the noise and traffic. We are considering Bribie Island.

I live in a small city with not much to do for most people in general. There is a high crime rate and people in general are extremely rude, intrusive/don't mind their own business, and just plain idiotic.

Even the young adults here have no way to meet others except for bars, the one nightclub, and in the streets, and those all aren't ideal scenarios to find romantic relationship partners.

For teenagers, it is far worse. I'm at the awkward age where I'm a high school graduate, yet still under 18 - meetup groups, for instance, are all 18+.

There's no clubs or groups or anything for my interests. My only options are:

1. The shopping centre/mall, but usually most teens who get out to the mall aren't the types I'm interested in befriending (the shallow, uptight girls and douchey guys).

2. The local pool is awful and disgusting, more than even the average swimming pool, and is expensive. So, the rare times I can go there with family. Also usually has the douchey people.

3. I work in retail, and even if my co-workers are all older, and even if I work during the day, from 3.00pm to 4.30pm during the day there is the rare, rare opportunity I come across females my age - I even got a flirty smile from one that was in a hurry, once. But teens are rare in lifeline shops. City Beach? Maybe they're common, but certainly not thrift stores.

4. Cinema, if I was actually interested in going, but I'm often not.

5. Parks, in the rare chance there's some teens there with their friends or family.

6. Bookshop/library to possibly meet nerdy/artistic gals.

This is the kind of place where you already should have friends to hang out with, and it's not easy to meet new people.

I'm finding it far too difficult to cope with just holding out until my family and I move, it could be in just a few weeks, it could still take several months.

My only recourse to meet others is through existing family and friends - this is how I met that cute girl I'm starting to think about and want to get to know next time I see her. When we said hello to each other again after long time no see, I did feel something mutual, though it could have been all in my head. We've both changed a lot - she was just a kid, and I a chubby little 13 year old. Now I'm 17, look far more grown up and more fit, and she's entering year 11. We were both kind of shy/nervous saying hi to each other again, and we both lingered a bit with our eyes. I just feel awkward at the thought of contacting her on facebook out of the blue, but my patience is wearing thin - they live in the same town as my other family, and my family and I were to visit my relatives and possibly stop by the girl's familie's house quickly, but it was cancelled at the last minute.

You want me to be honest?

I think you'll do better once you go to University.

For some people, I wouldn't give this advice.

But I think it's applicable to you.

I think not going to University is causing you problems in availability.

"So may I ask what would aid a girl in terms of being a prospective romantic partner for you? What would work against her? What would exclude her altogether?"

Complete exclusion:

- 'Boring'/no hobbies or interest: I define this as the type of people with no sort of constructive or productive hobbies or interest, but purely passive ones that require no complex thought or reasoning.

I'm saying females my age who simply spend all their free time just socializing on their phones and/or scrolling their facebook wall and liking memes on facebook.

Or watching whatever popular is on tv right now.

I prefer artistic or nerdy type females with an interest in a type of science or the arts and such, blah blah and can be very 'adventurous' and spontaneous person and desire the exact back.

- Shallow, overly-concerned with looks, fashion, etc.

I'm not big on cultural standards on what's attractive, namely excessive makeup, hair product usage, fake tanning, excessive perfume/deodorant usage, following fashion trends, etc. You know what I'm talking about.

- Un-educated, ignorant, just plain stupid.

May sound arrogant of me to say that, but I've dealt with it enough and my first girlfriend could have been described as this. I've tried getting to know females who lack basic social skills or common sense. I don't want to go into an overly-detailed debate as to what my definition of uneducated/ignorant is. Simply put, I don't like 'dumb' girls.

Desirable qualities:

- As said, nerdy/artistic types.

- Practicality, resourcefulness > flashy/the shiniest/the prettiest. Nokia > Iphone, cheap thrift store clothing that looks good > latest new fashion design, for instance.

- Alternative/hippy: Vegetarian/vegan, environmentalist, new ager, etc.

I personally meditate, use aromatherapy, want to get into environmentalism, am into new age, study philosophy, etc.

It's surprisingly hard to find a female posessing even a few of these traits, and not possessing any of the undesirable traits. At least in this city.

Another issue is, the types I want seem to want nothing to do with me. I was acquaintances with a few in high school, yes, but even they have all abandoned me and don't want to be friends anymore.

Most I meet in real life or online have no interest in me, and it's the ones with the undesirable traits that give me all the attention.

I do get quite a bit of attention, based almost solely on my looks...most are turned off by my personality and I can't relate with most females my age.

I honestly think it's my looks. I consider myself quite good looking and could be mistaken for one of those douchey males that likes intense partying, working out, hip-hop music - a 'bro', a 'jock', whatever you want to call that male stereotype.

Usually those males do end up dating the shallow, uptight women overly-concerned with fashion, and they must assume I'm their type, as my Tinder matches are actually moderate-high and most of them seem to be this.

Reality is I'm more of an 'ambitious new age hippy hipster' guy, at least that's what I call myself. I try to dress nicely as well to reflect my personality.

When I dress laidback/casually, I look more like a 'bro'.

"You want me to be honest?

I think you'll do better once you go to University.

For some people, I wouldn't give this advice.

But I think it's applicable to you.

I think not going to University is causing you problems in availability."

I certainly will. I'm not going to the one here though, nor jumping straight into studying when I'm a bit unsure what I want to do. The one here doesn't have what I want, and it costs money to transfer once my family move.

All I've got planned for now is, January/February next year, is to do a 7 month diploma in electronic music production. Along with acting workshops/classes at local theaters, possibly find Spanish classes, learn First Aid, Writing classes/workshop, to get my driver's license, get a part-time job, move-out, save up, and then start university. That's my plan for the next roughly 3 years, and I want to start university around 20.

Doing something is much better than doing nothing.

Girls really don't like guys that are doing nothing.

Especially when they are young.

I think the first phrase means that he's quite focused on that particular girl (ONE-itis)

I think the second means the person has a certain hairstyle with bangs, and acts quite youthful for her age.

To be honest you don't come across as an 'ambitious new age hippy hipster' guy. At least based on your profile picture.

I'm not sure how I come across, and I've recently been finding myself to ask for feedback.

And, that description of myself is all I can think of to sum myself up in a few words - I'm very ambitious and goal-oriented, I'm a new ager, I'm something of a hippy in that I'm very laidback and calm, and a 'hipster' simply because of my taste in entertainment.

I'd rather reject labels in general, though. It's just a short way to describe myself, like how many people may say they're 'nerdy' or 'geeky' or a 'goth' or 'emo'. Well, that's my term.

And, I know when I dress casually/laidback, I must come across as a 'bro'. I didn't mean to speak negatively of 'bro's' before, I'm actually tolerant of all different kinds of people and just because a male is a 'bro' doesn't necessarily mean he's a bad person. I was just agitated over other things earlier.

But anyway that could be how I come across as it's those Forever21 wearing, nightclubbing type women, or at least the teenage girl equivalent, that give me the attention, the types I'd usually see end up dating 'bros'. As much as I try to give any of them a chance, it never goes anywhere. They're bored by me, and I'm bored by them. It's simple incompatibility.

How do I come across in my profile picture? Geek? I know of the neckbeard stereotype and such, but I still try to avoid it - most 'fedora men' seem to wear the fedora with unfashionable clothes that don't fit the rest of their outfit. My clothing actually matches, and it's the way I enjoy dressing.

I really don't know how to dress to convey myself. As laidback as I am, I'm not some grub who's fine with being a mess, but prefer to dress sharply. Who-ever said a 'hippy' can't? As said, that's just one aspect of my personality unrelated to my fashion sense.

@AspE: Oneitis is a term referring to extreme obsession with one particular person, to the point you feel they're one of a kind, and that you'll never get the opportunity to meet someone like them ever again, so it is vital you carry out on your mission to try and end up in a relationship with them. It's a very unhealthy path to suffer and the movie (500) Days of Summer is a perfect example. A manic pixie dream girl, as said, is a movie stereotype of a ditzy, innocent, playful, extremely attractive girl who comes into the depressed male protagonist's life to change his life for the better. My second girlfriend seemed to have this effect on me, whether she intended to or not.

You're not a neckbeard.

Your mode of dress would have been called "preppy" in the 1980s/1990s. Especially with the argyle-pattern sweater/vest.