need advice on my marriage...

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One year after moving in and shortly after marriage he stopped spending time with me. He didn't have a job and would spend all day playing games, taking pain killers and watching porn and I went to bed alone majority of nights. I worked full time and did all the house work. If i asked for help he would but would do it in a very angry way like slamming dishes so I stopped asking. His only task was paying bills which he rarely did fully or on time even though we could afford it. Some weekends he did play in a band and make a little money. He would come and tell me about his encounters with women. How he would let them sit on his lap, hang all over him, show him their boobs etc. This was probably my fault because of my aspergers (difficulty reading body language, feedback etc). I nearly had to beg for sex or for time together. I felt like his mommy and started to feel angry and alone.

I started having bad reactions to birth control and have to stop everything i try. Then I get pregnant. Still having the same problems. He steals my pain pills after my 36 hour labor with forceps and two failed epidurals. I'm in bed with newborn barely able to walk. He spends all day on computer games. He doesn't clean. The house is as bad as his man cave. I have to scream for him when i need something cause he rarely checked on me and can't hear me over game.

I go back to work and he stays home with daughter. He gets tired of this and with the help of his father opens a business. I have to do all of his accounting. He keeps messy incomplete records. This stresses me out. After 5 months he tells me he will probably shut it down that week cause it's not doing well. I ask if he wants to stay at home with kids after he does. He comes home later and says he shut it down that day and it was all my fault for not believing in him.

He decides to go back to college. When he fails he blames it on other people, his teachers and the school. He decides to take up acting because he says all he really wants is to be famous and recognised for his art.

We have our second child in august 2013. He gets a job for a few months at an attorney's office. He isn't happy and quits. Goes to his dads office building to start another business.

After our second child is born I start to have aspie meltdowns. At this time i'm still doing everything with little to no help, working full time at a cpa firm and have taken over paying all bills. He steals pain killers again and tries to refill them behind my back. I'm falling out of love.

In April 2014 I score a 32 on aq test then get an aspergers diagnosis. Psychiatrist says I'm likely on the border.

My grandma dies. I'm not in love and now depressed. He begins reading about asd.

He confronts me and says I need to accept responsibility for our problems because they were my fault and that I need to change. I start therapy. I learn to prevent meltdowns and eliminate stress with a breathing technique I used during my second labor.

Things don't go as he would like. I don't change. He tells me after sons first birthday party that he wasn't coming home. We need time apart. I leave the party crying. He tells me how happy he is without me. He returns a week later because I "look like s**t". .

Next he begins telling me he is torn between me and wanting to see other women. He brings it up repeatedly. Until one night he starts texting he is a failure and a loser and how he should just kill himself. He comes home and bullies me into an open relationship. I say it's against my beliefs. He says "that's not logical. If you had needs I would want you to fulfill them" "I might as well sleep with someone. I'd probably feel better". He tells me that he will need girlfriend to go to social events with and to talk to and that it would lead to sex. I argue. He says I'm an emotional child and illogical. After a while out of exhaustion I say fine we will have an open relationship and continue therapy. He says "that is the most decisive thing you have said our entire marriage". He is happy and holds me. Three days later I say don't really want an open relationship. He says that he never asked for one. That what I said that night was BS. He was just expressing his feelings. A few days later he says it's best he moves out again. I'm ok with it. Happy honestly. He comes back the next day. Says he is going to hang himself cause at least then he would get a rise out of me. Has meltdown by the door. I pick him up and hold him while he cries. He says he is staying home because he now has hope because I knew what to do. I continue therapy. I bring him twice but become embarrassed by his hostile attitude towards my counselor. I no longer invite him.

On Christmas I mess up. I had put the presents under the tree without him after he went to bed angry because he offended me. He said his parents bought the gifts so we would feel like we were giving the kids something. I thought it was all about the kids. So i did make a big mistake there. He says he wants a divorce on new years. He leaves on new years day. Next day he says he is hopeful. He visits regularly. One day he snoops through my Facebook. He sees that I had been emailing an old childhood friend who is a guy about my troubles. There is nothing there. He is like a brother, lives halfway across US, and is married. So my husband gets hostile and starts asking me questions in an accusatory tone. I say he is just a friend. He says " BS. You dont have any friends". I say yes i do and that I consider my siblings my best friends too. He says that I don't. So I get upset and leave the room. He follows me. Things get foggy at this point. For some reason he calls me weak. Asks if i want a divorce, I don't answer and he then leaves. The next day he said he only did what he did to "manipulate you to see how childish you were. Any normal person would have called bull on me."

Over the next few days he writes a separation agreement. Changes his facebook status to separated. I get crazy texts every other day about how nobody cares about him and how he should kill himself. One day he sends me an email telling me i should go on disability. I say "no ive been working since I was 16 and I've never had problems. I'm a good worker." He says I'm in denial and brings over a list of all autism traits and tells me what he thinks I'm bad at. He tells me i need experimental treatment. That one day the kids will think I don't love them. Things get worse.

He starts posting online about how miserable he is, how i had a meltdown during an all day party, the Christmas incident, how insecure I was that he might cheat, and how I wasn't there for him ever. A specialist calls him from Australia. She talks to him and he talks to me the next day. He apologizes for all the mean things he said, says he can't be mad because I have a handicap. He starts writing his feelings down along with what he needs. During this time I ask if he slept with anyone. He says yes but the specialist told him to not tell me because aspies tend to act like children and think in black and white. I'm hurt but it was while we were separated for almost 4 weeks. I let it go. He is nice for a month. Writing down feelings works but over time he stops because he doesn't feel like it.

It feels like the cycle is starting over. He throws tantrums, has mood swings, gets jealous of the kids getting my attention, punches things, ignores me when I ask him stuff, is cold, tells me I make him feel alone, is unhappy with work (his dad gave him a job last year before I quit mine to stay home four months ago). He says he is still in mourning that I have aspergers. His mood is good if he is on alot of drugs. Bad if he is out of pain killers or tryng to quit smoking. And I keep messing up cause I have no idea what to do to make him happy. I can't ever seem to give him enough attention. If i point out what makes me unhappy it's always my fault. Like it was my fault for not asking him the right way to help around the house. I don't really understand that. I'm not a nag or bitchy.

I feel uncomfortable leaving him alone with the kids. After coming home to him ignoring them while playing games with my baby screaming and poop everywhere, I stopped. My baby boy cries and he goes into a rage. Once I thought he might throw him. But he set him down and started punching walls. But this is all my fault because I gave him ptsd. He told me he once threw a guitar at his girlfriends head so I'm thinking maybe he has always had rage. It took months of me and his parents asking to get him to stop smoking inside. He said "well my dad did it. He can't tell me what to do."

Is this normal nt behavior? He seems to have all adhd symptoms. He lies and exaggerates to make himself look good. He doesn't listen. Loses things constantly. Im afraid as to how he may react if I say anything. I'm lost. I know I'm to blame for a lot too. I feel useless. That was long...sorry.

It's very common for women with Asperger's to fall victim to abusive predators. You need to get this abusive man out of your life. It's important that you realize that it's not you who's the problem here. You're the only one acting like the real adult in this situation.

Your husband needs to see a psychiatrist because 1) he has a reliance on substances 2) neglects his own children 3) manipulates you with suicide threats 4) has serious anger issues 5) he doesn't respect you 6) he is using your diagnosis as an excuse for his own abusive behavior 7) it's clear he has some mental instability and it needs to be treated.

This is not typical NT behavior.
Your husband is an @$$hat of high magnitude.
Is it possible to ditch him completely?

this man is dangerous. it's only a matter of time before he physically abuses you and the kids. get rid of him before that happens. you've already put up with his immaturity and self-centeredness way too long.

anyway, sympathy goes to early separations

when you wait till the kids are grown, you'll be told you're ridiculus for not wanting to go on with this!

Thank you. I didn't think anyone would read a post that long.
I must be a flippin idiot. My family wasnt happy about me marrying him. I never really trusted him and I guess I brushed warning signs away by thinking he was quirky.idk.
He hasn't been affectionate in a week and hasn't been talking much. And today no wedding ring. So either he is playing a game, wants the attention he gets when things aren't going well or is going to yoyo back and forth between moving out and crying to come back. At least when he is unhappy with me he gives the kids attention and is more affectionate to them. I get this weird feeling he is doing it to hurt me in some way.
Anyway I feel I should wait a year and a half for my son to start talking so he can tell me what goes on when I'm not around and knows not to eat what my husband leaves sitting around. My husband is very manipulative and charming and I think he would get full or joint custody. My son still picks up stuff he finds on the floor and eats it and my husband leaves cigarettes, pills and nicotine gum in reach. I'm constantly picking up after him. I once took a nap with my son and my husband gave daughter some burning hot food. Her screaming woke me up. And he has told her a few times he wanted to throw her against a wall. I told him this is not ok and he acted sorry. But what if I'm not around?

Dear woman, don't wait, pick up your child and go. You'll be weaker next year. You have a job, get back with your parents for the time you need to find solutions. Life will be easier after that first step.

I quit my job in January to stay at home with the kids. Daycare was so expensive and he finally had a job but I'm constantly in fear he will quit employment with his dad. He doesn't like work. I have no family in Louisiana. They are in Colorado and Virginia. I could start looking for a job and planning and saving to leave. I have been working on my credit. I've gone from bad credit to fair. I believe I can be completely independent. But I don't see it happening soon.

I'm sad and sorry to hear of how you've been treated by this man.

As others have said, get this jerk out of your life as soon as humanly possible.

He is a grade-A ass h*le whichever way you slice it.

And please do NOT listen to his words when he blames you and your autism for everything that's gone wrong. WOW, just wow. This is a horrible, horrible man. Please try to find any way you can to get your and your kids out of this marriage and then figure out what to do from there. Considering the danger your children are in regarding picking up pills from the floor, and your husband expressing a desire to throw your screaming daughter against the wall --- you should qualify for a place at the nearest women's shelter. This is all completely unacceptable and it only gets worse from here. You cannot stay.

Please, even if it takes desperate measures or a shelter for domestic abuse, rather than "waiting a year" or getting a job, take those desperate measure and get away.

My best friend lives close by. I know she would do anything for me but I don't know if they would have room for me and the kids. She is already taking care of some extended family. But her and her husband love my kids. So I can talk to her when I visit this weekend.

Please tell your best friend the full details like you've posted here. Nobody hearing this in full could deny you help -- this is serious stuff. You desperately need any port in the storm, and ASAP.

Don't hold back when you share with your friend just how bad things have become for you and for your children. Anyone who might help you needs to know the full extent of what's going on.

I'm so sad for you, as all of this is horrible. I've been there except minus the kids. I hope you can get the help you need to get out of this situation.

I completely agree with what other people have written. You really need to leave him for you and your children’s safety; it will only get worse the longer you stay. He sounds dangerous and manipulative. You and your children deserve so much better.

Get out as soon as you safely can.

This man is not one to stay with for any reason at all; he has been engaging in emotional abuse for years, has proven to be tremendously irresponsible, immature, and prone to violence. There is no justification whatsoever for the way he's been treating you--NO ONE needs to stay in a situation like yours because it's obvious he has no respect for human rights. He needs truly intensive, professional help and even fi he gets it, will not likely evolve into a suitable husband or father.

I've been a teacher for more than 20 years and have seen relationships of all types--from the best to the worst. Yours is one of the worst I've seen/heard of. I have a close friend who is in a similar marriage, with friends and family members who've been begging her to leave her husband for years, but even her situation is not as dangerous as yours. It's painful to watch her and her chidlren suffer, but her future, like yours, is in her own hands. We can't fix it for her, but we can--and do--give her emotional support and are always ready to take her in at a moment's notice. I think you have friends and family who might help you gain your independence, and they'd be proud of you for taking that important step.

Let me say this again: your situation will not get better unless you leave. It can be tricky and temporarily, more dangerous, because your husband will be mad, but you can contact local support services, make a plan, and leave when the time is right.

I'm on my lunch break and have to hurry back to my class, so please excuse me if I'm not being clear enough or leaving something out. Please, take care of yourself and your children. My thoughts and my heart are with you.

His mom and I just caught him lying and trying to manipulate us against each other. She has room and knows most of what goes on. My best friend knows most and my sister and mom and cousin. My mom told me he will end up hurting me. I've been to embarrassed to tell anyone everything because of the shocked reactions. It's like coming out of a fog the more I share.

That's what I'm afraid of. What is he going to do? He told me he used to stalk me and read my emails.