confused gf of a possible aspie

Post Reply New Topic

Hi guys,
lots of great info on here, thanks

***PLEASE SKIM READ ... i've added a lot of - maybe unneccessary - info to help explain******

I need some help. I'm a little confused. My partner of ~3years has some signs of high-functioning autism. At first I thought he was selfish and insensitive, but now I think it might be something more. I know a lot of these signs do go hand-in-hand with 'normal' people; no one is perfect. Anyway, the signs include:

- very limited interests. I don't know how normal this is, and if I am just comparing him to myself, who loves everything from biology, drawing, nature, reading, history, physics etc ... he LOVES/ obsesses over films, football and american football, music and politics. However it is rare that he'll pursue these interests all at once, and will go through phases of obsessively downloading and ordering his films for a month or so, then stops completely to read nothing but sport all day every day etc. This leads to ...

- 'one-way' conversations. Unfortunately, he'll completely and utterly bores me to death talking about intricate drum patterns in music, or how a director did this or that in a film. He doesn't seem to understand that I find it boring, even though I have on the occassion explained that talking about music/art this way ruins it for me who likes to 'feel' it rather than picking songs apart. He gets very offended if I say this to him, and then seems to 'forget', and continues talking about it for ages later. If I try to talk about something he claims he is also interested in, e.g. the environment or animals, he rarely asks questions or encourages my talking. So now i just give up talking about things I am interested in because i dont want to bore him.

- Insensitivity to my feelings. Okay so this one may be partly my fault. I am a little 'complicated' to say the least; I've always been very social, loved talking and meeting new people and spent my whole life with my friends by my side. But I also love solitude to 'recharge', and do need my own space; especially when i have PMS. But i don't keep these feelings hidden; I've told him this, and that it's not 'contradictory' and its normal for people (espeically menstrating girls!) to need time alone. However, he doesn't understand or care about these needs of mine. In the last three years I have never been 'given' time alone in the house, just to chill. He just doesnt seem to respect my need for time alone (we live with each other). We're students (age 22), and I even suggested that we live apart so I can get time alone but he just wasn't having that; he just doesn't seem to care about these feelings.

- he has quite bad social anxiety. He's never been 'popular' or had many friends his whole life. He hasnt made any friends at uni, and thinks everyone is 'stupid'; dunno if this is a defensive mechanism and he doesnt really believe this? He behaves kind of weirdly tbh, he says things in a weird way to people; its hard to explain. Thus he doesnt EVER want to socialise which is hard for me as I've become the biggest flake in the world, ignoring my friends who mean a lot to me because he doesnt want to go see them with me. If i go to see them alone, I'd have to rush back for him, where he'll be moody and never ask if I had a nice time or whatever. So to avoid conflict i've isolated myself from my friends and family. If i ever try to explain this to him he'll just wont ever understand that i've made such sacrifices for him, and call me selfish for wanting to see them. So, slightly abusive bf or AS?

other symptoms include ... repetitively playing with his hair, smelling things, awful handwriting, bad at throwing and tying his laces, scared of swimming or perhaps can't swim, facial expressions rarely changee so its hard to deduce when he's joking, when we're watching something on tv he'll freqyently have to have me explain something that people say/ do, use of 'big words' but have little understanding of symbolism etc ...
... but then he's also very good at cycling, decent at football, and has been more socialiable in the past?

Almost a year ago I softly suggested he has a god few signs of AS, and he flipped. He obviously thinks autism means the severe cases aka rainman. I figured out he has social anxiety but took him almost a year to accept that too. I don't know if i'm way off mark, or if it does seem like he has it, how do I tell him without offending him?!
A year ago I realised I had some symptoms of dyslexia, got tested, and found out I was. I now get 'disabled student allowance'. I try to use this as an example of how 'disabled' and 'learning difficulties' doesn't make you an idiot or require constant care or whatever. Lots of genuises have autism but no, he still wasn't having it.

what do you guys think?? Can AS make one appear 'selfish'? In all honesty he is making my life a bit s***. I'm ambitious and adventerous, I want to see the world and meet new people! He is restricting me from fulfilling my dreams, and being very unsupportive. If I know this isn't his fault, I would be a whole lot happier and we could maybe come up with a middle-ground where we are both happy. I love and care for him deeply despite all this.

sorry for such a long message. Thanks for reading.

Wow. For a 'girlfriend', you seem to have a lot of complaints about your 'boyfriend', and nothing to say in his favor. Maybe you're just better off without him.

If you came here looking for a diagnosis for him, you should know that none of us here are qualified to do so. Only an appropriately-trained and licensed mental-health professional can make an official diagnosis of an ASD, and only after interviewing him in person. Online tests can not provide an objective ASD diagnosis either, as they are mere screening tools that might indicate a possible tendency toward an Autistic Spectrum Disorder.

Hey come on now, no need for the sarcasm. Do you think I would be writing on here if I didn't care about him? If he wasn't my 'boyfriend'? Unfortunately it's been a bit rough and despite loving him lots there are a lot of bad things about our relationship. Maybe I wasn't clear with what I was asking; I'll reiterate.

Has anyone with a partner of someone with high-functioning autism felt that their partner was insensitive to their feelings and appeared a bit selfish?

Has anyone seen symptoms such as these, gotten diagnosed, and the diagnosis helped them sort out communication problems/ understand one-another better? Any tips on how to explain to a significant other that they may have autism w/o offending them?

But yes, I know no one but a professional (and even they may get it wrong!) can make any diagnosis. But do these symptoms appear to cross-over with autism? Before I offend him again by bringing it up.

Thanks for replying so fast though. I can list the good things about him if you like!

I really feel awful now. He isn't a bad guy. This is literally all the bad things about him, which isn't that much really! Lots of couples have problems. I just think there's a big difference between having a brain wired differently, making it harder to understand other people, and just being plain selfish. I think its the former that is why I am here!

I was not being sarcastic. If he's such a lousy person, then you may be better off without him.It depends on whether you are seeking help for yourself in order to understand him better, or if you are simply looking for some kind of justification to leave him.It could be a form of Autism ... Or Narcisstic Personality Disorder ... Or some form of Psycopathy ... Or maybe he's just the kind of guy who doesn't give a rip about others, especially women ... Your only way to find out for certain is to get him to an appropriately-trained and licensed professional. If you can't, then your next best option may be to leave him. If he is an Aspie in denial, then he is likely to never acknowledge that he has any responsiblity for any of the problems in the relationship. Thus, you may be in for a lifetime of more of the same behavior and treatment, without even a sincere apology to show for your heartache.

Of course, this is all just my opinion as an independently-minded Aspie without any training in clinical psychology beyond second-year University. So don't take any of it seriously if you think it has no merit; in fact, I encourage you to ignore my opinions completely if you think they're full of crap.

In any case, good luck.

I hear similar things from my wife periodically.


I was diagnosed with Asperger's rather late in life (at age 50). For me, it was very helpful. But honestly, the diagnosis didn't help ME "sort out communication problems" or help ME "understand my wife" any better.

With that being said, I do believe having the Asperger's diagnosis did help my wife understand me better. She still complains about certain behaviors (that are common for people with the diagnosis). Overall, she does seem a tiny bit more accommodating. And, be aware, I am not complaining. I fully understand that I am not a model husband. I am far from it.

There are a number of books out there targeted towards people who are in relationships with someone with Asperger’s. I would suggest you read one. It might also be helpful for you to read Tony Attwood’s book (“The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome”). Both my wife and I read through it before I was diagnosed. Good luck.

To me, it sounds like the typical maturity level you could expect from people who are in their late teens/early twenties. It really doesn't sound like the communication between the two of you is bad, but it doesn't sound like either of you are on the same page in this relationship either (Ie. socializing with friends, living arrangements, travelling plans). When the two people in the relationship aren't really on the same page, misunderstandings often occur.
I don't really sense an abusive relationship out of your posts or any deliberate selfishness. I think you can chalk up some of this behaviour to maturity level and social or relationship experience. Any comments about autism or possible diagnosis I will leave up to others on this forum to comment on.