Drugs and Relationships

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Ok, here’s the deal…I’m also posting this cause he said it was ok and didn’t mind.

My boyfriend and I just passed our 2 year anniversary and I’m so happy…I love him so much.

But there’s been a problem. He’s been doing drugs. For a long time. And he lied to me about it for a long time, and lied to me about smoking cigarettes for 2 whole years, even when he swore to me and promised that he never touched one. It’s been so upsetting to me, and it kills me to see him doing this. Especially when he’s out for a drive when the driver is also high. Every single time he does this, or I hear he’s gonna be doing this, I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, and I just wait for that call that he’s been in an accident, even though he claims people drive better while high, which is untrue. I love him more than anything, and it kills me to even think that he might get hurt or even killed. He doesn’t seem to comprehend, no matter how much I talk about it, even when I’m hysterical over the phone, how much it upsets me and hurts me that the things he always bragged about being better than are now things that he is doing.

Deep down, he knows it’s wrong, but he won’t admit he’s wrong. Ever. For instance, when I suspected he was doing these drugs (I knew he was lying because he was acting the same as he did whenever he lied about smoking), I looked at his private messages because I was terribly sick with worry and upset because he was lying to me/felt he couldn’t confide in me. And I found a message with him admitting he did drugs. When I brought it up, he freaked out. SECONDS after saying he wanted a break, he went on myspace, changed his status to single, and proceeded to text message EVERYONE in his cell phone, bragging that he finally got rid of me. A few days later, he realized it was a mistake, saying he loves me so much and never wants to lose me, and he “forgave me” and I was happier than ever, because I never wanna lose him. The happiness went down quite a bit when I found out that he has no intentions to tell his friends for a loooooong time that he was back with me, because that would be admitting he was wrong and he would lose his masculinity for some reason, also claiming that they‘d think he was stupid for taking me back when I “obviously can‘t be trusted“ (he just won‘t accept that I was worried and upset so much that it was making me sick, and that it was because of his LYING that made me look at his messages. So I can‘t be trusted, but he did nothing wrong by lying to me for 2 years). No matter what, he just won’t tell them, which REALLY, REALLY upsets me. His friends obviously don’t think much of me either, saying such things as, you don’t need her, dump her already, she’s too far away (from the people who obviously are only about physical love), she’s such a psycho, she’s a b****, and “That’s the best decision I’ve ever heard you make” (about breaking up with me). I can’t imagine what is said about me that I DON’T know of.

He lives 700 miles away, and he might be coming up soon to visit. However, he wants to spend like half of the time staying with his friend at his house, getting high. It kills me so much that after not seeing each other for 5 months, he would sacrifice some of the precious little time we do have together to go and get high. He doesn’t understand why I don’t want him to do this, thinking I’m just being selfish. He then threatens to stay at his friends house the WHOLE time if I don’t let him do this. And he won’t even let me come with him just to BE with him, even if he IS gonna be high.

So I was wondering if anyone had any advice. I love him more than life itself and it hurts so much to see him doing these things to himself…I’d do anything to get him to stop and get him to go back to when he believed he was so much better than these things. I love him WITHOUT the drugs, and the people who like him while he’s high aren’t real friends…

And since he knows I’m posting this and will probably look up my recent posts to find it, hopefully your advice might help him…which I feel like a total failure at doing……and I feel like a failure as a girlfriend because he won't listen to me and I can't help him.......

This is real simple. You've got to choose whether you love him enough on drugs. I think it's clear he ain't gonna change; he's willing to LIE to you about it after all. He was ready to break up over it, and only made nice when he could make you become the "bad guy." Normally I would say that you both have a choice, but it seem clear that he doesn't love you enough to seriously attempt to kick the habit. I (unlike an Ann Landers) can't tell you which is more important; but I can tell you that this is your choice, and yours alone, unless he enters some sort of treatment.

Yup, I love him no matter what he does, drugs or not...like I told him, I don't accept it, but I love him regardless

Well, then you have to learn to accept it. Make it so that it no longer is a secret pain dragging the two of you apart. The answers are easy though, doing them is tough.

Well,it's simple then....if you love him you have to love him as he is,drugs and all.I am an adict,stopped using 15 years ago....no one could have gotten me to stop,I would convince myself I didnt like someone before I would let them seperate me from my only true love.getting drunk into oblivian.So if you chose to be with him as he is you should stop trying to change him,it wont work.And if you think he loves you,guess again....an addict and partier loves one thing...the next fix,drink,party...your just a safe place to sober up and maybe have a cuddle.

I doubt you're going to like what I'm about to say, but if your boyfriend

then he can't want to see you that much, not to mention the fact that he brags that he's gotten rid of you, can't admit to his friends that you're back together and so on.
That's no fault of yours *hugs* because there's obviously reasons why he says he wants to spend half of the time with you, but he wants to have his cake and eat it.

Don't submit to threats because they have no place in a loving relationship.
If it were my boyfriend, I'd let him stay at his friends house the whole time because if he genuinely wanted to see me, he'd make time.

Much of your post points to him leading a double life which is common for people with drug problems to do.
There's having a separate social life from your partner which is healthy but that's vastly different from having a huge part of their life about which your opinion suddenly doesn't seem to matter as much and which he will lie about, which is denial as I think you already know.

I don't doubt that you love him very much, but he's taking advantage of that and you as you have given your whole self to him and he hasn't matched anywhere near that.
Unless he admits that his drug taking is a problem for him, despite how much you may want to help him, it's only going to be a problem for you which will involve great sacrifice on your part for little progress.

What kind of drugs he uses is very important. It is also important to consider that he is lying because of how he thinks you'd react, and NOT because he knows it is wrong. Can't really give any sort of advice without knowing at least one of these.

Yeah he did keep it from me because he was afraid of how I'd react. So I'm thankful he thought of that rather than just not caring about my feelings.

It's just marijuana, so I'm thankful it's only that...could be worse. So it's not that bad, it just upsets me so much.

But I know I'll love him with or without the drugs, so that won't be a problem...and hopefully he'll quit soon and there won't be any more problems.

Don't count on him quitting. But, it's just pot. I don't do any illegal drugs, but I don't think I'd be having these huge questions about pot. Would you feel the same if he had a few beers every night?

Yeah, it's not too big a deal, so it's not that bad...it just upsets me that he's so obsessed with doing it and he needs the money badly for a car and college coming up. And he called me while high one night and it terrified me to hear him like that...he wasn't himself at all. And the fact that he's arguing so much...not listening to a word I say hurts...but that's unavoidable for someone who does these things I guess

And he has done the beer thing, and has gotten drunk...and I didn't like that either lol But I told him as long as he stayed away from cigarettes (sore subject for me cause at age 12 I had to witness my grandmother die slowly from them - tracheotomy and all) and drugs, it's ok if he does a little of that, and he promised me he wouldn't. As you can see, the promise didn't last lol (He only told me he smoked when his mother found his cigarettes and wanted a way to get out of getting in trouble)

Thank you guys so much!

You have to accept it. I understand worrying about him when he does it, but you need to accept that he's his own person, and that he's going to do what he enjoys, despite what you may say. Also, prying into his private life because of your fears was wrong, and I hope you know that.

Yup, I definitely realize that...I guess I was just so sick with worry (physically sick too), I forgot about that...but I'm glad I did find out cause it made me stop wondering and despite what I found out, it made me feel better.

Yup, I just wish he didn't drive with a high driver. That scares me more than almost anything.

Well, that seems like a not unreasonable compromise. Offer to drive (staight) for them. Worry if they don't except it.

Recovering addict here... basically an addict's entire personality centers around themselves, he is obssessed with what he wants, whether its sex, money, drugs, even a heart-to-heart real relationship with you, its all the same stuff to him, it blocks out the pain, makes life easier to deal with. He will lie, cheat, steal, do anything that is necessary to obtain get his high back. And what you're describing is typical addict behavior.

We can't convince you to break up with him. But the reality is, either he will hit some sort of bottom and start to reexamine his life and try to change his behaviors, or they will get progressively WORSE.

Well, that's my experience with addiction. And even when I stopped doing drugs, my thinking was all screwed up, and its taking a lot of work to repair the damage and turn myself into a functioning member of society.

Hmm. Seems psychotic himself. How do you know that your love is reciprocal? It's up to you to do what you think is best though, but I can't stand junkies. It seems as if he's using you, from what I've seen. Not telling his friends for a long time? BULL****

Whatever you see in him, it's no-one's job to intervene in personal relationships. Good look with that anyway.

Yet more reason to ban cannabis and tobacco, except prescription weed for medical purposes.

Thanks everyone ^_^