Bi?Poly?Curious? Not quite

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So I recently got message from what appear to be a really cool girl who actually lives in PDX too .............but here's the catch. She's not single, she's available What that means is that she's polyamourous, she has a boyfriend but is perfectly open to seeing someone ELSE on the side. I dont disapprove of polyamory, HOWEVER it really is Not my style. My reasons for not wanting to get involved in it are of course being possessive and somewhat jealous.But its NOT so much the fact that she'd be f*cking someone else that would make me jealous, its that I would be essentially competing with another guy for her attention. I really like to have lots of attention and Im very loyal and I EXPECT the same from someone else. I dont know WHY the hell poly people come knockin' at my door but Im not sure what I should do next just yet..........

Let her know you're looking for a relationship where you can be number one. Obviously, she's shopping for different BF's, because for whatever reason, the guy she's with isn't looking to be permanance material.

variety the spice of life and all that.. kind of agree, I really don't like competition anyway...

I don't think I would be interested in polyamory.

You might be right about that. Although my first inclination is that she's the kind of woman who wants a man to take care of her and be there for her yet still feels entitled to her sexual freedom. Trouble is, if I became #1 then later down the road she'd admit to seeing someone else on the side and then might tell me that Im being replaced. WTF is the Real purpose of polyamory anyway? Womens "sexual liberation"?

That makes it sound like this situation would cause you more distress than pleasure.

Dude, you can do better than a girl who doesn't think you or your feelings are a priority.

For the most part I agree with the above 2 posts, HOWEVER-is it too risky for me to ask her how things are going with her current bf and if she is "boyfriend shopping"? Not to mention if her bf is accepting of her polyamorous ways...........

Unfortunately it's more common than ever.

Most people call them open relationships. I always thought of open relationships as dating a few people until they met the right person. Now it's a little different.

Well I would tell her you were looking for a one on one relationship or find someone who's single and doesn't have a boo.

On the bright side, at least she told beforehand instead of it turning into a surprise surprise. I've had that one happen to me which made me more untrustworthy with people for a while.

These "Open" relationships are just a pretext for people to Sleep around without it being considered "cheeting" on their main partner.I have to say, I personally am very much Against Polygamy(in the legal sense)-which includes BOTH polygyny AND polyandry. I see polyamory as a way to circumvent that lack of legal and social recognition of polygamy. The REAL purpose of polyamory is for a woman to have multiple boyfriends. I consider such behaviour to be INCREDIBLY self-indulgent. If that makes me a biggot(like that gay b***h Max_The_Bear from AFF would say) than so f*cking be it.

Just chiming in here- take a search for 'polyamory' on the forums.

If this person is 'polyamorous' - then it's likely, if they're actually poly, then there's no reason whatsoever to think that they're "shopping around" or "not looking for permanence." I'm poly - and my relationships are serious, committed, and long-term.

Granted, some people call themselves polyamoroyus when they're not. Just talk, ask. It's quite possible for a monogamous person to enter into a poly relationship and adapt. I know - I was monogamous until 2006. I'm 27 now, and polyamorous - and I've never been happier. It's probably worth a shot, at least to see.

For a good site, google search for "polyamory faq two girlfriends" (it's a humorous title for the site - first result is a very good resource.

Re: the previous post, .this is the post. Just a little side note - I feel about as warm-and-fuzzy inside when people say things like

as you might imagine I'd feel hearing people saying that about gay marriage. I don't think it's unfortunate that people are living and loving how they choose.

It's unfortunate if people are dishonest, or pushy, but that's unfortunate in any context.

Polyamory- when done correctly, as in any relationship, is capable of being respectful to all individuals.

Being upset that a person is poly, so they're 'unavailable' to a monogamous person is similar to being upset that a person is gay and so unavailable to an opposite-gender person, or 'taken' and so unavailable - except that in the case of polyamory - it's actually *more* flexible - a person can choose to change themselves to be able to involve themselves, etc.

Rather judgmental, perhaps? What irked me was the gender bias here - it isn't solely "for women to have multiple boyfriends" as you put it... and what about the lecherous males that I know, whose relationship status does nothing to impede their actions? There isn't even a veil of rationale or understanding about it - it's just abusive, cheating, deceptive, lies. At least polyamory, as I have seen it in others, has a strong tendency towards open disclosure. I can respect something spoken honestly; it is those things hidden that I do not trust. Some people find it a viable relationship option. It isn't for me, but c'est la vie, one man's poison is another's pleasure. Some people look at it as a temporary solution to serial dating in the hopes of finding one person; more seem to be happy with a multitude of relational threads instead of a woven fabric (is how I envision it). In some ways, it makes logical sense - less dependence and involvement makes losing one piece less damaging than in a monogamous relationship. Over-analyzing again, I'm sure... but you're displaying a bit of bias and invective here. The vulgarity and insults aren't helpful, either... Hopefully, you're feeling better now.


M.

First, polyamory is about honesty. Second, it is about freedom. Honest + Freedom = The freedom to be honestly monogamous, too. Just explain who you are and how you work. You require monogamy, so you're going to have to not pursue matters with her.

I recently took the poly-plunge...kinda sorta...it's bumpy..I am working on it....it sorta feels like I am having to rewire my brain a bit...having been mostly mongamous for so long...

I feel sorta sheepish for all the hurt and jealousy I have felt in the past towards my "primary" (i guess) boyfriend....but that had mostly to do with the all the lying and sleeping around behind my back...(because he could not be open to me about his feelings for another person)...and my own insecurity....

Ideally pollyamory tries to allow people to feel as they are going to feel and for whom, while hopefully circumventing the deception and ensuing pain and drama....It does have alot to do with honesty....lots(if not most) of people are capable of having feelings for more than one person at the same time....so why not do it openly...

It is a strange feeling being able to tell your signifigant other about your feelings for another person without it meaning the end of the world....At the same time...I am finding it confusing and distracting...my heart and mind feel sorta all distended and out of whack....

road bumps I have come across include....um....some arguements and drama with my primary partner....a certain level of akwardness....I would really like for the two of them to be friends again....and if and when they find other partners, I would really like to be ok with that also..and perhaps be friends with them...if possible....and I surely don't want to lose either of them as friends if at all possible.....so it is taking some adjustment....
I am experiencing alot of unneccesary anxiety and heartache for some reason...

not to menton distraction....

I would also like to mention the times in my past where acceptance of the fact that it is not unnatural to have romantic feelings for than one person might have ummm....circumvented alot of badness..maybe...or at least it makes those times in my past make more sense.

I, being prone to somewhat black-and -white thinking was once of the notion that if i was in a relationship and felt feelings for someone outside that relationship, then that meant that it was necessary for me to end the relationship i was in because otherwise I was sorta being dishonest....there is only one big time where this actually happened, and i lost a really great relationship because of it. Luckily we remained really good friends for years and both found more compatable situations....eventually....ok...maybe it has happend twice.....If I had accepted that my feelings were natural and ok, than i would have not so much felt the need to elimintate the relationships I was in...