Am I ready / mature enough for a relationship?

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There are a few reasons why I ask this question.

1. I don't feel comfortable enough talking about the subject with people.

2. For seemingly no reason, I can either take rejection very well or very poorly, so I'm afraid to ask anyone for fear of the latter response.

3. I wouldn't feel comfortable if my friends know I was in a relationship.

4. I've never actually been in a relationship, or close enough to one.

5. I've read about Aspie "people obsessions", so I'm unsure about whether I have crushes or obsessions.

Analysis?

1. natural

2. I expect rejection. So I take it well. But I also don't try.

3. I don't understand completely. But I do tend to withdraw from
my friends when I start a new relationship. I don't think it's my feelings
about them though.

4.Can't know until you try.

5. crushes, obsessions, love - it's all the same. Just how you want to
define it.

thye answer is probably NO: BUT GET A BIATCH ANYWAY....seriously...

Hi,

Sorry if you have said so before, but on your profile not much info.

Kinda hard to figure anything out without more info.

Ultimately, it is up to you to decide when you are ready for a relationship and what type i.e. just sex, boyfriend/girlfriend (do not know your sex from your profile or avatar), friends with benfits, relationship leading to marriage, one night stands

There are MANY types of relationships.

crazedchef

Hi Again,

Sorry just saw the MALE part.

I honestly thought you were a chick from the little train avatar.

crazedchef

Personally, if you feel any inner doubt, than just wait it off. The only person that can ultimately decide that is you. I guess I'll take a shot at your questions though:

That's not just an Aspie thing. Relationships, most of the time, are really only talked in one-on-one situations with someone they know or trust. If they do talk about it in the open, most of the time it is rude or really uncalled for, and sometimes it can be just to take shots at the person because they are angry at them. There are even some instances where everything coming out of the person's mouth is 100% BS. Like a previous poster said, this is completely natural... and not just for us, but for all Normal and Aspie teens too.



Well, you're ahead of me on this step. I always took it poorly every single time up until very, very recently. The fact that you believe that you are at least capable of taking it well is a good sign. My advice is if a rejection comes into frutation later on in your life, just remember that everyone is rejected once in their lifetime.



Hmmm... this is a tricky one for me. If you are talking about them judging your partner and dissaproving of her, then it's a good possibility that they aren't true friends to begin with anyway. Try not to let them persaude you're romantic decisions. And, honestly, I feel that most people don't care who their friend dates as long as they didn't date them before... and there are even exceptions to that as well. Dating someone they don't like won't change how their friends behave around them as well.



Relationships are a life-draining task, but they are especially difficult on an Aspie. Like I said earlier, don't get yourself tied into before you do some soul searching of your own and decide whether you are truly ready or not. I did not have this advantage when I was younger since I was moderately attractive from age 11 and had girls try to seek me out for a relationship when I wasn't ready. Being attractive can have it's advantages, but it can bring some nightmarish situations to life for an Aspie. It's both a good and a bad thing.



This one I can answer for you: You haven't. You would know if you did, and a fixation on a person Aspie-stlye can be extremely deadly to your self-esteem. I know first hand, as it's happened to me multiple times unfortunately, and I was just able to recently break it. This is the biggest risk when it comes to delving into relationships. A fixation/rejection combination can tear at your heart more than anything you've ever felt in you're life. Just try as hard to not get into this situation, even though it can be inevitable at times. All the threads on this board about people trying to break off of a fixation really are as hard as they seem. It's like a 30-year long chain smoker trying to drop cigarettes in a day.

Last edited by Drakeman on 22 Mar 2007, 10:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Dude. XD

It takes time, especially when you are young Don't worry, it'll come.



Insecurity...something many people feel. Especially us young'uns! It's crushing when you're rejected, especially the first few times.

But keep in mind, being rejected is eliminating the possibility of a sour relationship further down the track with this girl. It's coming across, first and foremost, that no...this isn't going to work. Think of all the money on flowers you'll save, all the slaps across the face and knees in the nuts you won't get, all the insults, and ultimately the emotionally scarring break-up months later that you'll never have to go through



Don't even think about getting a relationship until you get over that. Seriously. My guy (I'm NT, he's AS, for the record) seems almost embarrassed about us in public, yet is lovely and affectionate when we're alone. I swear, he is on the verge of being absolutely and GRAPHICALLY molested in public if he doesn't man up and start at least holding my freakin' hand in public. It's just not good enough.

Your friends, if over 15, will be proud of you if you're in a relationship...maybe even jealous. Your girl will be absolutely MORTIFIED if you're not comfortable with anyone other than her knowing...she'll feel like she's not good enough, like you're embarrassed of her.

Save yourself and everyone else the trouble...wait until you're loud and proud to have a girlfriend before you even try!! I can't stress this enough. You WILL have someone go out of their way to humiliate you if you show ANY signs of being embarrassed of having a girlfriend outside utter privacy.



There's a first time for everything



They go hand in hand...a crush is a minor obsession. I can say this as an NT...a crush is a shy infatuation with a certain someone, a mini obsession You'll know if it's a crush or an obsession after you've actually made some proper contact (made a friendship, asked her out, been rejected, going out, etc etc).





Oh, and please...this is the most IMPORTANT one, that EVERYONE leaves out...

Love off the bat = OH DEAR.

Please don't charge into a relationship face-first. Don't ask her out without even getting to know her! You have to have something MORE in common than the fact that you have different genitals and the fact that she's kinda cute. It just doesn't WORK if you have nothing you can talk about. Common interests are the best way to go...tandem interests are good too (eg: my boyfriend is a web coder, I'm a designer, together we can cross over in website design ).

Get to know potentials first...think of making female friends first and foremost, If there's a chance for love there then it'll become apparent quite quickly

I totally get you, especially on number 3. Letting friends, family ... or even strangers know about a relationship I'm in makes me feel awkward in the worst way. It isn't like the girls are ugly, or that I should be ashamed of them for anything. There is just something difficult about it for me.

I wish I could could give you some advice, but all I can say is that you're not alone in this.

Love off the bat = OH DEAR.

I often fall in love before anyone else has a clue. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. But when it does, it's just about perfect.

Well, I have some interesting responses here. I’d like to think that I’m at least somewhat mature. ::)

First, to elaborate more on why I asked this, it was in relation to a discussion recently where people told me I became too emotional in response to a stressful situation and, I think the exact phrase was “You need to grow some skin.”

Well, when I wrote that, I was really thinking about this thread I had posted earlier asking for advice, only to delete it myself a while later, and I felt like this should be a secure place.




It’s just that I’m one of the few (maybe fewer) people in my group of friends who has never been in a relationship, and one of my friends really views me as a misanthrope, and makes fun of me if I ever let any kind of emotion slip (he’s my “cynic friend" – we only really relate in our general disdain for most of humanity, although he tends to hate people to a greater degree than I). With my other friend, it just feels awkward if we know about each other’s personal affairs. I could care less if they didn’t approve of my partner (although I suppose at least “Cynic” would, only because it would likely be someone he wouldn’t expect). I’m sixteen, the two friends that I see the most are seventeen.

Also, one reason for my anxiety is that someone I’m interested in right now is a guy (and who knows? maybe more guys in the future). I know this isn’t quite universally accepted, and I don’t think I’d have any more problems having a boyfriend than a girlfriend, but I tried using a note to start kind of a conversation with him (because he seemed friendly and open enough), but I guess he wasn’t interested (which was at least more progress than I've made pursuing any other possible relationships ).
There's also a girl I know who seems like a nice person, but she knows the last guy I mentioned and both of my friends that I see every day (including "Cynic"). Plus, she's afraid of me.

I'm glad to not have any major problems, but that doesn't make it any easier.

Ah, now y'see, that changes a few things Being open to the point of 'get a room!' with a partner of the opposite gender is pretty acceptable in most societies once you're beyond teenhood (that being said my boy and I went for ice cream last night, and a young teenage couple were hard-out snogging in the queue in front of us. He muttered 'I wish they'd get a room' to me; I just glared at him and told him it wasn't bothering me. Unfortunately I think that was a bit subtle for him [typical NT woman here ]...I was bordering on thumping him tbh XD).

But someone of the same gender...that opens a new can of worms. Without people's prejudice, there would be no problem. Bring in prejudice...and you have a new battle on your hands.

This is where you DO sorta need to be more secretive...if you don't want to open the real-life flame wars. It's one of those things you really need to let people slide into realisations over. So that when it comes time to tell people (ie: when you're very serious and being undercover is hindering things, and you think your family and friends ought to know) they pretty much already know anyway, and it's no shock to anyone; just confirmed.

As for embarrassment over relationships etc, as above...honestly, this only applies to young and shy teenagers in the NT world. Relationships are things to be proud of. Why the heck do you think so many of us make out in the most blatant of public places? And why do you think groups of guys talk about how hot their girlfriends are? And why said girlriends talk about how 'big' their boyfriends are together? Relationships, especially nowadays, are something that's VERY MUCH talked about. In fact, even in our office at work, we talk about each other's partners and relationships. The fact that most of us have seen each other's partners helps, but yeah...we'll ask about Elena's Russian man, or what Jess' guy is doing with his WRX, or how my man's going, or when the HELL George is going to marry his girlfriend...

So from sitting on this here fence, I can assure you, the shyness over relationships or uncomfortableness persay is predominantly an early teenage and Aspie thing. Many of us NTs go the OTHER way, and will loudly proclaim (through very public snogging normally, or proudly holding hands, snuggling whilst walking down the street) our love and affection for our partner, and happily talk about them amongst good company.

Part of the reason is that essentially, whilst a partner is so many wonderful things on a physical and intellectual level...on a PRIMEVAL level they are a posession. An object. A pretty bauble...one the owner is proud of, and wants to show off to everyone else. But no one else is allowed to have/touch! That's one of many reasons you take him/her out on dates, out in public, and then go all affectionate...it's an NT non-verbal communication of 'Hey, look what I've got! Pretty, huh? Betcha wish you had this...but they're MINE!! Too good for you, all MINE!'

To somewhat degrade the human condition for a moment, liken it to a car. Think of the mediochre family car or runabout as your friends, family, etc...the ones you always hang out with, the ones that support you, the ones always there for you, and the ones that you'll always be there for in return. Now...let's take something more desirable, something more expensive, sexier...something you REALLY have to work for. Say...the car you see in my avatar A version 6 STi, let's call it...a Subaru monster; AWD, turbocharged, a good 206kW of OMFG 2.0L wowness that takes corners like nothing else and accelarates with such power it knocks the breath out of you. No longer does it take you from the supermarket to home and back, no longer is it just a runabout. We're dealing with something that thrills you, scares you, turns you on, makes you shriek with laughter. This is a car you want to drive all day because it FEELS SO GOOD. It looks so good, sounds fantastic, and more than anything, it's fantastic to drive.

Don't like the Subie? Imagine instead a Mustang, an Evo, a Skyline, a Viper, a Ferrari, a ClubSport...whatever monster car floats your boat.

The runabout, the little corolla, the beaten-up rattle-bucket...you take this to the supermarket and back, but you don't like picking your friends up in it because it smells a little, it rattles, and it has a habit of stalling.

The STi...those sleek lines, that wonderous howl, that breakneck accelaration. Do you want to hide that monster away from the world, so no one can see it? Do you want to keep that Subaru all to yourself, never take it out on cruises, or duck around a corner out of sight if they see you cruising?

No.

You are going to drive that monster straight up the middle of the main street in town at high revs, grinning your face off at the intrigued glances you get as you go. Like holding your gal's hand down the main street, you're going to put a bit more pedal into it as you go, the boxer burble resounding off the city buildings and catching the attention of passer-bys that can't help notice the sexy curves on that creature... both the car and the girl ;D As you pause to kiss her in a line of customers outside a coffee shop in the middle of town; likewise do you rev up to decent RPM then dump the clutch at the lights every so often. Would you do that with your mum's car? probably not. In this flash new thing? Hell yeah. That's what it's THERE FOR.

Some arse leans out his window next to you at the lights when you're in your new monster, and yells out "GET A FORD, DICK!"...much like that guy over there wrinkles his nose at your girl, like 'wtf are you thinking, her arse is huge!'

Your reply: "What, you mean a Fix Or Repair Daily, dumbass?" and drive off.

And then there's all those people that doubted you, thought you'd never get a decent car (or a girlfriend). So whaddya do? You drive past 'em, again most likely in a low (and noisy) gear while they're sitting around outside school waiting for the bus. Or, alternatively, you walk right past them hand-in-hand with your babe. What does that say? Well, pretty much that. "You were saying...?" in reference to any prior comments on your inability to reach said target





There, there's a massive metaphor for you. This is the way a majority of us NTs think, too...as much as we love and treasure and respect someone, an element will ALWAYS be proud posession.

I think I can see what you mean, and possibly agree about that whole public display thing. Still, there are some places where it's acceptable and some where it isn't - some snogging couple in front of me almost ruined my last Film Night at Tanglewood! But I'd still like to probably have more time with this person to myself, just to feel close to someone.

Well, I guess the only thing inhibiting me now is trying to get to know someone well enough to ask them out... It might not be easy because I seem kind of unpredictable with my friends and very introverted when I'm alone.

Ah! The impossible.

Lol. Yeah getting to know someone is a bit of a mish if you're not great making friends. Though, that being said, once you make contact with someone you have a connection with in THAT way...things can happen really freakin' fast.

Btw...wtf was that couple doing sitting in FRONT of you whilst watching a movie?! EVERYONE knows you sit in the BACK ROW if you want to make out... *smacks head against desk repeatedly*

It wasn't a movie, it was John Williams conducting movie music. If it was a movie, then fair enough, I can move around or see it later, but this was my last ever trip to Tanglewood, and I actually had a seat under the roof instead of on the lawn. Of all the places to make out, they had to choose an orchestral concert.

Ah. Yeah that's freakin' weird, a rather imappropriate place if you ask me

Movie, sure...that's why you go to the movies. Orchestral performance? GTFO, lol.