How do you comfort/support your partner?

Post Reply New Topic

Hello.

I have autism and also have a serious problem and I don't know what to do about it.

I live with my neuro-normative who is depressed and self-hating. He often says awful things about himself. When I try to correct him, this happens:

Him: I'm fat and disgusting.
Me: No you're not.
Him: Yes I am.
Me: No, no you're not. We can wear the same clothes.
Him: (goes on and on about how I am wrong and he is, in fact, disgusting)

After a while of this I get frustrated and either stop talking all together or get angry at him, saying that he just wants attention. Hearing him talk like this makes me see him as less of an adult and less attractive altogether.

When he gets silent, I also get silent. I don't know what to do and I wait for him to give me a signal to do or say something. It I try to hug or talk to him, he says "Don't touch me" or just grunts. So I leave him alone. The next day he calls me heartless and uncaring since I didn't try to hug or talk to him enough. WHAT??

He's not the only person who has done exactly this with me. What am I supposed to do? What do normal people do in these situations? Help, I'm really concerned about this.

I'm not really sure, my (NT) husband isn't that needy. (I might be though.)

Have you tried asking him how he would like you to support him emotionally?

Ah, classic.. he wants you to do what he needs, not what he says he wants. ie if you know he needs to be hugged and held, just do that. Chances are he won't oppose it for much more than a moment and will appreciate it.

As for what normal people do in these situations.. well, I'm not exactly normal, but he'd have to be something extra special to not just break up with him and fly solo/seek a different boyfriend. I think the NT response would be: "I didn't sign up for this s**t. Peace out & have a nice life."

Arguing with him over his insecurities will not help. If he isn't getting help from a therapist you should encourage him to do so. Don't try to be his therapist because it will likely be too draining on you. He needs help from someone who is not emotionally invested.

I would offer to help him work on ways to lose weight. Maybe he won't feel as bad if he's taking steps to improve himself.

I think even an adept NT would struggle with this one.

I agree that you should ask him how he'd like to be supported. But NOT when he's really down. When he's in a better mood. Say something like I really want to support you - but I don't know how to do it the best way.

But it's really hard to emotionally support someone who's depressed, but it's good you want to try. If someone is criticising you for doing X and then criticising you for not doing X - then that's super tricky and not functional behaviour.

On the other hand, with my AS partner, he often misses or doesn't react or reacts badly what I think would be really obvious cues to my emotional distress. So he may feel that you're missing a window when he needs emotional support and then he gets further distressed and angry because you're appearing 'heartless' (and this is what it often feels like to an NT partner, I'm not saying that's what you feel like on the inside.)

Maybe instead of talking about problems, try to make sure he feels accepted the way he is.

Thank you everyone so so so much.

I've been trying to find help with my problems all my life and you guys are the first people to actually address the problem and talk about it in a "let's solve this stuff" manner.

Everyone else I've talked to only walks to bring up personal storeis that don't help me at all, like they are waiting for an excuse to talk about themselves.

You guys are the first ones to actually listen and answer. You've helped me out wonderfully and I'll keep coming back.

Thank you.

He is engaging in self abuse and wants you to participate with him. When he does this I would ignore him. Don't agree or disagree because it's not about his attractiveness, it's about him hurting himself. He should be embarrassed that he tries to drag you into it. And I agree that he needs professional help. Negative self talk is very damaging.
And with regard to the hug me don't hug me nonsense, again just ignore the behaviour. For example: I am sorry you feel this way. Perhaps next time you can be more clear about your needs.
He's obviously struggling, but the coping strategies he's using are destructive.

I have been on both sides of this and have found that, for me, what works best is for the Helper to have so-called Active Listening Skills.