Dating someone more shy than myself, and not an autistic?

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So, I don't start topics often, let alone ask to strangers over the internet for help, but, it's 3am on my day off work and I haven't much else to do.

I had been dating this girl for a good 3 months, and I'm upset.. not because it ended, but because it ended very, very badly. And I don't know why it ended so badly, so, I'm trying to find some answers. We had known each other for a good year, but just as two mutual randomers who talk to each other every now and then up skiing, nothing much more.

We started dating on the new year and just hung out and talked for the first two dates. She was always tired, and for the most part it was just skiing and talking, couldn't buy her a drink or anything to eat (i did ask). I didn't know what to think about her, I thought she was cool. I remember when I first met her I was lucky to get even as much as a hug from her. It took until the 3rd date to get even as much as a real hug from her.. Personally, I'm a bit shy, of course. I'm autistic, what do you expect? Now, if that were me. I'm a guy, going out on a date, I don't want to eat or drink anything, she'd disregard my existance surely. And, it was known it was a date from the start. But.. to not even want to hug someone is way out of the realms of shyness. It was just awkward, partial hands only/no arms hugs and like why are we doing this this is awkward kind of hugs, or, me putting one arm around her and her standing still. Very odd.

Things were going okay then.. we'd text every now and then. She'd only respond to a message every 20 minutes, or later, though.. we never once just sat down and talked to each other. We never once talked on the phone.. at all. Not even in the later stages, we just didn't do it. I made it known I wanted to talk more. there was a day where I texted her, she replied once, then "lost her phone" lol? Then two later dates got cancelled because she was sick, and I guess she was genuinely sick, but I didn't see her for 2 weeks and we only talked every 2-3 days, not for long, with a few texts.

So after date 3 I figured okay she's opening up a bit, so, we hold hands at the theater, woo, cool. I try flirting with her in text, I got maybe one or two good responses to it, but one night she just pulled the I'm tired card and went to bed. It never really picked up even though I really wanetd it to. Wasn't sure if she was into me at that point. We go out again, and I go in to kiss her.. so, this is where it ALL went bad. Mind you, we kissed and it was nice, but, uh, turns out she had never done it before. I'm fine with that but I was suprised, she's 21 years old and really not that bad looking or weird at all, really? I didn't know what to think. Either way we still kissed.

After that we didn't talk for 2-3 days. We went out again the next weekend skiing (her choice) I didn't know how to handle this date. The first thing that happens.. she complains about being tired. Takes a nap in her car for an hour before we go. (she just got off work, didn't care) She got up, still complaining of being tired. She's a coffee addict, I offer to get her coffee, nope. So, we go skiing with a bunch of people.. had fun, went off some jumps, smashed some cakes, was cool.. but it was so awkward for me. I'd put my arm around her and she'd do nothing, she never wanted to be close, and at one point, she said "man I'm just gonna sleep, wake me up at the top" on the lift.. and I just felt I was boring her. Granted, we weren't bored, we both love skiing, we had good conversations but it felt like two friends going up skiing, not two people who should be falling for each other. At the end, I think, do I kiss her? This was just awkward and I don't think she had fun. I had every reason to think that.. I tried to flirt, I got a "you're so nice" and nothing back. Tried to get close to her and she didn't budge. So, I go in to kiss her at the end, quick 2 second kiss, smile, awkward as f**k, seeya later bye. I felt I could've been more assertive about those things, but everything she did just made me feel like she wasn't into it.

So you know, at this point, I figure she's either super shy or just not into me. So I just brought it up, and asked her how she felt about a relationship. For the most part I think I only did because I was so certain I was going to get shot down, and, in a way, I wanted her to so I could move on. She didn't.. she told me she wanted to hang out with me soon, she wanted one too, and I tried to open up about how I felt, told her how happy she made me.. and she went to bed. -_-;; My fault for not doing so in person, but I only get to see her every 1-2 weeks.. Okay, fine. So, she reacted good to it, told me we should hang out again soon.. this is a few days before valentine's day. I figure perfect, great date for valentine's day. What happens? We plan a date for the 16th, and it fell through. She got "hurt"... a pulled muscle, can't go out. Really, to see a movie, it's so bad? Sitting still, but a pulled muscle holds you back from that? Want to just hang out at your place? Nope. Personally when I like someone as much as I did her I could break my leg and I'd still want to see her. She just, literally, strained a muscle, was back at work the next day. Granted, it wasn't a lie, but still, a terrible excuse.. Either way, we went out again two days later. Had coffee, talked about things, gave her a valentines day gift, she didn't get me anything (didn't care). Go out, see a fun movie, kiss, talk about it, we're together.. but that's it. I tried to get her alone, tried to walk somewhere alone.. didn't happen. Wanted to go somewhere nicer to talk about things, whatever, do it here on the bumper of my truck. Try to get a real kiss, and she stumbles.. twice, lol. It was weird.. she wore the same clothes she always wears when we go out.. and.. in the theater, I could smell her coffee breath lol.. I'd think the most common courtesy thing for a date is to have respectable breath, god knows if I had bad breath I'd get dumped on the spot by any woman, why I put up with it eludes me. Yet, despite all this ridiculousness, she still agreed to a relationship lol..

So after that, I guess we're "together" and nothing changes. She still distances herself emotionally, won't open up. I ask her to hang out on her days off, and she makes terrible excuses to not do so. Doctor's appointment.. well, uh, your doctor appointment is at noon, and I don't wake up until 3pm.. then I ask for saturday, she tells me she's going out with friends bowling. Sunday I ask how that went, she said they cancelled at the last minute. So why didn't she text me to hang out then? -.-

Finally we go out again.. we get coffee, go to the bookstore, fun times. But.. that's it. We talked AGAIN like we're just friends. We talked, briefly, about what we don't like in relationships, and I told her I'm autistic. She opened up slightly about herself but not that much.. I didn't want to go far into detail about what we want from each other, just for the most part we talked about ourselves, like, I'm autistic, what we want from our lives. We walk, talk, play games, it was fun. I got a kiss longer than 1 second this time, but when we hit 2 she suddenly stumbles backwards again.. so it's obvious she still doesn't want to kiss me.

So, another 10 days until we go out again. Not much real texting between then. We went.. 4 days without really talking. We had.. maybe, 12 messages before bed one day, and a smiley face, that was it. We went out skiing again (it's a mutual interest and she's usually the one who wanted to go) I figure okay, I can't ever get her to go out, so I'll take it. I'd love more from a date, I'd love to have a drink, go somewhere nice, and I'm sure she knew it because I consistently bug her to see me more. So again.. she's tired as hell. We don't do anything close. I hold her hand, or put my arm around her and she just sits still. At the end of the date, I kiss her, same sad story. "I'm still sick" from a small cold she had.. jesus lol. Get me sick, I don't care..

By this point, I just figure.. she's shy. This is new to her. She's working 60 hours a week and I shouldn't stress her out and ask for too much. So, I don't. I just keep what we have going and just subtly show her I'm still interested. Sadly, I work 65 hours a week, night shifts with no lunch break, and this is new to me too, so I guess that's a bad excuse lol. I just refused to believe she wasn't into me, because, if you're not into me, why let me hold your hand? Why even let me kiss you? Why even talk to me? Regardless, my birthday is the following week. So we make plans to hang out St. Paddy's day. I figure, that's it, this is the day. I'm going to try to have a great date with her and get her to really open up. We were going to hang out at the waterfront, go to her favorite resturant, get some drinks, then watch a movie at her place. I was gonna try to get a real kiss from her. What happens? Oh, I'm 1 hour late off work. I need to help my brother with homework. I get to her house, it's 10pm.. 4 hours later LOL.. she's tired, suprise! We cuddle, don't kiss, don't get drinks, and she falls asleep. I figure I should just get up and leave. I don't.. tap her, wake her up.. nothing happens. Try to kiss her "oh i wanna see this part of the movie"

We don't talk the rest of the week except she says happy birthday. I ask her how her week went "sry my phone died" after that, I sent her a text while she was asleep, telling her I know she's ignoring me and she needs to either tell me why or break up with me. (nicely) We broke up, simple as that. She told me she's just incapable of feeling anything for anyone, and we could be friends, good friends even. She told me she wanted to like being close, but didn't.

I've thought about it all, I don't feel like I smothered her, I don't feel I did anything unacceptable or awkward. I don't feel like I did too little or too much. I really felt I got it right. We had alot in common, hobbies and intrests, and even those we didn't she was able to get me into some of the shows she watches. And, I'm glad she did because I picked up new obsessions in doctor who, and I don't know how I never watched that show the first 23 years of my life lol. I shouldn't be upset over a woman who clearly never wanted me, but I am. I'm 23 years old, I work 12 hours a night, I have particular interests that I share with very few people, and, uh, I'm autistic. The oppurtunities for me to fall in love just aren't there. But even then, it wasn't that, I'm not desperate. I can flirt with random strangers and get along with anyone, even women clearly out of my league. I really did like her personality. We got along great, we could talk and talk and never, ever argued, but that's the thing.. this talk and talk thing, we could do it, but she didn't want to.

I haven't spoken to her in 3 weeks. I made it clear to her that if she wanted a relationship still when we broke up, I'd be patient with her and try to work with her. I realize, that isn't going to happen. I don't care. I'm not holding out hopes that we'll get back together because I'm fully aware that it won't happen. I tried, even then, once that was established, I told her I'd still like to be friends because we still have alot to work with and we got along great. But, nothing. I just don't get this woman at all. All the body language signals I learn, how to flirt, how to date, how to kiss, what to do on dates.. She takes everything I thought I knew about dating and relationships and tosses it in the garbage, just like she did with me, shoved me aside like a piece of garbage. 21 years old, never dated anyone, never kissed. Huh.

What could she of possibly had to gain from using me like she did? She had to of liked me at some point. If she didn't, why would she let me kiss her or hold her hand? Why would she brag about me and send pictures of me to her friends? Are there legitimately people out there who exist who just don't have any emotional or physical wants? I've known some people for 3 days and gotten further with them emotionally and physically than I did with this woman in 3 months. Should I have done more to tell her what I wanted, been more assertive? She knew well I wanted to spend more time with her - be it talking or hanging out, but she was never receptive. She knew I wanted to kiss her. She knew I wanted to go places with her. I couldn't do much about it because I knew she was busy with work and stress. I fully realize a woman likes a man who can take charge, but I couldn't do it, not because I was afraid to, but because I knew she just wasn't ready for those things. If she just didn't like me, why did she wait so long to figure that out?

I'm not going to reach out to her because it's not worth it. I have nothing to gain from her, she's obviously got what she wanted from me and I obviously don't matter to her. And, what I just typed doesn't eat at me. I don't give a damn if she doesn't like me because I fully realize I sold myself very short and deserve far better than this joke of a relationship in which I got. I just.. need help understanding this situation. It's rather confusing.

I didn't read all of that, but I would think she has an underling medical condition behind her tiredness.

As she is not interested in a romantic relationship, you just have to accept that. It is not always your fault, she sounds complex too, possibly asexual, or just too worn out to invest in a relationship.

If you are not genuinely interested in being friends with no pretensions, move on. Don't torture yourself. The more you dwell, the unhappier you'll feel, and the more time you will waste.

Wow, sorry to hear all of that. How frustrating. I don't think she used you, I think she cannot handle being in a relationship. In my opinion, the constantly feeling tired may represent a medical disorder, but more likely her wanting to be alone when her stress levels are too high. She obviously has either ASD and/ or serious attachment/ emotional issues. It sounds like she likes the idea of having a boyfriend (sent pictures to her friends), but cannot relax enough. She is unused to being touched and finds it alien. So trying to get physically and emotionally close at the same time may be have been too overwhelming for her. Lots of coffee and adrenalin fuelled activities would hardly calm her and relax her.

I think if you wish to pursue a relationship with this girl, it will be tough tough tough and you may never get adequate reciprocation. the only way would be if she decides to get some help/insight with her socialising skills in order to participate more in a relationship. sometimes though we cannot help the way we are and maybe thats just her, if she is happy with it, let her be, without any resentment as Im sure she meant no harm and probably did like you a lot.

Yes, its like trying to open a bottle of champagne that is sealed shut. Or trying to touch someone and getting tasered every time without them being able to help it. You have helped her immensely I think. For Gods sake, you managed to get her to kiss you! Im sure thats a huge step for her. So you must have made her feel somewhat more comfortable. She is perhaps not ready yet. I think the best you can do is not beat your self up about it and actually know that you accomplished quite a bit. She is not not contacting you because she doesnt like you or doesnt care. Its most likely because she is sorry to say socially inept. If she ever realises this, then she will contact you. Otherwise, move on and I think better not to expect anything from her as I think it will be less painful/confusing/frustrating.

Maybe she simply isn't into physical stuff. Some of us are asexual, you know. I hate being touched by anyone. Just saying.
You can be romantically interested without feeling desire.

I guess it's due to behavior