True Purpose of Dating

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I've noticed something in dating that I never realized in the past, and that I can almost guarantee has been responsible for the vast majority of my dating difficulties. I used to think that the purpose of dating was entirely to get to know the other person, to see if you were both compatible. While that's obviously part of it, I'm starting to think that it's actually a fairly small part of dating. It seems to me that the more important aspect to dating success is knowing how to "advance the physical chemistry" - how/when/where to touch your date, what to say to build sexual tension, when/how to kiss, etc.

Nearly everyone I go out with comments on how much fun they have with me, how much they enjoy my company, and how I seem like an all-around great guy. However, they all still reject me after a few dates, typically with the adage "I've had a wonderful time with you, but I just don't feel enough romantic chemistry". I've been working on this for about a year now, and while I still have immense difficulty with it, I do notice a huge shift in my dates' behavior towards me since I've started trying to work more physical contact into our outings. I think that this might be a reason for a lot of people on this forum having difficulties with dating. I know when I first started out, I never even considered this as a possibility...I thought that all of the rejections were about me as a person, when in reality I think they were more about my difficulties with physical/romantic advancement.

Does anyone else find this to be the case? Does anyone have any suggestions about how to go about improving in this area? And please don't suggest the typical PUA stuff...I get disgusted reading a lot of that material, and it's typically written for a much different audience (people looking for hook-ups rather than serious, long-term relationships).

The main difference between "just friends" and a "romantic partner" boils down to physical attraction and physical contact. So it makes perfect sense that you had this epiphany. The secret in being successful is confidence. Confidence, of course, is hard to achieve if people keep rejecting you. Confidence is also the key to many other social interactions so if there's some way you can study how to act confident, that will be helpful.

I'm not sure I can offer much advice that I haven't already given in the past, but yes I think I agree with your observation, from the perspective of someone who has relatively little trouble with dating for an aspie, because I am fairly comfortable with the physical aspect of it all. I'm relaxed about it, open to it, etc...but I don't have specific "advice" or "guidelines" really because it's one thing that (gratefully) I find somewhat intuitive.

Something that just popped into my head now (so it may be rubbish!) is this: While you are on a date, and at some point you observe how your interactions are going, ask yourself if it looks the same as it would if you were hanging out with a friend (e.g. level of eye contact, proximity to the other person, amount of touching). If it looks the same, and you are interested in this person romantically, do something more. Add more eye contact or get a bit closer or touch them on the arm at an opportune moment, things like that. Basically if you think "I'm feeling like I want this to be romantic rather than platonic", then make sure it doesn't look platonic. Doesn't have to be anything dramatic, just something. And make sure the next date steps up from the the one before it, too. And so on...

The thing is, I feel like I do act perfectly confident on dates. I've actually asked someone once about this, and they told me that I appeared as confident as could be. The only time I really feel nervous or unsure of myself is when I try to kiss them for the first time, but I'm sure that the majority (or at least a sizable portion) of guys feel somewhat nervous or unsure of themselves at that point, and I don't think that my nervousness is overly-noticeable then.



Thank you for the advice, that's pretty much what I've been trying to do lately. A big issue I have is knowing how much is too much at each stage in dating...I don't want to be that creepy guy whose constantly touching her or constantly telling her how beautiful she is, so I often err for less rather than more. It's tough, because in a way I'm looking for a guide to follow, but every person is different. That also makes advice hard, because sometimes one person will say to do one thing, and another person will be completely turned off by it.

Typically during the first date I won't do much other than a hug at the end. I don't seem to have a problem with first, or even second dates though...almost everyone that I have a decent amount in common with ends up in at least 3-4 dates. On the second, I'll try to throw in a compliment or two on her looks and personality, and briefly touch her arm or back a time or two while we're walking. On the third/fourth date I try to start doing more of the "relationship" contact, such as holding hands, arm around her, kissing at the end (for me, this really depends on whether we have any privacy or not). These are the things that I find the hardest to initiate the first time, since they're the ones I'm the least sure of how she'll respond. And beyond initiating them, I never know how long to do it for either. Like, if we're holding hands...if it's a long date we're obviously not going to do it the whole time, but how much is enough? Is 10 minutes on a quiet walk fine, if we don't have that much contact in other parts of the date? Or is it better to do something throughout the whole thing? And does the progression above sound like a typical way of doing things? I know that most people probably kiss sooner than that, but I don't know if I'd be terribly comfortable with that.

I see dating as a way of getting to know a guy and determining if there's sexual chemistry. The latter isn't manufactured... it just kinda is or isn't there.

You may not be doing anything wrong, just haven't met the right girl yet.

You might be right. On the other hand, some people can't wait around very long for it to surface properly. When I was younger I used to date guys in a more "impatient" way. If there wasn't mutual chemistry happening right from the start then I'd be unlikely to give it another go. I still sort of trust that, but I also have gotten to know AS since then, and understand that if I'm dating people with aspie tendencies, I might have to wait a bit for them to relax more and behave more intuitively. I'm not sure that many women have come to this realisation, so they might think that the way you are on the first few dates is close to how you would be in a relationship, but it might not be.

I'd be interested in others' feedback on this, because my opinion here is probably quite unusual but I'm not sure. I've highlighted things that I'd actually be more likely to do / want to receive AFTER kissing (or even after having sex). They are quite intimate and for me are generally reserved for someone I intend to keep seeing. If it has only been a few dates, and we haven't had sex yet so it's more a "traditional" type pace, then I will probably feel a bit uncomfortable doing "coupley" type things if we aren't a couple.

I have no idea if anyone would agree with me there.


Again, I'd only hold hands if it was already a relationship or close to it. So there would be no guidelines, it would just be when I or they felt like it. Doing it early on does make it seem like something that needs to be thought out more, and I wouldn't really know what would be appropriate.

I'd kiss pretty early on, that's the greatest way to break the ice IMO. The other stuff becomes easier after that, as it is established that "hey, we both dig each other, so what I do from here is what I feel like doing, rather than following some guidelines to impress you".


P.S. I'm female, bi, and Australian. Some or all of those may make some difference.

Stargazer, women within the same culture are almost clones.

X will behave like Y, Y like T, T like A....

Did you see my experiments?

No, the more important key is that the girl finds the guy sexy enough: she can imagine would enjoy seeing him naked and having sex with him.
That's why it's good to put a shirtless pic doing some activity like swimming or hiking. It worked for me, at least for short encounters (but now once I turned 33 now even 25-27 yo girls see me too old for short encounter, weird - they are often afraid I might be be married having affair).

Otherwise, it won't work.


Stargazer, I once did a prank for dozens of randomwomen online claiming I am a private stripper for ladies- when they ask me what I work.

You won't believe the responses I got, too bad none were nearby. Ask Bondkatten and trollcatman, I've shown them screenshots.

This is something I've noticed earlier about online dating as well: if things started bit naughty online prior actual date, the date is way more (WAY MORE) likely to advance physically, rather than playing the online gentleman.
And oh, the more they get the impression of you that you have sexual experience and desired byothers, the smoother things progress on the physical side (makes no sense with all this STD but it is what I experienced and observed first hand).

My opinion remains that dating is not for me (nor for many neurodiverse people). First, I do not desire sexual relationships, so the whole touching thing leading to sex is just disgusting. Second, I do not distinguish relationships from friendships based on "physical contact" (suppose that is sex too), rather the difference lies in flirting and having a crush, both easy enough to notice. Third, I do not desire to be verbal with a girl I'm interested in until I've checked her out for a while. Forth, I don't need to check out her interests, political or religious views, neither her taste in music or fashions.

I agree that most relationships don't originate from dating strangers like in the case of dating sites.

Most are built through bond building with someone you already know for a some while.

I find your perspective interesting. For me, I find kissing to be far more intimate that holding hands, and sex is something that I'm not looking for until we're well into an established, long-term relationship. Typically the type of women I date are more conservative (not politically)/religious, so I'm sure that has an impact on their preferences. I'm hoping that this post turns out to be a moot point though - things seem to be going quite well for me now, so I'm cautiously optimistic .

90% of women idolize the naughty and desired man, whether they are conservative or liberal:
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What is PUA?

Pick up artist. It's basically a bunch of tricks that certain people use to try to pick up women. Based on the stuff I've read from those groups, I really don't like it.

Awesome