Dating/Pushing people away

Post Reply New Topic

Why do some AS people push people away when things are going well (dates)? Afraid of commitment?

I don't think that alone was why I pushed people away in the past. I am currently having a disagreement over a key issue in my relationship right now with my girlfriend. That has helped remind me to why I pushed people away in the past. Those reasons are:

-Disagreements- pushing people away over a disagreement seems immature to me, but I have done it. Acknowledgement of differences and agreeing to alternative solutions seems like the smarter thing to do.
-Being rejected- I tell someone I like them, they say "I don't see you that way." That alone didn't cause me to push people away. It was the person trying to give me false hope after rejecting me that got pushed away.
-fear of intimacy- Being to afraid to share secrets or personal information about yourself out of fear of what others could do with it. Someone gets close, I would back off. they want understanding as to why I back off, I pushed away.

I consider commitment and fear of intimacy to be linked together, but one can commit and still have a fear of intimacy. What I mean-- one can commit to terms they agree to. Being intimate is getting close to someone. Many people are more afraid of allowing someone to know their skeletons than they are of making some kind of commitment.

Some get overwhelmed by the emotions & affection.
Some get scared. They may of had bad relationship history or feel like their too flawed for their partner.

In my case: fear of rejection.

I'm afraid to be rejected, so if i'm not 100% sure that we match (which is, basically, never), i'll break contact. the onyl way of not being rejected/dumped/whatever is to beat them to it.
A bad tactic, sure, but there's the reason, in my case

I push the people that I most like away. It must be a fear that something will go wrong in the end. Either they will find someone else and break my heart, or maybe I won't be "enough," or even that we won't end up being compatible. All am beginning to see is that this pattern of mine has self-sabotage written all over it. I've ignored people and occasionally even picked fights, which may sound bizarre but is the truth.

sometimes it's about fear. Fear of failure seems obvious but fear of success is a thing too.

It sounds cliche and trite to say it's all fear of change but in some sense it is.

I often suspect that it's probably better for everyone if i remain single. That's probably about fear.

The one relationship I ever had ended because, well, I got bored of him. It was fun for a few weeks, but after that I was spending all of my time on the computer instead of with him. I lost interest. He eventually broke up with me since I was neglecting our relationship so much.

Since then, I haven't felt the need to be in a relationship with anyone. I prefer to simply be alone.

That's how it is for me.

Seriously though, I just don't believe that anyone really likes me.

And there is anything we could do, as NTs, to persuade reluctant, insecure aspies, who think they don't deserve any kind of love and attention, that our love for them is true and sincere? That our interest is honest and pure? To persuade them they could deserve love and affection like everybody else on this planet?
Any word? Any action?
I'm asking this because I lived a situation like that few years ago and I never understood why I ended up being ignored and silently rejected, when, at first, my aspie friend and I seemed to be so close together. Incredibly close and affectionate. Thinking about the situation and, especially, about how it developed I can conclude that the reasons are few and simple, yet unbelievable: he thought he didn't deserve to be loved, he thought he wasn't able to reciprocate my affection, he was scared of failure. Very likely.
There is anything I could have done or said to make him open up to love, friendship and life?
(please, forgive my mistakes: I'm not a native English speaker! thank you)

Not really sure if there is a way to gain trust from such people. Mostly its them, but you may do better by having a relaxed approach. Really though its like walking on eggshells.

yes, @Vomelche it's exactly like walking on eggshells! And it can be also very frustrating, let alone deeply sad. Anyway, I think you and @em_tsuj are right: there is no way to gain trust from that kind of people, maybe because they are too persuaded not to be worth much, maybe because they are too afraid to change their own perspective on themselves from "loser and loner" individuals to people that can have more than one chance to succeed in life, even in romantic affairs. As someone else said, there could be a strong component of self-sabotage in this behaviour. Although I can understand the dynamics, I'm still disappointed by a behaviour that ends up damaging relationships and friendships that could be greatly functional and healthy for both parties. I only hope that what I wrote could be food for thought for people that withdraw from relationships too early and without any comprehensible reason.