Advice? Exhausted by the blame game for not being NT

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I am new to the site and as I am looking for help with relationship issues I'm having in a long-term relationship (about 7 years). We seem to have fallen into some kind of abyss that may have been a result of a recent cross-country move and then job change to running our own business together (in other words lots of stress).

The thing is - I'm just really exhausted by the accusations of being cold, indifferent, rude, arrogant, self absorbed, unfeeling, and my personal favorite, "batshit crazy" when I am not trying to be any of those things and in fact I am TRYING really hard to show affection, do what is asked of me and make the relationship better. It seems the harder I try - the worse things get between us. At this point we're agreed that the situation is toxic but we're at an impasse as to what to do. He thinks I need anti-depressants and is pretty much insisting I go get them and I know that the only thing I'm depressed about is our failing relationship. I'm happy with all other aspects of my life right now including our new business venture.

I have known on some level for a long time that I was on the spectrum (son diagnosed with Autism many years ago and informal diagnosis from his doctor for me as being AS) but I had been in some sort of denial I guess since up until now it has not really interfered directly with having a reasonably happy life. What to me is just what my personality has always been like turns out to be Aspiegirl symptoms and while I have lots of coping mechanisms and am very high-functioning (career/some friends/seemingly social to casual observers) ultimately when I'm under stress my coping mechanisms fail me and I have melt downs. I've been having more and more lately (thus the "batshit crazy" accusation) and afterwards I feel even more guilty for my AS traits that upset my bf as I can see where he could think I was losing it sometimes when I just can't deal with our arguments and the stress and just need to physically get away mid-sentence (like I need to leave the room right now as if my life depended on it and can't make eye contact with him or stay focused on what he's angry about which of course makes him more angry) or I try to argue with him but become somewhat nonsensical so it seems I'm just lying/making things up to get out of the conversation or to show a lack of caring for what he's saying.

I have told him that I am aware I am difficult if not impossible to love because of my personality (I have been told that before in life and know my personality can be hard to handle for some) and that I believe he deserves a relationship that makes him happy and I'm not certain I can be who he wants me to be. For me that is simply a statement of fact and a logical understanding that sometimes things don't work out between two people even if they both want it to, but to him it is me having no regard for his feelings and someone in dire need of anti-depressants. I am not trying to hurt him - rather I am trying to give him permission to do what is best for him and not worry that he needs to take care of me as if I can't survive on my own (I can though I'd rather be in a relationship with him).

I'm just so tired of being in this place in our relationship and I am starting to doubt that we'll ever get past it. I was really excited when he ordered some books online and did some reading about AS women - but then his conclusion was that I didn't match up with what he read (I read the same books and said wow this is EXACTLY LIKE ME and told him so). He said that given what he's seen from our past (read: my high-functioning coping mechanisms when we weren't under stress) he thinks I'm only barely on the spectrum and I'm using it as an excuse to essentially be mean to him and mistreat him.

When I look back I see our past being centered around mutual outdoors interests many of which were sortof isolated so allowed for lots of time alone and together in silence and reflection (like running where often we might go a long time without talking because we were running). I see all of that outdoor time as having been the perfect coping mechanism for me in a relationship b/c I had my time to be in my own head and he wasn't neglected in the process because talking would ruin the meditation of being out in nature. Fast forward to now and we're in a different locale, we don't have access to a lot of our previous outdoor pursuits and we've been so busy with new business we don't really even run - just the occasional hike. Plus when we moved - I still was working briefly as a teacher before we started our business so I have a new network of intelligent, like-minded friends - but he was home during that time I was teaching so I am effectively his only social outlet. The responsibility I now bear for being his only social outlet is overwhelming for me given that when I get home the first thing I want to do is have my own down time alone (to recover from the demands of a job interacting with people all day) and instead for some time he has expected me to stay "on" so I can fuel his need for social interaction. It is exhausting for me emotionally, causes me to have more frequent melt downs and I believe a major factor in the current state of our relationship.

I'm not sure what advice I'm looking for - maybe just reassurance that I'm not losing it. I'm just tired of it always being MY FAULT that things are not good between us since I'm the AS one and he's the NT. I'm tired of trying to anticipate what quirky or insensitive thing I'm going to do that will hurt his feelings or somehow be the wrong thing to do given the circumstances and further his belief that I'm just egotistical and don't care about him. For example, we went through a recent phase where I just apologized for anything and everything b/c I was trying to give him the response he wanted after he had explained that I don't care about him and never apologize. My over-apologizing came off as insincere and he said it further underscored my lack of caring and also hinted at me thinking he was stupid and easy to manipulate. I am not able to gauge exactly how much I should apologize for - but now that is such a sore spot that there's no coming back from that.

I do care about him but I also care about myself and at some point I need to take care of ME. I want this relationship to last - but at this point it is so unhealthy I have to question if it can be fixed. I have contacted a specialist in treating AS/NT relationships (she was unavailable last week - hoping to connect next week); but she is many hours away from where we currently live. There are no support groups or specialists in our area (many for autistic children - none for adults). He has indicated he would be willing to go to couples therapy but I really believe he thinks it's all on me to get myself medicated so we can be happy again. I am not able to convey to him (or he doesn't believe me) that I am only depressed about our failed relationship - otherwise I have no feelings of chronic depression nor do I feel anxiety about anything in my life except the fact that I feel we're on the verge of a breakup. To me that is not clinical depression or anxiety it is situation-specific and I'm emotionally fine when I'm not at home walking on eggshells around him. Yes there is some stress (mostly financial) about the new business venture - but not enough to need to be medicated. The real stress comes from the inability for me to have my needed down time and then it resulting in constant hurt feelings on both sides.

Has anyone else found themselves in a similar situation? Any advice or please just share a related anecdote to let me know I'm not just losing it and entirely to blame for everything wrong with my relationship because I'm AS and not trying hard enough to make the relationship work.

My reading of the situation is that there is so much going on here that professional intervention could be well advised. That might include both couples counseling, and some individual assessment for yourself that might help with some new coping skills as well as settle the medication questions.

I don't think anti-depressants will fix anything. You're mostly depressed because of the way you're being treated, and no magic pill is going to fix that. I think the bigger problem is his lack of patience and understanding of you. If he was patient and understanding of what you go through, especially meltdowns, it would be ten times easier for you to show affection, a lot easier to communicate with each other. Instead, he chooses to judge you and shame you for it, which is about as counter productive to a healthy relationship as you can get..

With that said, counseling can still help the both of you, and there is counseling/help for other mood/sensory issues associated with AS that you could still benefit from, even if it is some form of an anti-depressant.