How would you handle a partner's outbursts/meltdowns

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My aspie husband is prone to fits of rage when certain things happen. These might be classified as meltdowns and he professes a complete inability to control them. He yells very loudly in a manner that can only be described as a roar and slams his fist into things. This has resulted in damage to furniture and walls not to mention scaring the crap out of our two small dogs.

I accept that he can't control them and have spent a good deal of time trying to soothe him. I also understand that it's part of his being an aspie. The problem is that it is relatively frequent (generally several times a week) and usually caused by the same thing which I have repeatedly asked him to stop doing.

I guess my question is just that.. at what point does it become too much? I feel very exasperated and have given up trying to soothe him since it requires a great deal of effort on my part and only lasts up until he encounters his trigger again. It just seems like a waste of time at this point.

I love my husband very much and on one hand it seems unfair to get upset at him for his difficulties, but on the other hand yelling and breaking things just doesn't seem like something I can (or am willing to, or should have to?) deal with.. at least not this frequently. We don't have alot of money, I can't afford to keep replacing things and repairing walls.

I have trouble finding the line between supportive and a doormat.. and on the opposite end standing up for myself (and my dogs who are innocent in this whole thing and can't understand what is happening) and being unreasonable/unfair.

I like to recieve personal opinions from the people here: Where would YOU draw the line? Is it fair to ask him to refrain from the activity that causes this reaction?

I have kids, so my answer might be different because I think of them above all else.

My husband is definitely NT, I am going to get an evaluation next Monday.

I have meltdowns when things "break." This basically means their state is altered from its original. I've been told this is ridiculous, though it feels normal to me. If something gets a scratch on it, for instance, or if a clean shirt falls to the floor I can completely break down. I am trying hard to control this in front of my children and frequently just leave the room.

I would do anything to stop having meltdowns in front of my children or if they were bothering my husband, especially if there were something I were doing that triggered it that I could stop doing. I personally don't feel like its over the line to ask him to stop doing whatever it is that causes the meltdowns, especially if its straining your relationship.

(Also, when I feel like being violent, I grab a sock and beat a wall with it. It makes a very loud, satisfying noise that calms me down without damaging anything.)

Thanks for your feedback. I think of my dogs as my children, so I don't think your perspective is very different.

I used to have meltdowns, temper tantrums and I became very agitated because of certain things, It really is a matter of self discipline and control, perhaps weightlifting or a physical contact sport would help your husband get rid of any anger? If your husband is full of testosterone, you really won't be able to stop that, the best way thing to do is find a positive outlet for it. You really also need to form coping strategies and different techniques so when it occurs again, you'll have a plan to follow to defuse the situation.

^ Yeah this is one of the things we have talked about. He is a stocky guy and has done lots of weight lifting in the past. He was on an exercise routine until recently.. we need to go get his weights from storage, we didn't have room for them until now. He has also expressed that a punching bag may provide him with a safe outlet so this is another option we have considered.

I am intriqued by your idea of a coping strategy I am just unsure of what such a strategy should consist of.

what are the triggers of his anger, if you don't mind me asking?

Generally any sort of percieved unfairness to himself. These are usually (but not exclusively) encountered in the form of online gaming. I avoided mentioning this because it might make it sound trivial if it's just about a game. But it's not about a game it's about the principles behind it and his sense of justice.

Aspies are known for having a strong sense of the way things "should be" and having meltdowns when things don't go according to plan, like what sogj mentioned. That is the real reason behind his reaction, regardless of the physical manifestation of the trigger.

I've asked him to quit the game that usually induces his meltdowns (actually, I only asked him to quit one portion of it not the whole thing) but it is not the only thing that can cause it, just the most common one.

It doesn't sound trivial. If it were me, and online gaming were an interest I had, and it was messing with my kids or my relationship with my husband, I would make myself stop. I have had to make myself stop doing special interests before because of them (my family), and it's really stressful but its where my priorities lie. I don't feel like that's an unreasonable request.

punching bags have been curiously shown to fuel rage as opposed to quelling it. i think i recently read that in Psychology Today or Scientific American Mind (can't remember which). martial arts may be better as they require channeling the right discipline in a guided environment.

on the subject of his rages... i don't think i could handle that much anger on a regular basis. i think that many people, either NT or aspie, have occasional meltdowns (on a couple of occasions i am embarrassed to say i have called someone a nasty word, for example). but several times a week is a strain. it's not necessarily typically aspie to go into rages to the degree your husband is prone to. some aspies do, some don't; some NTs do, some don't.

either individual or couples therapy may help. if your arguments are reminders are the trigger then perhaps it is an issue of the communication style between you two. or he might want to do some anger management training.

@ sogj It just makes me feel like a bully to ask him to stop something he "enjoys(?)" doing or that is important to him.

He agreed to quit last night after I got extremely upset at him for a new hole in the wall but he has agreed before and eventually started up again. He also agreed to go see a doctor with the possibility of aquiring some sort of medication for his depression - he says he's unable to feel any happiness anymore which is the classic sign of some sort of imbalance. Anyone have any experience with anti-depressants?

Yeah me either. I grew up in a house where my parents were always yelling at eachother and it was such an emotional drain on me that, up until a few years ago, I'd burst into tears anytime anyone barely raised a harsh tone with me. I've become better at handling this but I still find it very, very unpleasant. Especially the frequency (to be fair there was a few weeks in a row past where he was pretty good but it was fairly regular before that and appears to be returning to the bi-weekly frequency and I have no reason to believe it will cease)


No, it has nothing to do with me. I am often in the next room sleeping when he starts yelling.

Last edited by myth on 16 Nov 2011, 11:37 am, edited 1 time in total.

deleted due to advice.

yes i have. they can work, but it depends on many factors as to how effective it will be. it's very hit and miss at first but there are many formulations and types so if a medicine is required he may find one that works through trial and error.


that sounds an awful lot like my upbringing. there was some spousal abuse between my parents too, so i tend to be very jumpy.


omg that must be kind of scary.

is he actually better when he doesn't play that game, or does he find other reasons to get upset? it sounds like there is a part of him that might be using the gaming as a release for the anger and frustration with life in general, though i could be wrong if his anger only comes out as a result of the game. has he been in therapy or seen a psychiatrist recently? he may benefit from anger management training.

No, you're right. There's a large part of him that feels (perhaps rightly) that the "universe" is disproportianately unfair to him. I'll tell you that he probably has the worst "luck" (if such a thing exists) of anyone I've ever met. But I also think to some extent that he sees this unfairness in situations where it doesn't really exist.

Imagine someone who is so preoccupied with morality and fairness that any injustice, however small, is unacceptable. I'm sure you realize that life isn't fair and someone without the capacity to accept that would be in a very difficult position indeed.

It isn't only this game. It just occurs most frequently with this game and it's the only thing he's ever broken things over although the same reaction to unfairness can be evoked with other things.

It is very scary and very upsetting. I've never heard anyone make the noises of pure rage that he does. It's more like the noises that the Hulk makes when he transforms and bursts out of his clothing. But he doesn't think anyone should be upset with him because yelling isn't really hurting anyone. And my being upset at him only adds to his misery. So it is very difficult for me to know what to do.

I'm honestly not sure that therapy would be of any benefit because I don't see him accepting any alternate veiwpoints as having any merit. I think he'd most likely say that his therapist is full of it and just wants him to lie to himself and pretend like these issues of fairness don't exist. *shrug* I guess perhaps I am being a pessimist here. I'd love nothing more than for him to be able to adjust his viewpoint on life and stop letting things bother him so much, I just have a hard time seeing that happening knowing him. I don't know. It's definately something to try. There's other difficulties therein but that's not the subject of this thread so. *shrug*

He's been like this for as long as I've known him (going on 3 years) but he insists he was not like this before. He's been through a lot with the (NT) world misunderstanding him and treating him badly due to their own misconceptions and it's just like he's snapped and no longer has the capacity to deal with it anymore. I suppose that I feel like I might possibly be able to deal with yelling (although I hate it with a passion) but it's the breaking things that pushes me over the edge. That's just inexusable, imo, and I'm tired of having to repair and replace things that we really can't afford to. That's the reason this post happened, because he smashed a hole in the wall of our new apartment last night and I find my patience/understanding being stretched veeerry thin.

this type of behavior is unacceptable. you need to make that clear to him, and he needs to make a consorted effort to change this behavior.

i dont know for sure, but i really dont think throwing these temper tantrums is a normal typical 'aspie' trait. it certainly might happen more frequently in aspies, but i dont think it is tolerable behavior, or something that cannot be changed, if worked at.

i play video games myself. i play them a lot. i understand his desire to play them, and that things are pretty blatantly terrible in video games a lot of the time. im very opinionated, myself, and constantly post on the video games forums suggesting change, and discussing / debating topics with people.

maybe he could debate / talk with people on the games forum to suggest change (if thats whats being 'unfair' or whatever).

what, exactly, about the games actually makes him mad? what game is it that hes playing?

whatever the case, getting mad and upset doesnt help anyone. punching a punching bag is the EXACT OPPOSITE thing he should be doing. you should ABSOLUTELY NOT HIT things to calm yourself down. it does the opposite of what you want it to do. it just fuels your rage and makes you more frustrated / uncontrollable / off-kilter.

exercise, and calming things are what he needs. he has to accept that things are bad in the game, and be able to laugh it off instead of getting pissed.

for example: halo is a first person shooter game. the premesis of the game is pretty straight forward. kill people that try to kill you. there is a massive design flaw in the game, however. in this game you can actually shoot in the most flawless way known to man, and lose to someone who shoots in the worst way possible. you really dont even have to understand anything about games, first person shooters, or anything like that to see how abysmal that sounds. getting killed by this example, when you are the one shooting flawlessly is VERY hard to just 'get over', but you have to. getting mad doesnt change it. it doesnt make you better at the game, it doesnt help you win the game, and it certainly doesnt help you as a person. all it does is negatively effect you, so its pointless, wasted emotion.

because this in-game-mechanic performs (or, doesnt perform, lol) as it does, you have to 'adapt' to this, realize it, accept it, and play the game keeping it in mind. the game plays a lot differently when you work around this in game flaw, but its still possible to get around it.

it sounds like im rambling, but what im getting at is, maybe your husband can figure out what the problem is with his game, then adapt to this by accepting its suboptimal, then try to work around it so he doesnt have to get frustrated / mad about the same problem over and over.

no, it sounds like amazing advice.

a short burst of mace generally shuts a person up