Something that has long confounded me...

Page 1 of 1 [ 14 posts ]

Joined: 14 Jun 2014
Age: 2005
Gender: Male
Posts: 282

13 Sep 2015, 11:26 am

This happens to me very frequently:

So a girl/woman and I have a few conversations over a few days/a couple of weeks and then all of a sudden she ignores me. Why does this happen? What is the girl thinking? What am I supposed do in that situation?

ETA: This is in the real world, not online.

Inle
Raven
Raven

Joined: 16 Aug 2015
Age: 1938
Posts: 102

13 Sep 2015, 11:35 am

Can you give an example? How do the conversations go? What do you talk about?

_________________
http://www.gofundme.com/calaisfund

beakybird
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 25 Dec 2012
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,789
Location: nj

13 Sep 2015, 12:01 pm

Three thoughts without knowing any more specific examples:

1. You're overanalyzing it and it's not happening the way you perceive. Maybe they aren't ignoring you at all, but you are super sensitive to that and expect it to happen. Perhaps after a few days of your feeling this way you begin to give off a more clingy/desperate vibe. This will repel many women.

2. If she's interested in you, perhaps she's frustrated with your lack of being more forward and direct with showing your interest.

3. Or the total opposite, maybe you show too much interest- that you are taking your interactions with her way too seriously way too quick.

I know these are conflicting ideas, but without knowing an example or two this is all I can speculate on for you.

Venger
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 15 Apr 2008
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,519

13 Sep 2015, 12:13 pm

It's cause they think the casual-conversations are "the tip of the iceberg".(NT trait)

Drawyer
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 14 May 2015
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,860
Location: Away

13 Sep 2015, 12:23 pm

It's possible she's been distracted by her own businesses. Life is full of complications.

_________________
"Embrace the glorious mess that you are."

KumquatQueen
Hummingbird

Joined: 12 Sep 2015
Age: 37
Posts: 24

13 Sep 2015, 4:34 pm

Need more information to hazard a guess - how did the convos go? Where were you chatting with the girls? What is your position at work relative to theirs? What time did you have the convos at and were the girls en route someplace? ie if the girl has a staff meeting every Wednesday morning, she doesn't have time for pre-work chit-chat on Wednesdays.

rugulach
Toucan
Toucan

Joined: 14 Jun 2014
Age: 2005
Gender: Male
Posts: 282

14 Sep 2015, 12:41 pm

Venger wrote:

It's cause they think the casual-conversations are "the tip of the iceberg".(NT trait)

Could you explain this a bit more? I don't understand what you mean here.

rugulach
Toucan
Toucan

Joined: 14 Jun 2014
Age: 2005
Gender: Male
Posts: 282

14 Sep 2015, 12:43 pm

This has happened a lot of times over a couple of decades - we are talking school, work, hotels i stayed in, places I used to go to etc etc..

Usually these women were less attractive (in my subjective opinion ) or at best of equal attractiveness to me.

The pattern i can discern in all this is that the conversations were nothing substantial -they ranged from just a hi (over a few days or weeks) to something about the weather or about work or about a place i was visiting etc.. (again, over a few days or weeks). The conversations were polite and I was smiling through them.

It seemed to me that they were interested in me (I can't be sure of this at all , that's why I need you guys' help) and that they thought I could be interested in them.

Is it possible that by suddenly ignoring me, they were trying to gauge my interest?

BoobooBear
Tufted Titmouse

Joined: 14 Sep 2015
Age: 37
Posts: 32

14 Sep 2015, 12:50 pm

rugulach wrote:

Probably not. If they enjoyed chit-chatting with you, they'd likely have continued the casual chit chat with you... or at least an occasional "hey, how is it going?". Casual, non-progressing-to-anything-else-ever-pleasantries, well, that doesn't strike me as conveying "interest" in you (though it could've been -- all goes are different!). However, since they all started completely ignoring you, well, that's a message in and of itself.

If you were interested, why didn't you take the opportunity to chat more with them? Or ask their name and invite them out for a drink?

rugulach
Toucan
Toucan

Joined: 14 Jun 2014
Age: 2005
Gender: Male
Posts: 282

15 Sep 2015, 9:37 pm

BoobooBear wrote:

Yup, the conversations were just casual chit-chat. I thought they could be interested because after they ignore me, I too start ignoring them and half the time, the girls try to smile at me after a while. Anyway, nothing happens and whatever was there between us has already fizzled out long by then.

Quote:

If you were interested, why didn't you take the opportunity to chat more with them? Or ask their name and invite them out for a drink?

Why? Cuz I'm an ASDer and I am completely clueless about these things. I can never bring myself to make a move unless I'm absolutely sure the girl likes me and even then I find it daunting. I'm terrified of committing a social faux pas since perhaps like many other ASDers, I've been through hell for inappropriate social behavior.

BoobooBear
Tufted Titmouse

Joined: 14 Sep 2015
Age: 37
Posts: 32

16 Sep 2015, 7:27 am

rugulach wrote:

BoobooBear wrote:

Quote:

If you were interested, why didn't you take the opportunity to chat more with them? Or ask their name and invite them out for a drink?

1. Occasionally smiling at you is probably an acknowledgement that you exist.

2. There are no guarantees. There's no way to know for sure if a girl likes you. (People marry by swearing to love their spouse forever and the divorce rate is still 50%).

Provided that you accept a "no" graciously, you've got nothing to lose by politely asking a girl out (or for her #).

rugulach
Toucan
Toucan

Joined: 14 Jun 2014
Age: 2005
Gender: Male
Posts: 282

18 Sep 2015, 11:33 am

BoobooBear wrote:

1. Occasionally smiling at you is probably an acknowledgement that you exist.

Is that all it means? Remember, these are females that are not that great looking.

Quote:

2. There are no guarantees. There's no way to know for sure if a girl likes you. (People marry by swearing to love their spouse forever and the divorce rate is still 50%).

Provided that you accept a "no" graciously, you've got nothing to lose by politely asking a girl out (or for her #).

Yeah, I kinda know that in the back of my mind but the tremendous anxiety I feel (an aspie trait) completely overwhelms me.

MissyEE3
Butterfly

Joined: 17 Sep 2015
Age: 35
Posts: 15

18 Sep 2015, 12:27 pm

rugulach wrote:

BoobooBear wrote:

1. Occasionally smiling at you is probably an acknowledgement that you exist.

Is that all it means? Remember, these are females that are not that great looking.

Quote:

Yeah, I kinda know that in the back of my mind but the tremendous anxiety I feel (an aspie trait) completely overwhelms me.

Yes, acknowledgements and nothing more.

Yes, ask. The worst that happens is you get a no. Then you wait to see what happens while feeling like a rejected idiot. The sky doesn't fall, the world continues to spin on its axis and you are still alive. So you have hopefully learned that even if you are rejected you will eventually still be OK.

It might also help to keep in mind that most NTs get rejected a lot too and tha even if you get a girl's number and call to ask her out, there's only a 50% chance she'll say yes. After the first date, there's only a 50% chance both of you will have had enough fun to do it again. You'll be getting to know her as much as she is getting to know you.

rugulach
Toucan
Toucan

Joined: 14 Jun 2014
Age: 2005
Gender: Male
Posts: 282

22 Sep 2015, 10:46 pm

MissyEE3 wrote:

Yes, ask. The worst that happens is you get a no. Then you wait to see what happens while feeling like a rejected idiot. The sky doesn't fall, the world continues to spin on its axis and you are still alive.

I take it you haven't been rejected much?

Page 1 of 1 [ 14 posts ]

Jump to:

Something that has long confounded me... Post Reply New Topic

Something that has long confounded me...