I may be obsessed. Having trouble letting go. Please help

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Warning: This is a long story.

Ok so here are the basics. I'm 19 and I have aspergers, am clinically depressed, and have tourettes syndrome. I live in Texas and when i was about 13 I met a guy via YouTube named Lucas who lives in North Carolina. Needless to say I fell head over heels for the guy. We had a relationship for 6 years, each year he never came down here like he promised. He hardly ever texted me, and was hardly ever there when I needed him the most. But I will say I am kind of clingy, I'm not sure why I have always been dependent on people. Anyways over the six years I became increasingly lonely, depressed, and paranoid. Because of this I did terrible things. Before I tell you what please note that I know I went down the wrong road. Because of my loneliness I cheated on him with another guy, and talked to various people online. He found out, but seemed forgiving enough. At this time I knew our relationship was unstable but I couldn't quit him even if I wanted to. Even though our relationship caused me so much misery (and I'm sure it wasn't good on his end either) I couldn't let him go. In fact, I intended on marrying him at one point.

Then I met a guy named Alex. He was a friend of mine from Georgia and comforted me whenever I was sad about Lucas. We came to each other for support and eventually we fell in love. At this time I was cutting myself because I felt like a total whore. I was in complete misery. With encouragement from my friends and Alex, I eventually chose Alex and finally broke it off with Lucas. I cried for days. A month later Alex came to Texas. He missed his bus back home and chose to live with me. He thought I was still in love with Lucas (which I was) so later he pushed me away and left. Lucas agreed to take me back but then Alex informed me that Lucas was flirting with him behind my back. Alex later called me crying, and I took him back. He returned and we've been happy ever since, but I always had thoughts of Lucas in the back of my mind. I figured it was just normal, post break up letting go trouble. Then came two days ago.

Two days ago I was waiting for Alex to send me a battle request on a Pokemon battle simulator called Pokemon Showdown. I saw a request and accepted, not noticing Lucas's username. Once I realized I started shaking, but went on with the battle. Afterwards we talked and I realized after all the pain and suffering, I was still in love. He told me he still cared and asked that if he came down and proved himself, would I take him back. I told him yes. Then Alex saw the messages and walked off. I typed "Alex just saw, I think he hates me now." To which he replied, "Good. Guess what? I hate you too. Have a nice life. Whore." When I saw this I threw the laptop screaming. Alex came in and saw me trying to kill myself. He calmed me down and said he knew I loved him and that he wasn't gonna leave and we would get through this together. I should be happy right? I got closure and realized I had the right guy all along, problem solved right? No...I still cant let him go. I still want to pursue Lucas, whether to tell him off or beg for forgiveness, I don't know. His words still ring in my head and I randomly break out crying. I know I made some bad choices but I am legitimately trying to fix my life. What is wrong with me. I've already talked to my mom about therapy. I need some advice. Please help me...

just give it time,
I have had obsessions but they are always an illusion.
Notice how you get obsessed with someone who isn't physically present?
Its an illusion.

Was one of your parents distant or not there?

My dad was very distant which I think is the cause of my issues and possibly my bad decisions.
After some time the obsesion will disappear,
it may take 2 years or more so be prepared for that.

From your post, a couple things are sticking out in my mind:

#1--Somehow (probably through unhealthy cultural ideals) you've gotten this idea that it's immoral to have feelings for more than one person. It's not; in fact, it's natural and you'd have to be pretty emotionally stunted to suddenly stop loving the first person as soon as you developed feelings for the second person. If these guys you're involved with subscribe to this idea and are treating you badly because of it, you need to ditch them both; they're bad for you.

#2--From your description of your behavior, it looks like you're just not emotionally mature enough to be dating and definitely shouldn't have been dating when you were thirteen. This culture forces dating down our throats at a young age but in reality a lot of us, especially Autistic people, mature at different rates; while you may have been ahead of your peers in some areas, you are probably behind them in the social/interpersonal/emotional spheres. It's okay; Autistic brains generally take longer to develop. This can cause problems for us because our bodies will be giving us the hormones that make us want things our brains aren't ready for, and almost all of our peers are ahead of us in this respect and are expecting us to be at the same level as them. But you don't have to have everything figured out right now; you can date when YOU'RE ready.
This clinginess you talk about is a sign that you're not. You may WANT to find more relationships, but being perfectly happy on your own without "a relationship" (aside from having feelings for specific people who you'd pursue but would still be happy without) is a requirement for being READY for a relationship. And if you're not happy while you're single, you definitely won't be happy while you're dating.

#3--This relationship issue has taken up way too much of your emotional and mental energy/space if you were trying to kill yourself over it. These guys are treating you like s**t...ditch them both, and cut off all contact with them. This is toxic--do NOT beg Lucas for forgiveness, because the things he's been saying to you are obviously manipulative. A lot of times, Autistic people are "targeted" by people with disorders that make them prone to manipulation (like Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or sociopathy). The s**t he's said to you, and the emotional effects it's having on you, are huge red flags that he is manipulating you--do NOT let him keep doing that! The fact that he kept saying he'd go visit you and didn't, the verbal abuse he targeted you with...all are disgusting and you need to get away from him as fast as possible.
Cut off all contact and remember--he is NOT entitled to an explanation. Don't feel like you have to explain yourself...change your usernames. Do everything you can to keep him from talking to you, and if he does try to contact you, do NOT respond. This guy is dangerous and could really hurt you--I mean, he already has, but he can do so much worse. He is ruining you and you will never be emotionally happy until you get rid of him. It'll suck for a while, but eventually you'll learn to let him go. I've learned this lesson the hard way.

I've already cut off contact with Lucas. Alex has been a huge part of my healing process so far. Always comforting me and there for me. Im realizing he's twice the man Lucas is. And the advice from ya'lls replies are really helping. I'm not completely out of the woods yet but at least I have you guys and a hand to hold

I'm going to keep this reply simple and short:

You NEVER had a relationship with Lucas. It's all in your imagination. You never met the guy in person, he's been stringing you along on youtube or whatever. Lucas IS NOT REAL.

I don't mean to come across as insensitive, btw, and I understand you've been hurting over this. I understand your obsession. But internet relationships are not relationships. This guy didn't come down to meet you like he said he would because he's going out with someone else closer to his home. He has no interest in meeting you. He's just playing some fantasy game. If there is no f2f physical contact, it's not a "real" relationship.

You're not the only one to struggle with this, either. When I was away working on my master's degree, I promised my then-gf we'd stay together through the whole thing. What happened? We cheated on each other. Heck, I had an ongoing relationship with a girl there that I wasn't very forthcoming about until a year after I graduated. You think she was very happy with me about that?

But what made us special is that we'd had a long history BEFORE I went away to study. I eventually did go back home, broke up with my girl-on-the-side (she was a smart girl…I'm pretty sure she pieced together what was going on long before it came to that), married her, and made some beautiful babies. If we hadn't had an ACTUAL relationship prior to all this and hadn't grown to be best friends, it wouldn't have worked out.

You shouldn't feel bad for cheating on this guy, either… Remember, you never really had a relationship to begin with, so you've done nothing wrong.

Go in peace.

Update

It still hurts. Every time me and my boyfriend get intimate I keep hearing Lucas's voice in my head calling me a whore and I have to fight the urge to cry. I want him out of my head. I want him out of my nightmares. If somebody wants to talk to me please do. I need help. I need a friend....

Update.

All is well now. Besides the occasional bad memory, Lucas is out of my mind and out of my life. Alex and I are happy and are getting married in 4 months. Thank you all for your advice and encouraging words. I've repeated some of y'alls advice in my head often. Thank you all