Trying to deal with no contact with ex

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Ah, to try to condense this all down because I've been all over the place looking for advice...

First, my details: Awaiting assessment for Aspergers, C-PTSD caused at first by violent BPD mother, abandonment and separation anxiety, plus general depression and other anxiety issues. 25 genderqueer, assigned female at birth.

Now his: Depression, anxiety usually in regards to psoriasis, many weird behaviours which I will put down to C-PTSD caused by a violent probable NPD father.

Relationship details: Knew each other as acquaintances for years, got a little closer for a few months, got together, he dumped me the day before the first anniversary.


Okay so, he never expressed what he needed help with or wanted me to try harder with. No emotional dialogue from him in general. I only realised the probability of AS about three months before the break up which I would have thought was long enough for somebody to comprehend why I was having issues with communication and slow uptake in the cognitive empathy department.

Crappy stuff happens over a period of two days, he tells me he has some trauma but he doesn't ever plan on telling me about it, and I can't understand. I spend some time asking people online and unfortunately vocalising the thought of whether it would be fair for either of us to be in a relationship with fundamental differences in the opinion of the sharing information on vastly impacting events. I was more concerned that he would continue to blurt out snippets while drunk and I wasn't sure if I could trust myself not to ask further questions than usual now I knew that something was hidden. The next day I understood but it was too late.

I had a C-PTSD triggered reaction which was loud, angry, tearful, bizarre. I had refused to leave the house unless they phoned the police or the hospital, but then I came out of the uncontrolled actions to find that I couldn't physically move. Crumpled in on myself and shutdown mostly. When he finally got me out of the flat along with my carer, he said we'd talk in a few days.

That didn't happen and life stressors kept piling on. There was so much happening before and so much more now 25 days later that I won't list it.

It's such a short time scale. I feel ridiculous for being frantic.

He is not acting in the way I would if I had told somebody I still cared for them and wanted to be friends eventually (a month or two was mentioned to my carer). Since I've been going through extreme distress from all that life is doing, almost being sectioned/committed to hospital, considering taking a "vacation" at the crisis centre, dermotilliomania deciding my foot would be a good target, and having to suppress harmful stims, I thought he would say a few sentences of support then hide again. No.

I also would have thought if you are asked a couple of clear questions and yet are also told you can say that you are not able to answer, you would at least do the latter. No.

So I made a video. I stated fairly all the issues he avoids while admitting to mine and even pointing out when they were in tandem. It's stuff his friends have been wanting to say to him for years as they have been trying to get him to seek help. Although I did it because I want him to realise all this, it was also supposed to give me self-made closure: I told him that I could not be friends if he was unable to see himself or try to get therapy like he promised in the relationship. I said I understood if he never spoke to me again.


My flatmate sent the video to him in the morning with a request that he get in touch once he'd viewed it. Silly though, as the point was to know that he planned to watch it. FB told my flatmate the message had been received in the morning but by night there was no answer.

I gave in to the C-PTSD and sent him a text on a free sms site asking whether he would watch it. He said he would do so when he was ready and, though he couldn't put a time scale on it, he would try the next day.


Sorry that the lead up was long and probably confusing.

The issue at hand: I'm trying to get my brain to accept that other people deal with break ups in different ways. NTs have been pouring that one on me in various manners ranging from understanding to "stop being an idiot". Obviously this is something I need to find a way to myself. It would be of use to know which direction to head in though...

As well as that, I'm currently experiencing the relaxing of a severe panic attack due to taking more than my usual amount of diazepam. The panic was because I had come up with a brilliant plan of action simply assume that he will not even speak for a year or two. With such a lengthy time span, I would have to accept it sooner and could be pleasantly surprised. If not, oh well, I might feel better by then. Unfortunately this apparently terrified me?

Apart from the communication issues and squabbles, I thought this was true love. It felt like he understood and was actually the strongest advocate of my point of view on whether I am an aspie or not. I'm more occult than atheist and we bonded spiritually too. I've never had such a powerful connection before and no person has hurt me as badly as this than the first person I fell in love with (unrequited, sex for a while, then friends, then they kept using me for sex now and then).


Why is it that I can't accept he isn't talking and why can't I accept the time scale? Yes, I'm agoraphobic with no friends I feel fully able to open up to like I would with him. Still, logically I know that he can't be the only one out there who might affect me positively like he did. I also know he said he needs space and that he's been avoiding/ignoring the one or two simple questions before the video. I know the video likely alienated him, though will hopefully encourage and help him in therapy.

C-PTSD is screaming in my head to contact him, contact him, contact him. I know I can't, that it wouldn't help, and that it would be disrespectful. So it changes its tune and says I should tell somebody who will speak to him that I am panicking. I tell it know, that has the same issue and it has only been a few days since the video send.

Before the diazepam really began to kick it, I wanted to start self-violently stimming which would mean I'd suppress that and wind up falling into the dermatilliomania. That would upset my burnt out carer. So I can't do that. Other stims like rocking and particular handfuls of songs on repeat feel... like they are locked away. The positive ones. Something negative inside doesn't want to let me do it the majority of the time.


I can't make the sensible answers stick and I can't help the anger and frustration at times due to him not acting in the manner I think is fair. Then I tell myself off for having such vain and heartless thoughts. I might be terrible with controlling emotions, understanding my own, picking up on others' at all times, but I like to think of myself as compassionate.


There's no other thing to do than to deal with the pain, is there? Or is there some acceptable way to somehow have him know how much I am in distress. If he actually watches that video, I think I mention it, though I tried to focus on what I felt he needed to consider in order for his life to become easier.


As I've been writing, the diazepam has been kicking in and now I think it's at the point of plateau. I'm not sure I am feeling any longer. I managed to write about how I have been feeling but it all looks childish and stupid and I'm probably just BPD. My psychologist and psychiatrist felt that my inquiry about AS was valid after looking at all the info I gave them and have referred me for adult diagnostic but still, this is all irrational.

I know aspies are more likely to have stronger emotions and can act irrationally due to that. Yet telling myself that rarely works. It feels like my head and heart belong to separate and opposing people. The heart's an idiot.


So this probably only serves as a rant as I doubt it makes enough sense to be advised on. Actually, there's probably nothing to say. I'm not sure. I hope somebody can surprise me.

I feel I should apologise for being so melodramatic.

no contact is not a good sign

I agree but all the neurotypical people around me keep saying that even though it isn't comfortable, I can't know there's a problem yet and he might simply need space. It feels like nobody takes me seriously when I tell them that I think you tell somebody that in an understandable way before going silent.

My one diagnosed Aspie friend has had issues in the past with a person who stalked and figuratively suffocated her. As such our communication has switched between understanding and the obvious negative memories of that. She stays well away from those she splits up with for quite some time. I seem to remember her saying that she can't even warn them. My ex does not have any ASD indications or any of her other diagnoses except depression, which I also have, so I'm failing to understand.

So many people are expecting me to simply accept it and get on with other things, however I need it to make sense.

It sounds like it's over & you should accept that & leave him alone

Fair enough with leaving him alone but how do I accept it? Is there a button I can press?

time. I stll miss the women I knew in the past. I still love them. but I don't try to contact them anymore and am able to live life without them except for few occasions where it comes upt.

It's scary how fixated I still am. Right now I feel nuts. I don't want to feel like this because I don't want to try to contact.

Everyone handles break-ups in their own way. For society to expect you to forget about it and move on is selfish, when someone acts and claims like they love you and abandons you 100% in your worst moment, it's not as if you can just flip a switch and forget about it.

While it isn't fair and it hurts like hell, the only thing that helps is time. You'll just grow to accept that he's moved on.. it sucks, I wish I could offer more, but it's the truth. Pursuing him is a waste of time because he knows how you feel and why you feel that way, but chooses not to act on it. It's up to him to contact you if he desires, and the odds are he won't.

Yes, time is the only solution, unless you want to go the hate route, which I suppose you don't want to because he did it like society expects him. Still, we should use the "I hate your guts" solution a lot more often because it hurts us less and wastes less time for us.

While I can manage the "hate your guts" I can only do that when they have clearly done that to me. It's easier to mimic somebody's nonsense. If they actually were harmful then I won't like them but otherwise, that holds true.

For this, I have no idea what it means, though I received a message about the video today.

I don't know whether to be amused or not but he said:

Since I never claimed it would be and I'm pretty certain I explain in the video that it might sound harsh but I mean it to help, I am left to wonder about this one. Did he watch it all or get irritated and turned it off? I think all but I don't know.

As well as that, there are a couple of passive-aggressive seeming sentences in his very short reply which I believe elude to the idea that... well, I think that he assumes I was trying to hurt him.

Finally there is a bit which I think is the suggestion that I should know better than to bring up a rumour I heard:



I won't go into it but the timing and such of the event would have been ridiculously coincidental. My first thought was simply, "People easily drop something that has a huge likelihood simply because the person wouldn't do it?"

Yeah, there's been a time when I have done that but the reason was that I knew I would have also have been a target of this other rumour about the other person, along with a few other targets, and nothing had ever happened. The likelihood, in my mind, had dropped.

For this one about my ex, anybody knowing him would 50/50 the chances even while knowing it isn't a usual action.

Anyway, I realised a bit after going through it that he might have expected me to never consider it. Kind of silly. It was a while ago and he could have mellowed, he wasn't open with me much in our relationship, and I haven't had the same scenario with him. Considering I find it hard to understand people at the best of times, something he knows, it's silly to assume that I could tell.

Disclaimer: I'm not immune to being silly.

That's true. I'm like that too. However, with minimal contact, it is possible to interpret everything he/she does in either a very negative way (you want to hate him), or in an overly positive way (you want to keep the attachment). Even the fact that there is no contact could be used to build-up hate (but not to keep the attachment, because then a different tactic is needed).

Just use your imagination, it can do wonders in both directions.

Well, I think I'm leaning to negative now that he actually responded to the video. Even though I also mention the issues I'm having like my carer's plan to move out, anxiety over social worker assessment as well as the ASD one, the dermotilliomania, and extra life problems which have sparked up, he says nothing about that.

Just "That wasn't nice, have you talked enough to have closure for yourself, and I didn't do that minor rumour you heard" all in the space of two short paragraphs. Now, I'm emotionally naive and such but even to me that doesn't sound like the response of somebody who actually gave much of a hoot about another in the first place.

He won't simply come out and tell me there's no hope or leave me alone or I was never interested. Because I was taught to be fairly paranoid, I'm beginning to wonder if he gets a kick out of it.

I don't like to think that way without solid enough reasoning. It seems unfair and is irrational. At this point though, maybe the reasons don't matter. How he is acting should be more important. This is not respect. I shouldn't let somebody who does not respect me upset me.

Behavior is communication. Cutting off all contact with you is his way of saying it's over. Forever. He doesn't owe you an explanation and driving yourself literally crazy because you think you're entitled to one that probably won't ever arrive hurts only YOU.

Update: Sorry folks, as frustrating as it is, behaviours aren't always saying what they seem to be.


Case in point: I decided I should call him and ask him to tell me to go away if that's what he wished. My flatmate let me use his mobile for this. I gave my ex a text first to let him know it was me and promptly received an "Okay, call me,".

When I got on the phone I was all ready to lay it out and get told to stay away. I was a bit chicken though and said to put it in response to a reddit message (preferably letting me know why), saying that I would get off the phone now. To try to cut down on excess writing, I'll paraphrase part of the conversation:


Him: "Wait! I can tell you now if you want."

Me (scared): "Okay, go ahead."

Him: "I don't hate you or want you to go away. I've been spending this time confused over my actions when we were dating and during the break up, that's all. I meant to tell [insert flatmate's name] to pass on a message but I forgot while we talked. I realised that I should have let you know that I couldn't reply in full to the video and it would have to wait until after the busy weekend. I've wanted to say a little something but right now it's hard. I can't get the words down properly and I don't want you to misunderstand, so I get anxious."

Me (switching from angry to sympathetic shakes me up a little): "I wasn't sure what to think and I got frightened. I'm sorry about [insert various parts of attempted communication] because I know now that they sounded weird."

Him (sounding very glad to hear me; he had the "tender voice" on): "I understand but I'd really prefer if you called. When I spoke to [flatmate] I wouldn't have been ready for that but now I want you to as it's so much easier to explain what I mean when I get the words wrong."

[I stupidly get emotional because, as I said, swing of emotion and now I had sympathy for his confusion. We both spend some time clarifying what we each meant about certain points and why we'd acted in a certain way. It could have looked comedic to an outside viewer - two communicatively challenged individuals babbling and clearing things up.

Me: "I don't know if you saw the response I put to your last short one. [By this point he explained that what had looked defensive or angry only looked that way because he failed to have a second sentence to explain it. It would be helpful to me if you could read it but it might be a bit much."

Him: "No no, I'll read it, it just might take a bit to respond. He now understands my various issues with time and why I need clear or at least vague time scales I'll answer in two days--I mean within two days.

More chatting over it and such, very calm except for me crying from accumulated stress, hearing his voice, and the switch in emotion. I try to get of the phone because I'm crying and I don't want to do that to him but he winds up keeping me talking. Then a second time I'm more definite and say I really should go because my nose is blocked. We both say goodbye.


***


Obviously that went well and I was relaxed for the next two days. When the time scale was up I wondered whether it would be okay to text. I decided to got with:

Hey, it's Nyx. I think you said within two days but I might have misread. If not, I'll assume that you are having a hard time answering. If that's the case I can phone you tomorrow night and we can talk if you prefer. Bye.

I have an instant message back saying Phone me tomorrow if you can, please. Not sure why but I get worried for people when they say "please" in such a situation because I think it is urgent or they are upset or angry. I think it's because I'm confused as to why they'd say it when I've already made an offer. I think he might have meant "thank you".

Because I'd re-read the particular message in question and saw that some of it could seem cold, I responded that I hoped I hadn't upset him extremely and I felt some of what I had said was insensitive. He said No, nothing like that and it was good night again.


***


While I'm not sure what he will want to speak about, it seems like he doesn't want to mess it up or at least would prefer if we spoke. Prompt replies to texts from me while when it was people sort of acting like mediators, he would ignore them. I had thought it would be kinder and compassionate if it was a neutral and well-meaning friend he could trust instead of myself as I figured I'd upset him. There were not many communications like that (qualified by a few NTs) but the first two were directly after and were apparently understandable, though structured in an odd way because of how I... do it, I suppose.

For me, I wouldn't have panicked so much if I had been told at the beginning why he couldn't talk. I didn't understand why he didn't tell my flatmate that but, as you can see, it seems like he meant to. Maybe he forgot during the conversation because that can happen, maybe he was stoned at the time (probable) and that made it slip his mind, or maybe he didn't know what to say.

Whatever it is, it's clear that he feels anxious about online communication about this and possibly didn't realise I was distressed or at least to the degree I was. A whole bunch of his friends and one ex told me he was engaging in avoidance like he always does. However, when I said some (no names) had said this, he asked if any one of them had been witnessing him over the last few weeks. I didn't think they had. He assured me he wasn't avoiding, simply trying hard to put thoughts into order.


***


Plan for this phone call later today/tonight: Let him get out what he needs to, explain any points I was unclear on, listen to how he's feeling. If he sounds stable, I will ask if I can talk a bit about some feelings I've been having which are positive but I'd rather him be more level before doing that. If so, blah blah blah. If not, he will have given me a rough estimate of a min and max time scale to further no contact. I will wish him well and tell him that when it is time to talk again, I'll be happy to hear from him.

I need to be very sure to pay attention to words and remember he gets them mixed up, as well as the slighter nuances to his tone. He's particularly difficult in this with the inherent troubles with those (I suppose I have them too, just for another reason). Something I hadn't realised before Aspergers became a possibility: I have to shut up for a few moments and go over what I'm saying or it is more likely to come out awkward or in the wrong way. I'll let him know there will be moments of thought because that's not how I communicated before - I did the immediate response like others around me.

Can't wait for my assessment and hopefully a diagnosis. I need to learn social skills.

Anyway, no more worry and no more "dealing with". I know I do it myself but it might not always be the right answer to assume that this = that. Obviously on an internet forum it is harder and I probably didn't give enough details. In this case, no contact did not mean leave me alone for good, it meant my words are wonky and I'm trying to work out why I acted as I had done.

If he needs a lot of space after the call tonight, I won't be upset because I'll know why and either way, I have a character to create for a game which I can finally focus on properly.

ALSO EXTRA CLARIFICATION OR RE-EMPHASIS: I wouldn't have been attempting contact if he hadn't said we would be friends after an indistinct period of time. The silence without even a brief sentence to say he was confused and couldn't talk was a mixed message in my head. He definitely wants me in his life as an individual but he may need more time. He'll clarify that on the phone, I'll understand, then I'll leave him to it and get on with doing my own thing.

For neurodiverse people, of course not. Most of the relationship behaviors of NTs are things we need to learn, and some have failed to do that, while others don't want to be NT, which ends up with a mixture of responses that is not reliable for making conclusions. The neurodiverse relationship behaviors cannot be used either as some diagnosed Asperger's don't have them, and others might try their best not to express them. About the only reliable indicators are stims, and there are easy-to-decode stims connected to happiness, anxiety and anger, which really is all you need to know. The only problem there is that psychiatry claims that stims are "useless, repetitive movements". Even worse, some people think stims are primary indicators of low-functioning autism (not true of course), so many people have trained hard not to stim in public.