Another "Intro/Looking For" and maybe a "Help"

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Hi whoever read this,

and one day i add, i can only hope - Hewwo, no Hello blondie, Hello Sweetest Jane

Having addressed her now too, I know she will keep me honest, as the expression has it. She has eyes like a falcon called Sybil, and i have never met anyone could read me like she does.

I write this... five minutes after i finished doing what i can do, what i left undone stupidly for so long. First, i copied her profile text and sent it to myself in my gmail. I am such a digital moron that i have given up using any text processor and only write on the sites i frequent, and only save my material in the cloud. I guess i will have to get better at this computing stuff. And many other things, if i ever am to become worthy... (but let's avoid 'literature' for now) - so please read that as a "sigh-to-self". This copying was easier than i thought, and showed me i might yet discover a better way to copy our correspondence on 'that' site... I decided next to be complete now too and also copy and send me the separate Q&A section of her profile... It does to me make such a great part of what she means to me.

I have not told her i did this. It feels like i am transgressing in terms of privacy, not legally - all this stuff is available to anyone and i will assume that i am just a fool for not having done these things before, as any lover would have. I have just always been aware within myself of this, let's call it moral prescript in observing privacy, presumably more acutely so now that it concerns someone very very real to me.
I did allow myself way before to copy her pictures, after Favoriting them to save them into my Favorite Pictures. That site has this functionality, and saving one's truly favourite pictures to send them to one's private mail, in order to have them in one's own computer (system) too, cannot possible considered any serious transgression. Moreover, i had more than valid reason - but i shall keep that for later, as an early part of my story...

Once again, i wake up quite early only suddenly to find myself with "0 Friends" - after sitting up and bending close enough, and deciding wow, i need my gerispecs are the numbers right?? And nope... And it's worse now... the day before yesterday, her birthday even, i found her profile removed, so that explained the 0 Friends, and the now only 12 Flirted With Me. I never did get how i no longer featured on her Hotlisted Me list, so mine had remained stable at another 13.

I was so incredibly taken with having 1 Friends - i love the grammatical clash, and would certainly consider that aspect in deciding i would ever accept another Friend Request. In terms of human relationships, friendship is the best the site has available. Well - there is a "TopFan" option which is quite popular it seems, and amusingly destructive, but as John Lennon knew, one cannot choose one's fans. And all this is also very much about choice.

We met.... end of March, and things have been difficult, after a remarkable start. End of april... well, my birthday could have been better, and i felt bitterly... should have. To me it was a tester. I found myself blocked, and ab-so-lute-ly at the mercy of one not just not talking to me. (There was reason, and there was misunderstanding, and as autism has it as a rule - there was such understandable misunderstanding - even as understanding as i am in these matters of limited self-awareness there was no preventing her misunderstanding, underestimating the effects of autism, especially in matters of lust, love, language (can i find another l-word here? could i add her real name?).)
The block took almost a month...

Maybe this month was the most educational time i have ever spent. It taught me so much about myself - but that is not for now. It's six o'clock, the day is breaking - i woke at 4 am, she is at 4 pm - will there already be more changes. Will she already have replied to now suddenly not having removed her profile, she is still there, but now having removed me from her Friends list. There is one possibility of infinitesimally small chance --- she might just have emptied her Friends list in one move - but why then would she not have explained, announced beforehand, or at least have sent me a Friend Request. So... nah.

After the block and getting together, at least i managed to get the misunderstandings part out of my concerns, so when it happened again (it did, pretty soon after) i felt i could accept. And i have little doubt any of you would agree with me that, well, there are other issues about us, and all in all - it was for the best... not even mine...

But why again did she put in so much effort to get back to me - yes, i always knew her eyes were upon me, even when mine could not reciprocate for blockage. Why go through all that trouble, all that effort... pour moi??? I knew it wasn't over. And i know it isn't over. Even if it is over - it will never be over to me.

I do not seek support - it is not in my style. My posts here are never calls for support, i prefer debate if anything. There is a one-sidedness in telling stories, even if such stories are from reality, and even if while still ongoing. Please, anyone, feel free to comment. I think i have a story to tell, but this is one story i must relate in Openness.

Time for a break, and the work that comes with that... and at least i have done my minimum self-assigned task of the day. I am allowed to sit back, and think, and worry, and get bewildered yet another day... What is happening to me... what is happening with her??? Yes i worry, deeply.

I think you're a smart guy, with lots of knowledge.

If you present one idea at a time, I think you'll achieve more success.

Most people, alas, don't have the patience or the time to read writing which is creatively presented.

much appreciated, kraftie
i appreciated your interest in verticalibrated too, hoping he picks it up

as to style
i believe strongly that fragmentation essentially reflects the, or an, autistic style
i would seek structuring by means of visual aiding and linguistic connectors, at various levels

so i am very much experimenting with this

i would like to achieve an assembled totality, finally as the expression of "self"

final analysis: i believe if seen not from the debilitating, symptomatic point of view of psychiatry, but from the point of view of disabled talent to be nurtured and enabled - autism to me is IPS: Ironic Personality Structure.
And there is one fatal flaw of irony: it is the irony of irony that it is NOT self-sustaining. The fatal flaw defied the (un)conscious aim of autarchical independence...

Thanks anyway, kraftiekortie, feel free, lol

I get what you're saying. I'm a believer in various modes of expression. Have you read much of James Joyce?

In order to get your message across, one has to compromise sometimes.

You get your message across to ME--but other people might not respond properly because they're not patient enough, don't have enough time, etc. There might be a prejudice against "wild" writing amongst people who are overly "logical" in outlook.

One must know one's audience if one really wants to communicate.

But, please...don't stop what you're experimenting with. It got James Joyce to where he is now: a perplexing writing who is, nevertheless, worthy of being studied.

darn mate...

joyce is my disease... i mean really, Finnegan's Wake, the book that cannot be read but aloud, cannot be read without being seen&heard

"my professor" was totally opposed to the program of a writer proudly stating they may understand this in a hundred years, but i think that is not the way to perceive it.

i will actually be writing some on mr. Joyce

i think, the general aim is to reach a few who get at least some of it, and keep returning, and using the option of interfering... - i'd rather they put in some effort - i gave up on the idea of "commercial" writing, well, about two lives ago

Great meeting you, kraftie ;]]

by the way, the news is bad... i find myself blocked once more, and what preceded things... well, i think i will be able better to focus on this here, so sadly...

she has taught me so incredibly much

o well, is not really how i feel but ... oooooh well