Desire to remain single after bad breakup

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Hey.

Most of my adult life I was in a relationship with a NT person let's call them "X".
So X was my everything and I sacrificed a lot of things I wanted to do to be with X.
I decided to end the relationship after 8yrs as I knew it was unhealthy.
So that has me with X from 17-25yrs old.
I'm now 27 and still have no desire to put myself in a situation to have to sacrifice anything.

However, every love story I've read/watched in a movie is about sacrifice.

I do like the idea of love, I just don't like the idea of being vulnerable and changing myself again.

Have you had a similar or even wildly different experience?

I have had experience such as yours, and am now happily single with present intentions to stay that way.

I find that love stories and songs are just that: stories & songs; they are neither documentaries nor providers of competent relationship counseling. Rather, in my view, they largely provide entertainment for those that enjoy having their emotions manipulated into directions that are, for me, questionably helpful. I indulge in them warily.

Do people comment on your single status as if it is a flaw of yours?

No, but at my age society grants me a pass on such expectations; so I am fortunate that way. At 27, I can well imagine getting bothersome comments.

I think they pity me.

That sounds typical. I'm guessing ladies get more of that laid on them than guys do. I wish I had something to share about how to defuse their attitudes, but I was spared most of that.

I have sacrificed a lot in the past to make relationships work. It never did me any good. I think you're making the right decision. I'm not single, but I'm with someone that I feel I don't have to make sacrifices for. I told myself after the last relationship, that I wouldn't make sacrifices for anyone again. At the time, I thought that meant that I'd stay single forever.

I don't think the goal of having a relationship should be of such high importance. Just do what makes you happy. I think you have the right idea.

Relationships should flow naturally and easily. Too many people out there completely compromise themselves, just so they can be with another person, that isn't right for them. In the end, neither side is really happy, and one, or both wind up with a strong desire to "free" themselves, and return back to the person they really are.

While you're single, my advise would be to just go out and do the things that you really love, and make yourself happy again. By doing the things you love, you also increase your chances of finding another person that is more compatible with the real you.

What does pop fiction have to do with real life?



Love doesn't require you to be vulnerable or to have to change yourself, those things are a personal choice.

This is my observation. I can only comment on what I observe of others A lot of this is based on true life.

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Yes it does. You are vulnerable to having your heart broken. And you will also undoubtedly change aspects of yourself to cater for their interests.

I’ve had a similar experience, and have moved in the opposite direction towards not wanting to compromise at all; I imagine that with time that I will take a more balanced view.

The commercial version of love is not realistic. There are human-story factual documentaries which provide a more rounded view of relationships.

I'm in a similar boat. My girlfriend broke up with me a few days ago (amicable at least) and I can't help but feel I just want to be single. I learned a bit about myself through the course of the relationship though. I don't want to have children, I don't want to have a typical "American dream"... I just want to own my own house large enough for two people if I ever have another relationship again, have a vehicle, and eat a lot of tasty food while supporting myself on a job that pays at least 30 or 40k a year without feeling the pressure of needing someone else's love or needing to sacrifice my goals in life again.

Some parts of this may read like a knee jerk reaction and perhaps rightfully so. However, I want to focus on myself and get to where I want to be before I even dream of looking for love again.

I hope this helps,
Fact10

Fiction is fiction. Romantic fiction in particular is generally pretty far from reality.

It's normal, when you have someone you trust and want to be with, to place a high value on the feelings that come with it. It's like a drug, and there's nothing wrong with that.

It's also normal to want your partner to be happy.

As you found in your previous relationship, sometimes the pattern is out of whack. I hate to talk of it in terms of give & take but that's more or less the reality.

About 6 years ago, the best advice i ever gave my younger sister was "Always be sure you aren't feigning a level of commitment that you do not actually feel."

She's married now, for a few years. Her husband is a good guy, too.

You will have to ask yourself if you are capable of being honest with yourself about any relationship you're in. If you can't be honest with yourself, all bets are off.

The rest of it really comes down to communication and mutual honesty. And not being a horrible person - I have to include that because my best friend spent 13 years married to a horrible person. She might have loved him but we're certain she hated him, and still does.

you can't avoid being vulnerable in a serious relationship but you can avoid having a dishonest relationship.

Don't beat yourself up about 2 years. When you hit 11 years like me, worry.

I suspect that it might be best for everyone if i am single. And it sucks.

Two and a half years now i have dated a woman on and off, and last september i got tired of feeling like I'm just some guy who is occasionally allowed to entertain her. I have fun with her but the situation as a whole is more upsetting than anything else.

Maybe right after it sure, but the good times make it worth it. And even today I tell myself I desire to be single and don't want to deal with all the crap again I've had to deal with in the past, I know if the right person came around I'd throw that mentality away pretty quickly.

Thanks all.
It's comforting to know I'm not the only one.