He ended it as he said I'd end up insane due to his autism

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Hi everyone,
I'm hoping some of you can perhaps provide some insight, if you don't mind?

I recently met the most wonderful guy. I was pretty much knocked off my feet by him straight away. There was that wonderful "click" and not a day went by where he wasn't calling me or being in my company. However I knew there was something a little different about him, and it all came out at the weekend when he suddenly left a party we were at, where I had unfortunately had to leave him on his own for a while to take photographs. He just disappeared, without talking to me, and text me that it was over and he would get his things from me the next day. I was completely distraught. I was shocked as only a few days before he had told me how much he loves me to bits.

The next day following several texts between each other over this, he told me that he is in fact autistic and had one of his "moments" where he just had to escape this party where he didn't know anyone. I can understand that.

He has now told me that I would not want to be with him as he would drive me insane. He said he gets nightmares and keeps partners awake at night; that he has periods of weeks where he has to just be alone.

He wants for us now to be just platonic friends but I can not do this. I am afraid that I am in love with the guy. He says he wants to be with me but does not know what he wants in life and his head is wierd at the moment. He has said that I would not want to be with "someone like him".

I spent 3 hours on the phone with him tonight "discussing" why I cant just go to being platonic friends with him like this. I love the guy (he said I cant love him yet but I do) and its best for me to just move on and leave it behind, harsh as it is, I have to look after myself and it won't do me any good trying to be friends as I want more.

He said that there is no workaround for the issues that he has. There is nothing that can be done. I suggested sleeping in separate rooms when he was in a nightmare phase all I got was "well thats fun".

I have no idea about autism really as I do not have this but I do know how it is living with a disability as I have my own physical and mental health issues. This person is very, very special to me, but I have to protect my own mental health.... I can't open myself up to being hurt even more by trying to be friends with him and living in hope. I have done this before and more fool me.

I am 46 and he is 42.

Should I just give up and move on?

Thanks everyone,

Shanmoo

I'm rather leaning towards you forgetting this guy as a lover for now. He's been quite honest with you.

Maybe you could become friends--and maybe you and him could help each other. Who knows? Maybe, a few years down the road, something nice might happen.

He sounds stubborn and afraid. His mind is likely already made up about the relationship you two have. That is all I have for you.
For him, However: I wonder if he even understands that whatever issues he has that he must learn to deal with it and move forward. Each relationship he has will continue to be this way for him if he doesn't deal with himself. you can tell them if you want too.

He said he doesn't want to date you. Move on.

I think he got overwhelmed at the party & thinks things like that will continue to happen within your relationship. He took it as a sign that he isn't rite for you & there's not much home of changing his mind. It's best if you move on.

I think it's good he is being honest and thinking of you and I also agree with moving on. He could have had a relationship where he unintentionally hurt his partner and he doesn't want to do it again.

Thanks everyone. I am going to drop his stuff off to him and let it go. I can't do the friends thing, it will be too hard, at least at the moment. I wont be able to move on being best friends as he wants me to be with him.

Realize that he must have tried real hard to be with you. I can almost guess he played a role, kept up his good personality, but got exhausted (physically and mentally) and broke down at this party. Realized he could not keep that posture up forever and would hurt you, no matter how much he had a crush on you at first.

You can tell him you accept that, but if that does not match with his idea of a healthy relationship, he will be stressed out all the time. Although you are at ease and you are happy, he will be constantly in doubt and not feel comfortable, despite the love he receives from you.

Aah, I feel so sorry for you. I have gotten exactly the same replies. 'My head is chaotic right now. It's better to leave me alone tonight.' and 'You only know my good sides. You wouldn't want to be with me.' Yep...

I recognize that, too. But I learnt that there is no chance of negotiating in this. Although he might ever change his mind on this, trying to get him to it in a 1-on-1 conversation is totally out of the question. It goes to fast, he will not alter his conclusions that fast. Not even in an hour or a day. Adaptation of insights is slow in his brain, like the orbit of a planet that revolves around the sun. You see no movement by looking at it, and any disturbance knocks him out of the way and slows him down. If it frustrates you to look at that, consider what future desired changes will bring out. If you want to go on holiday, or you want kids, and he doesn't? When the in-love-phase is over, will you have patience with him? (I know I say I would, unfortunately I'm in the same boat here).

This blunt reaction might be based on the rules he has layed out for a good, healthy relationship. Sleeping apart doesn't fit in that. Not only will he have nightmares, he will also worry about a lot of other things that night, like whether you still love him, or that sleeping apart means you don't, or that you're on the brink of breaking up.

I'm afraid you should move on for now, don't start disliking him. He has been honest to you and may receive the same respect from you. He'll like you for that, and that would be a good start for friendly contact again.

Give it time, just like I have to do, and try to look at him from a distance.

If you want to keep the fire burning a bit, I wouldn't know what to do. I'm trying it myself in a similar situation these days, but I have seriously no clue where it is going. I'm happy for you that your friend has already shown you he loved you. That's something to cherish.