Baffled by Aspie Man

Post Reply New Topic

It is my first time (not sure if dating is the appropriate word) an Aspie and I am confused as all get-out. We met online and live 40 minutes from each other. I typically do not take the initiative with men as I have traditional conservative values. In fact it makes me uncomfortable to initiate and want the man to be the man. While I will try to abbreviate for everyone's sake, I apologize that it is not possible.

He took the initiative to chat online and took time to get to know me in a real way, I knew that he wasn't a worldy guy which is why I liked him. Moving to the phone we had soul-mate type 3 hour non-stop conversations, no shortage of the same interests and values. During almost all of our conversations the aspie traits appear and strikingly apparent (rigid, selfish - or so it appears), no empathy even for serious matters such as a death, inappropriate comments and the list goes on . . . I remained patient, calming, re-assuring, supportive. The concerning part for me is that we are so in-tune with each other that our conversations went to an intimate level quickly and naturally, but in a non-sexual way.This got to be an unhealthy state of affairs for me because we had never met. I told him that I wanted to meet right away for 1/2 hr for coffee, but he wanted to talk on the phone. After months, I reminded him of my need to meet several times, but he didn't make it happen, in fact he cancelled once. ]I asked if he was an introvert like me, he said more so these days. I attempted to ask what was the matter, he said that he had been rejected to many times, he was emotional and it was heartfelt. Originally, I didn't believe him, but now I believe everything he says. [/b]Gave him another shot a couple months later and he forgot, but he apologized and said that he blew it (Yeah right). I said that was it, no more talking on the phone, I was done! He got it into gear and we met for a 3 hour marathon conversation.

- he talks to me like a wife, he's never been married
- he spent a good amount of time making sure that I knew he was a good guy and told me all about himself, wanted to show himself in a good light, make sure that I knew that I could trust him
- he confides deep, personal and emotional things - like we have known each other all our lives
- when we met, he gave me undivided attention and would not let anything or anyone come between our conversation
- when we met his eyes were locked on me. He gave me very deep piercing eye contact for a long extended period of time, I just about melted
- he is always deliberate in his discussions with me as if with intention
- he has confided in me about his life - personal details and emotions
- he talks about the future and seems to have me in it, but never discloses that I am in it
- he seems to always have me in mind for the future, but doesn't directly say it to me
- he indirectly says many things that lead me to believe that he loves me or at least strongly likes me
- he called the following day after the date and we were stepping over each other to thank each other profusely
- many things that he has said/not said/done make it seem as if he is entirely clueless
- when I took interest in his topics of interest - he was shocked and in a very insecure way was trying for re-assurance (this had happened many times)
- he seemed insecure on the phone at first and insecure in many instance, but now he is comfortable
- I told him that he needed to make arrangements for us to meet again . . . he said okay, but then nothing happens
- he continues to be caring, helpful, loving toward me . . always there if I need him via phone or email
- remembers details and follows for important things, but then disappears for over a week
- now he is addressing me by a pet name. when he first did it, I told him what it meant and that only my dad calls me this particular pet name. Now he addresses me by this name every time in email/phone.
- He says a lot of things to me, but indirectly . . . I need someone that is direct
- I pretty much know that I love him, yet we don't spend physical time together. It seems like an emotional affair and if I didn't know that he was an aspie, it would have ended promptly as my needs are not getting met.

Questions:

What should I do? Do I need to initiate another date?
I want to have serious discussions about these things, but not over the phone/email, must be in-person
Is this an aspie way of showing he likes me? He has never said we are exclusive, but I doubt that he has the time to keep up the kind of communication that we have with multiple woman.
This has now been going on for 8 months and we have only met once. It took 6 months to meet the first time, after he was comfortable
I am at the point of wanting to end-this, but I do love him and do not want to do over the phone. What should I do?
Totally confused . . . any information will be appreciate.

This guy is not able to change to meet your expectations and needs, the chances are somewhere between highly unlikely to virtually impossible. So the two options are either, you change your relationship requirements, or, tell him that it's not going to work.

Thank you! I have gotten to the point of what you implied. I would like an opportunity to discuss it with him face to face instead of over the phone. In other words, I would like discussion with him about which has not happened, and my concern is that it won't happen unless I initiate it. Thank you

I am hoping for more responses from people with Asperger's. Is this normal? Is there hope? I have done a good amount of reading about the syndrome. What is the best way to approach an aspie about the topic?

Ok, I'll take a stab. Right now he is getting all he needs from you. He can indulge both his need for companionship and solitude by keeping you at a distance and using a form of communication that he has total control over. He will NOT change this voluntarily. If you feel up to the task, i would actually suggest email due to our poor executive function which makes written words easier to process and it would be better for him because he wouldn't be under pressure to make a quick decision, which most of us do poorly at. Tell him that your needs are not being met with the whole phone thing and your ready for the next step. Do not make it an ultimatum, more of an advisment. And let him take the next step. If he doesn't then thats uour answer.

_________________
ASD, ADHD-PI, PTSD , BI-Polar 2

Quetiapine 300mg Morning
Quetiapine 100mg Night
Depakote 1500mg Night
Sertaline 75mg 2xDaily
Bupropion 100mg 2xDaily
Gabapentin 600mg Morning
Gabapentin 300mg Night

Imagine my therapist's embarrassment when it turned out they really were after me.

Eric . . . Thank you! That is exactly the type of advise that I need and seeking, and you pinpointed it perfectly. I was wondering about how to approach. I know aspie's like email and he is a software architect, but for me, I need to see body language and have a real discussion. He definitively is the one in control of the situation and from what I have read has no idea the hurt and confusion that he is causing. It has really helped to read and understand about Asperger's because otherwise I would be an emotional mess all the time. He acts like a boyfriend, but isn't.

You were very helpful. thank you!

Dantac -

Thank you very much for your wise advise, I need to hear it and appreciate your response to me. I am taking everything that you say to heart. I thought the same exact thing as you, and have seen manipulative people and narcissits in my life and have read about sociopaths. After all of my study about people with Asperger's, one topic of discussion was exactly what you described - symptoms can actually mirror sociopath or narcisistic behavior from what I have read, but their are clear and distinct differences in the intention and heart of the matter. Therefore. from what I have read people with Asperger's can be very misunderstood by the NT world. This particular man is a Christian with morals and family values, he has been very open with me and always answers my questions.

I really want to have a face to face meeting with him to discuss . . . but I just don't want to initiate it. From what I have read from GF and wives of aspies this may be my only route, not pleasant for me. Thank you again.