Depressed Aspie boyfriend--how to help?

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Hi,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over two years. He's a 44-year-old Aspie with a very stressful job, and he's been really depressed about it. I'm 35, F, and probably on the spectrum too (I'm working on getting a diagnosis), and I don't know what to say when he's depressed. It's especially difficult when he is being negative and critical toward me; then I get defensive and hurt and I criticize him back, and we argue. It's been really painful for us and we're talking about breaking up, but neither of us want to. We just want to stop fighting. He's been at his job for almost 15 years and hates change, so getting a new job is out of the question for him.

For example, he'll say he thinks he's going to be get fired, and it doesn't sound correct or logical to me, from what he says about work, but he gets mad if I say that. He doesn't feel supported if I say nothing, though. I feel like everything I do makes it worse. I really do have lots of empathy for him but he thinks I don't care. When I ask him what he wants me to do when he's depressed, he says he doesn't know.

I have Googled "what to do when your partner has depression" and all of the psych websites say things like "Be supportive!" and "Try to get them out of the house!" but I don't know what to say to be supportive, and taking him out seems to give him anxiety, because he has ASD, so that doesn't help.

Do any of you have depression? What do you want people to say or do to help you? I'm looking for very specific words and phrases and actions that I can use to make him feel better. Please and thanks.

If you share similar interests, the best way to support him is to indulge him in HIS interests.

Also: I would try "reality testing." If you think there's no reason why he could get fired, tell him why.

Thanks. Yeah, we share a ton of interests, but the problem is that he doesn't want to do them. He wants to lie on the couch and complain to me and feel sad. I can't get him up off the couch a lot of the time. I'm expected to comfort him, but I don't know how.

And yeah, he gets upset when I say, "Here are the reasons you won't get fired." He doesn't believe me or something. He says I don't know because it's not my job. So that one doesn't work, unfortunately. Thanks, though.

Do you want me to be honest?

The guy is screwing HIMSELF. He's providing double-binds for himself. I don't find this to be your fault at all.

The guy has the world as his oyster, and he's throwing it all away on stupidness! He should come on this Site, and read about all the Aspie/Autistic people who have difficulty finding ANY WORK AT ALL. The man needs to get some perspective. I'd be pissed if I were with a person in that state of mind.

I wish I were there so I could offer better advice. I know I'm not being constructive.

But I've always believed that "reality testing" is the way to go.

Does he see a therapist?

I really do appreciate your replies! And your honesty.

He tried to see two different therapists and didn't like them (to be fair, one said she'd refuse to treat him because he drinks alcohol a few times a week and she considers it "using," and the other tried to put some electrodes on his head and measure his brain waves or something), so he quit. He's very soured on the idea of therapy.

I am starting therapy this weekend, though, with an autism spectrum specialist, hoping to get a diagnosis for myself and also some coping mechanisms for dating a depressed Aspie. Maybe he'll start going too if I have success. I don't know.

He HAS said things to the effect of "I'm lucky I even have a job," but then he's still depressed, so even realizing he's lucky doesn't seem to cure it. I don't really understand it. I agree with you, though, that he's going to be a lot worse off if he drives his girlfriend away and he's just left with his awful job and his depression. He should break up with the job, not the GF! But he's not really able to see things logically, unfortunately.

Being that he has a job, you folks can afford to go out of the house and do stuff--especially stuff pertaining to your "special interests." If you happen to like Star Trek conventions (who cares if that's "nerdy?"), then do it!

For the past few years, I've wanted to be a "Transitions" counselor. That's a person who helps autistic people and others with disabilities to be become independent.

I think he needs somewhat objective to talk to--preferably somebody who doesn't have the moniker "therapist." If he only had a relatively detached friend!

He needs to get out of whatever he is in, somehow. I don't find his state of mind to be conducive to another person's happiness (or his own).

If you don't mind me asking, what does he do for a living?

I would not play devil's advocate, or even come within a country mile of this.

Instead, let him play Ghandhi. And let me explain.

When I was a teenager, my best friend had some issues with his foster dad. And I referred to the dad as "meat on the hoof." And my friend really liked this! It was a vaguely insulting, clever nickname. I got it from the title of a book about University of Texas football. It basically meant nothing. But it was a clever insult, and then he might potentially come back and say, he's not that bad a guy or words to that effect, or basically just a shoulder shrug, but he felt better. And please see how this is a much healthier dynamic than me directly arguing with him.

And I think you could potentially just tell your boyfriend that you would like to try this.

For example, you might play the heavy and the mafia chiefdom, and yes, there has been the occasional female chiefdom over the years. If you feel comfortable with R-rated profanity, you could really, really run down his boss and co-workers and really slam them. He might get a chuckle out of this and feel he's more the moderate.

If it's a work environment where there's various subtle bullying and he's the odd man out, that's damn draining of energy.

Even though he says he hates his job, he has some tie to it since he doesn't want to leave, its a routine. It seems he is not able to manage the stress well, and this is a pretty common thing these days. Either he could to move on from the job, or learn to manage stress through coaching and learn to be assertive.

Perhaps it would help if he saw a general practitioner type doc & asked about medication for depression or stress.