Autistic boyfriend over friendly with other girls

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Hi, I am new to this group and I'm hoping there's some people out there who can help me with my relationship. I have been with my autistic boyfriend for almost 9 months now, we live together and I love him very much. Most of the time our relationship is fantastic but there is one problem we have that keeps coming up. My boyfriend is very social media active and unlike a lot of what I have read he is very sociable on facebook and other apps like snapchat and whatsapp. He is constantly on his phone on these social apps or texting. The problem comes from that fact that he is always talking to other women. Some of these women I have no problem with, they are his friends and were before I met him, I would not ask him to give up friends when he comes into a relationship whether they're male or female. My problem is with these women that he knew along time ago or very briefly and has no real friendship with them. From what I can gather they usually get in touch with him and then he will be constantly talking to them, texting first thing in the morning and all throughout the day. About two months ago I saw some of the messages from a girl and the context was very flirty from both of them, I was hurt and confused and couldn't help confront him. He seemed to not understand why I was hurt and denied he had done anything wrong, he told me they were just friends like he does every time he starts texting a new girl. We kind of got past this but with not a lot of dealing with it. I am still hurt and now I know how he talks to these girls I am very worried. Recently he started talking to a girl he knew briefly a year ago, they were seeing each other but nothing came of it. I tried to explain to him that this girl was probably interested in him and he should tell her he has a girlfriend. He replied he will when it comes up. He continued to message her all the time and not mention me. I thought about ending the relationship because it feels to me he would rather be single. He has told me he loves me but I can't understand why he is constantly talking to other women ALL the time and starting new relationships with them.

This is a long rant but I'm lost and don't know what to do! I don't want to loose him but i feel like I'm being cheated on emotionally and I can't see why he acts this way when he knows how much it hurts me.

Please help!!

Hi Kelie!

I can completely understand your problem. I have been in a relationship with an AS man for a little over a year, and this is a problem we have too. My boyfriend doesn't have as much contacts with other girls as your boyfriend, but the issue has come up as well.

He once helped a female coworker with some problems she had at home, and after that she kept texting him, asking him when I would be out of town and with a lot of 's. Another coworker of his also sent him dubious texts. I saw all of this when I wanted to check the time on his phone and saw those messages in his notifications screen. I was really confused: it just didn't make sense, he was always so loving and loyal. After a few sad days I confronted him about it. He was surprised, he hadn't realised how those texts would sound to me. He honestly didn't intend to flirt with those women.

That is the thing with high functioning autism / aspergers: you don't really see their struggles too often, but one of them is that they can suck at reading between the lines. Your boyfriend's intentions are probably good, but the girl might have another idea. Explain to your boyfriend that as a girl, you can see more clearly what a girl means with certain words. Certainly he'd rather stop messaging random girls than losing you. You just have to tell him that it hurts you and makes you insecure. You're not jealous, you have no problem with him hanging out with his female friends, but this is just a bit weird. It sucks to have these insecure feelings, if he loves you, he'll want to take those away.

Just have an open conversation with him. Tell him how you feel and why. Ask him why these conversations with random girls are so important to him. Try to reach an agreement you're both happy with. I really hope this helps!

Love,

I think I can offer some insight from AS side on this. I'm ASD and my wife is NT. We have known each other since kids. I won't go into the the full story but think of The Notebook except I've got the brain problem.

Anyway, we have had this problem several times. I have never actually cheated on her but she has explained the concept of an emotional affair. While not what I was doing, having that idea to work with in my head helped me see how she was hurt by me talking so much to other women. You may have to explain that idea to your boyfriend as well.

Now there is no way I can say why he is doing what he is doing I can share what I know about myself and some of that might help. I had a horrible relationship with my mother so I try to fill that part of my life with having girls/women in my life to take care of me(that pattern started in grade school). When every social encounter has a high likely hood of going bad very quickly over time I just started being very selective of who I would try to talk to. Attractive women are always worth the risk. And not even in a sexual or objectifying way.

I think being on the spectrum gives me an appreciation of symmetry and proportion to a level many NT's are incapable of. I love aesthetically pleasing things. Interacting with an attractive woman on any level is a wonderful and life affirming experience. After learning about the concept of the emotional affair I realized how hurtful it was to my wife that I was seeking that affirmation on any level from someone other than her.

So to bring the ideas together. Explain to them the concept of an emotional affair. Probe into their past a little bit to see if there might be some reason they need extra female attention. And for yourself to work on accept that some AS guys are "adorable so girls want to take care of them and their aloofness reminds girls of their fathers," (paraphrasing Abed from Community) so some skanks might try to steal your man, but you have to trust your boyfriend to keep his loyalty.

Might be polyamory. That's common enough in neurodiversity. Much more common than one might think, I believe.

Maybe he just does not yet understand that he is your personal property - body and soul - and that for him to even think about another woman is a violation of your sovereignty over him.

Make it clear to him that you will no longer tolerate his disrespect, and that if he does not bring his behavior back in line, then the two of you are finished as a couple.

That should get through to him and show him who is in charge!

Would you be happy if your wife were constantly flirting with other men?

Yes, if I knew she was polyamory rather than serial-monogamous, then I'd see no problem with it. I'm polyamory. I can flirt with other girls. It's kind of fun.

It seems that their relationship is not poliamorous.

Yes, but it seems like he is polyamory, and she is not, which is a bad match.

Meh, I see it like you're just trying to pass his bevaviour as ok.
Also being poliamorous means also that you accept your partner to be so, I am not so sure that he'd accept it from her.
Chances are that either he does not understand what he is doing something bad or he is just being a douche.

What the hell is this polyamory crap? If your bf/husband is flirting with other women and you say to him please stop doing that because it hurts me - then he better damn well stop or he's out the door. Simple as that. He should be texting and flirting with his gf throughout the day and not other women. Having Aspergers is no excuse. If he's told that something like this bothers you he can make the decision to stop and stay in the relationship or continue and get out if the relationship. I wouldn't put up with that BS.

At least it is normal if he is polyamory, but he might be a douche too.



Absolutely, but we don't know much about that aspect as the TS didn't tell us about it. That's testable provided the TS is ok with polyamory. If she is not, I can see a lot of problems coming.



I find that rather unlikely. He seems to be rather high-functioning.

Polyamory = the ability to bond with multiple people at the same time. Among other things it means that you will typically not end relationships because you fancy somebody else, rather you'd add them as additional relationships. Thus, for me that is polyamory, being with somebody that is polyamory means I have a low risk of separation.



Yeah, or she is out of the door because she isn't compatible.



Polyamory is not an excuse. It's a brain-wiring.

Most people like to flirt around, it is not an indicator of being polyamory. He could be poly but there's not a high chance of things being so. Perhaps Kelie can tell us more.
Btw I think that there's a higher chance that he is simply being douchy or he just doesn't understand the situation.

Look bub, you using that little green smiley face in your last post and saying "it's fun" tells me that you know exactly what you're doing. I suggest if you want to do this polyamory stuff then wear a sign on your forehead so women know what they're getting themselves into. That goes for anyone else who decides they want this kind of relationship.

Just another reason for me to stay single.

Of course.



Yeah, if you wear a sign "I'm serial-monogamy and like to switch partner once in a while".

But seriously, if both monogamy and polyamory people keep to their partner then there is not much problems involved with any of them. The problems all appear when people stray from that, and they aren't compatible. Provided you can handle a little flirting, which shouldn't be the end of the world.