Relationship Perception

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A couple things: hello. I am an NT woman. I've been reading this site for a couple months now as my brother is an Aspie and I suspect I friend/more than friend? might be and this site is an amazingly helpful tool. I've gone through 86 pages of posts and can't find a more direct answer to my following question so forgive me if this might have been on page 87 or beyond.
Without getting into too much detail (unless posters ask for more): is it possible an Aspie man (or woman for that matter) would, after "hanging out" with a woman for a while, just assume they are in a relationship, and assume that the NT know it as well? When do you feel like you have reached the "in a relationship" status and how do you communicate this, verbally or non-verbally? thanks!

All aspies are different but it is a common trait for us to value honesty, and to find hints hard to pick up.

So if this is a real-life situation you are going through with with an aspie male, then I would recommend being honest with him.

You could try using 'subtle' hints that you two are in a relationship but I honestly doubt it will work.

Just pure honesty. Something along the lines of 'I've had a great time getting to know you these past few months and going out doing things with you. I'd like to know if you'd be interested in taking this further and making it an official relationship.'

It would help telling us how he acts around you now as well. Does he act like you are going on 'date's' with him or is he only treating your meetups as what you might call 'hang-outs'. He might only think this is a friendship you have...soetimes we don't pick up on the signs someone we are seeing frequently is actually 'dating' us and not just 'hanging-out' with us.

This is so cool . . . I had the same question, but you worded it much better than me. - I have two recent posts regarding ie: Do Aspie men Initiate Dating. Everyone was so helpful with their insight and replies/great info. Check it Out.

Thanks Outrider. We've known eachother 8 years, but have only worked/know each other better in the last 7 mos. In that time we've had lunch together in the work day, spend lots of time on bantering email and conversation. I initiate the lunches and convo. He's very honest, tells me all about his family, is very specific with me about what he does down to the time and place, including his vacations. Way back in March, knowing I had an aunt in a state he was visiting, he offered to drive me there in July. We spent a total of 20 hours in the car to and from the state, and honestly we got along seamlessly, like we'd been doing this for years. He was happy, laughing, and smiled more than I'd ever seen him. He also appears to assume that he and I think alike, are on the same wavelength (A side note, I notice the more time he spends with me the more natural he becomes. It was on the trip that many traits emerged which confirmed my aspie theory).
As happy as he seems to be when he's with me, he's never initiated anything (else) and seems to have shied away from going on an actual "date" with me. I've indirectly asked in the past, nudging him to ask me for a drink, for ex. A few days after getting back from the trip, I emailed and outright asked if he wanted to get a drink with me. I wanted to bring the hanging out/date subject with him then. But he said he was too busy with work before his next vacay in a couple weeks (turns out he did stay late and worked weekends) but being a typical woman I took that as a blow off and replied he could simply "say no" (I mean, who can't spare 2 hours in 16 days).
He went on his last vacay 2 weeks ago. I texted him last Monday thinking he was back and asking about lunch. His snarky reply- that every time he thinks I've finally got it, I prove him wrong- caught me off guard and was hurtful. He hastily texted back that he didn't mean to hit send, and that he was gone to the end of the week.
My thought is that he was irritated I didn't know he was still gone (I actually wasn't so well briefed on his schedule this time) as he thinks he probably told me, and that since we seem to be on the same wavelength I should know. Nonetheless, it was hurtful. He's back today but for the moment I have no intention of reaching out and would like to see him initiate a discussion about this.
So, judging by the hesitation to go on an official "date" and the tone of his text, I'm wondering if he just views this as a friendship. but then the openness around me, the desire to spend time with me when I initiate,a nd his seeming perception that we (and he uses "we" when talking about us) think so much alike make me wonder if he thinks we are in a "relationship".

I should add that during the trip I was (respectfully) physical with him, rubbing his back for ex. while he drove, and we did hug when he dropped me off at the end of the trip, even if it did feel like his hug was in exact proportion to mine. All in all he did not pull away from my touch except the one time he jumped when I accidentally touched his knee.

It sounds like he is comfortable with you based on the information that you have given. He might be afraid to take things further. After all, you two work together and I know that I wouldn't be comfortable dating a co-worker. That might be something you both have to tread carefully with.

I can think of two examples I've experienced that kind of fit what you are asking. Both were long distance relationships with girls I met online. Both involved months of talking, getting to know eachother and playing a game together. Both of them told me they couldn't get a feel for how I felt about them.

The first just kind of randomly happened. I was talking to her one day and told her I'd rather be with a girl like her. She then opened up and told me she had had a crush on me for a while. From there we became closer and I assumed we were a couple. A few weeks later she wanted me to clarify if we were going out and I said I thought we were. It's something she would joke about from time to time.

Other example is that I asked a different girl out on a date. Being long distance, that date wasn't going to happen for another two months. She said yes and we started to talk about more personal and intimate matters shortly after. I took that and her agreeing to go out on a date to mean we were a couple. About a month later she asked why I hadn't asked her to be my girlfriend yet, or something like that. I laughed and asked her to be my girlfriend. She said it made her feel better.

In both instances there was an event where someone showed clear interest in being more than friends. And really, both girls made it very obvious they wanted that. I just had some typical aspie issues that made it hard to know for sure or even notice until long after the fact. Especially the first.

@Baffled: I read your story and there are similarities to mine. Many of the responses are helpful.
@Aspimike: luckily we are not in the same company and I right now have the opportunity to go to another position so that he and I will not have to work together. I think I'll move regardless of what he says to what I sent him yesterday, to avoid awkwardness or conflict of interest, depending.
@Astro77: that's very interesting, and very helpful as i think the possibility exists that that is the dynamic here
In an email yesterday, in which I asked him to pls explain his statement about my not getting it, I also included the following (below). I made sure the email was respectful, non demanding or accusatory, and not too emotional.
He has not responded yet, which is fine, as I'd rather he take time to think about what I wrote rather than reply on the fly. what do you all think?

"Second- and I wanted to talk about this in person after the trip- I've had a great time getting to know you these past few months. I like you, and would like us to get to know each other further as more than just friends. As much as I think I’ve learned about you, you tend to be largely unreadable so I have little idea what you feel in this regard. If you do not feel likewise then let us continue to be friends/colleagues, who communicate respectfully and honestly. I really value those aspects of the relationship we do have."

I'm an NT woman; my partner is an AS man. I met my partner working at the same place (grocery store), we started hanging out as friends (when we started hanging out, I was sorta hung up on another guy, but that's a long story - point is, it was definitely as friends, cause he's not the type to even think about stealing another guy's girl). Things changed in both our lives, we started hanging out more, it started getting cold (we hung out at the park mostly), cold meant staying close, and over a long weekend it went from "just friends" to sitting side-by-side holding hands. Then I had to go out of town for about a week for my sister's wedding, and the evening before I left, we kissed. While I was away, we texted, and somehow there was some mention of the term "girlfriend" and he was like "so I don't know if you know but I'd consider you a girlfriend"...then like a month later, when we were very clearly and officially dating, he was like "So...when did we actually start dating?" and we picked a date to call our anniversary. So, in my situation, yes, we went from "hanging out" to "dating" without a "do you want to date?" talk. But...I don't know that this was due to him being AS, or me being NT, just due to us being...well...us. It was unique, but it worked for us, and it was just what happened.

As far as him turning down an invitation to go get a drink, this may have more to due with avoiding noisy and/or social situations rather than avoiding a date. My partner's idea of a good time does *not* involve a bunch of drunk strangers making a rukus with flashing lights. It's more like a quiet day at a deserted park (if the sun's not too bright) if you want to be in public, or even better yet a day at home. So, he would've turned down an invitation to have a drink just cause he didn't want to go to the bar or restaurant...not because he was afraid of a date. Doesn't mean your friend wants to date, but I wouldn't take refusing a drink to mean he doesn't.