Need advice on winning over potential perfect match

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To whomever may be able to give me advice,

I am a college student around the age of 20 afflicted with a dash of high functioning autism, social anxiety and depression. Over these past five years, I had found myself without a mate and afflicted with a thirst for the ambrosia which couldn't be quenched or left alone in the slightest way. In my last year of high school, I gave in and mated with a local female pro quo 1 night stand. The sex was consensual and absolutely superficially disgusting. I became ashamed that I had committed such a sickly slimy act with a woman whom I barely knew and couldn't even bear to be around after the magic struck its fever pitch and bodily fluids were exchanged and then promptly died off. She had a very timid, fearful SJ type personality and wasn't open to the abstract thought windows I like to open up in conversation. I could only relate to her on run-of-the-mill small talk which had to semblance of purpose or meaning to my bored mind yet was the only way to keep her interested without causing confusion when I started acting like what she called a "frickin' genius. After copulation, I felt as if there was nothing left to keep us together and I felt sick to my stomach whenever I was in her presence or thought back to what we did. After this, I did all I could to shy away from my rampaging and roaring ferocious and furious sex drive and let it wreak havoc upon my psyche with its unquenchable thirst for others.

In the years after that hookup, I have taken to venting my sexual energy into writing in lieu of wasting my time trying to enlist other mates to make IT feel good and myself feel miserable. As of now, I am torn between crafting two novellas, have written nearly a dozen short stories (AKA extensive experience reports) and am working on a thesis project in neuroscience along with 15 credit hours in University. I try to fill my free time releasing myself onto my stories and enjoy where the energy takes me.

Alas, the depression and feeling of complete and utter failure in the game of life has been getting to me and i'm coming to realize that I would rather invest my time into long-lasting relationships in which both partners may be able to relate with each other as compatriots, friends, lovers, and partners in living. Unfortunately, the social scene in the world around us is a monkey zoo-there is no telling what others have hidden up their sleeves to show me when I open my heart to them? I have tried, and failed to kick start meaningful connecting conversations with others IRL and thus, have decided that I must make a first impression on potential mates with the power of my written words. I shine in the literary realms and have thus taken to the online dating game.

Recently, I began chatting with a 25 year old female over one such site (which will remain unspecified for reasons of anonymity) and have been getting very excited about this one. She is a graduate student in physics (I am studying Neuroscience at the same university) at my school, a creative candle with a magical twinkle in her bright blue eyes in which I seem to see a reflection of my own panache. Her favorite hobbies, just like mine, include gardening, writing, yoga, and exploring the universe with an open mind and heavenly heart. When I first messaged her, I included a story of mine which caught her gaze and got her interested in conversing with me. It has been nearly a week since we started chatting and I am feeling a stronger and stronger still connection to her-she loves my writings and enjoys chatting about odd, abstract strange and otherworldly ideas which pollute my prefrontal cortex. We have yet to meet IRL, yet the more we chat, the stronger an attraction I feel toward her. Something tells me that this relationship will be the beginning of the path to becoming an Ubermensch, a new grand chapter in my life, the start to a sorely-needed lesson in love.

Alas, the double edged sword of my hyper-analytical head is still bringing me about face to consider all the possibilities of our future-the good and the bad ones. While I already feel a strongly positive vibe from our ongoing correspondence (she is very interested to meet IRL), I cannot but wonder how such an age difference could be of hindrance to romance? We both are very creative by nature, are very involved in our own studies and both are interested in developing long-lasting, meaningful long lasting deep connections with others instead of playing the superficial hook up and detach game of lustful love. Yet I fear that I may come off as immature unsuitable for her IRL (my awkward social graces and inability to read and respond well to body language IRL has been a massive hindrance to communicate with others when I cannot be afforded the safety blanket of a laptop to edit and fine-tune my thoughts before sharing with others). Most of my current friends and correspondents are In their late 20's, 30's, 40's and 50's (I met many of these people through seed sharing and consciousness expansion forums over the years). My best, most trustworthy and true to heart bonafide genuine friend in my home region is currently 33. I only have a handful of friends IRL around my age; I find the rampant levels of youthful hubris, thoughtless pleasure seeking and overall insensitivity to others among youth my age nauseating. I cannot waste my time on senseless small talk; I enjoy constantly talking in abstracts and motifs. I enjoy thinking with portals. I do not have many friends, but the few who I have are more loyal to me than well-fed seeing eye dogs and I wouldn't trade them with the world.

I would like to know how to handle such potential high-risk romantic situations as I fear screwing up my chance at winning the love and friendship of a beautiful wombman who thinks very similarly to myself. I am fearful that my awkward social graces and social anxiety may ward her off as it has so many others in the past. Due to my social phobia of expressing myself freely in high energy environments of restaurants, I also suggested we take some food with us into a local nature preserve and have a chat there. I was raised in an extremely rural environment; I grew up on an island with only two houses and blanketed in mangrove swamps. I have a love for the natural world and expressing myself freely in Mother Nature's domain which will never be matched by overpopulated urban swamps. I was wondering if suggesting such a thing could be construed in a negative or forbodding/sketchy fashion. I find my ability to speak freely better enhanced by being in less populated environments and hope she can understand.

Should I mention my autism to her and my embarrassingly low social IQ before we meet up? I would like this relationship to be based on being honest and truthful to one another and think that it maybe good to mention this to her so she may be more understanding of my quirks and bizarre behaviors when we meet up, or should i mention it to her if the conversation dictates I do? I am also planning on bringing a few of my more exotic plants as well to the first meetup in order to set a good impression and possibly offset my humiliating inability to effectively read and respond to others in real time.

I am excited and scared. Unfathomable fear and endless ecstasy eschew from each and every breath which escapes my chest while I think of her and what may come to be of our future relations. I'm trying to calm myself down and not jump to conclusions as my INTJ mind tends to do (I don't wish to display a threatening sense of deep romantic fixation on her when we first begin to talk IRL as that may put her off.) I am endlessly excited but fear that I may screw it up. I was wondering if the people of this community have any advice for people in such a situation? this is the first time I have attempted to find a SO online by means of my own written wit and fear that I may not be able to ignite the spectacular spark of romance I feel between us as we chat for hours and hours over our glowing computer screens. I would appreciate any and all advice for the online dating scene and how to turn such relations into meaningful loving ones and not just meaningless hookups which serve as a miserable waste of time for both partners. I am wont to experience the love of lovers which extinguishes the love of lust with its golden-clad white warm power of true love and friendship with this wombman who seems to think and write so similarly to I. I pray and hope that this dream is the first to escape my all-too-big-brain and become reality.

Thank you for your time and advice,
-PainfulPleasure

You might want to mention to her that you have Aspergers. But I would tell her after you meet up. Hopefully she cares enough about you that she will be okay with it.

Arrange the meet-up, and be yourself. Just see how it goes.

I have no other words of advice to say, not even the whole 'act normal' advice that most people here would give you.

There is no point in you acting normal, sir.

If you act like a normal N.T. you will just be acting far too different than what you really are, which will make a potential girlfriend think you are a fake and a deceptive liar.

Do not come on too strongly. Don't hyper-analyse everything she says or does. This may not be a perfect match as you have not been speaking to this person for very long. Just remember to go to this meet-up with the mindset that it is simply an opportunity for two people to get to know one another.

You've moving too fast, too quickly if you are already thinking about a future with this person.

Just be happy you have found a kindred spirit, know that she is not the only person like this, and get to know her better to see how things go.

Make sure you meet her IRL before obsessing too much about her and building a too strong attachment. If the IRL meeting goes wrong, you will have huge problems getting over her, and this will be worse the longer you wait. As this seems to be a neurodiverse girl, don't play NT when you meet her, rather be natural.

My advice would be definitely tell her you have aspergers then she can make an informed decision whether or not to be understanding. And if it's 'not' you might as well know now. Also if you talk like you write I would be mindful that some people can find using 10 complicated words when 1 simple one would do a bit annoying. If she is the same maybe that wouldn't be an issue but I would definitely avoid the use of the words 'mate' and 'copulate' when talking about people.

Firstly, regardless of content, that was a well written and enjoyable passage. The alliteration reminds me of something I have previously written along the lines of experiencing exuberant euphoria and exuding ecstatic, existential elation.

But on to your issue... Often said by the older: what is age, but a number? It doesn't matter that you have been alive for different times. How much have you lived? Maybe she has done things you haven't and you done things she's haven't; that is a symptom of being different people.

I would mention ASDs if it comes up (e.g. she calls you weird, but in a good way), or when you consider that it becomes serious. I know how hard controlling obsession can be. If you can tell she thinks you are uninterested, or there are long silences, self-effacingly apologise and tell her you have difficulty with social interaction (and don't call it social intercourse).

Building on what Rabbers said, I have been judged for being overly verbose before. Don't dumb it down, but be mindful that some people take the use of words they don't know as a slight on them.

At least, that's what I'd attempt in your situation.

Much appreciation to all who've responded to my youthful delusions of reproductive grandeur.

I'm confused at this moment as to which of my two heads is more into this wombman I have been chatting with. I enjoy and like talking about our shared passion for creating works of art and love of science, yet at the same time I find it difficult to control my sense of animal magnetism which has chosen her as the center of my love field. Her post on the site we met over said that she wanted a serious, long term heart-to-heart relationship without any superficial hook-up ending; she wanted an intellectual adventure to get to know someone else and I, overcome with self-loathing and loneliness decided to give it a shot. I sent her some stories of mine which were a bit more psychotically obsessed (albeit with different objects and motifs) and she enjoyed reading them (or at least she told me she did...) and they were the reason why she decided to continue communicating with me.

As an INTJ seasoned with autism, I find that any new relevant information coming in from the outside world is almost instantaneously processed through intuitive thinking faculties and tied to a string of other mental constructs for the sake of jumping to new conclusions and new hypotheses to test regarding this knowledge and the higher goals it can obtain. Of course, I also have an unfathomably demanding and all-consuming sex drive (I tend to speak in a matter analogous to how I write but am not nearly as long winded when I have to deal with other presences staring me down completely lost in the word space I've abandoned them in) which seeks to screw each and everything that moves and has an STD-free natural vagina. I am terrified of this sex drive and am scared that it's overwhelmingly intense desire to be fruitful and multiply might make it difficult or awkward to communicate IRL, especially when I have to deal with her body language and presence in real time situations instead of having infinite time to organize a well-written rebuttal.

A problem which has demolished each and every past potential relationship in my life has been this all-consuming sickeningly self-destructive Will to Power. Some have told me to act naturally; if I let nature run her course throughout my mortal coil as she wished, I would without a doubt be shot and killed for expressing this reptilian tucazoid which rests uneasily beneath my skin. I find that when the Will is firmly anchored/attached around an object of desire, I cannot be funny or communicate well at all-I become a robot torn unable to hold conversation as all the hot sweaty possibilities start flushing my face red and maintaining conversation becomes next to impossible. I wish I may be able to control this all-consuming will to power so that I may be able to express myself freely and openly while nothing hot or heavy is in the air and turn it on when the going gets right. Does anyone know how to accomplish this?

At this point, IDK if she is obsessed with me as much. We are both frustrated from years of trying and failing at finding deeper, more meaningful loving relationships and are fed up with the hook up scene in our town. We both seek that love which outshines lust and turns men into supermen through the power of compassionate interpersonal bonding. Alas, she is very perceiving and, like me, has a hard time making up her mind. She is interested in meeting, but that is all I know as far as where we stand on different levels. Conversation is still ongoing, but having an online chat is easy. It's next to impossible to know where an IRL conversation goes or what comes about and how to cope with its challenges as they unexpectedly arise one by one.

I'm trying to reign in my future-oriented scientific self and its terribly tenacious tendency to jump to conclusions at the drop of a dime. I don't know if she herself is jumping to these conclusions as well (most likely not) and I feel as if I am getting further ahead of reality than I would like to be. I'm trying to keep in the present but now, with such cruel conclusions looming over my head like a storm system I'm finding it difficult to see the light of present day and stay the course of coolness. You guys say to act naturally, but that is the hardest, most difficult thing for me to do. ATM i'm debating as to whether or not to carry on this bout of ultra-narcissistic ego-projection onto others or to slither back into my shell and give up the ghost before I awaken it. I want to live. I want to learn. I want to love. Yet I also don't want to waste my precious time screwing up my chances with some one who seems to be a good match for me for the sake of chances. I'm not sure if she will handle it like the typical dating scene (in which case i'm f****d in every sense but the good one), but she said that she wanted me to be honest and be myself and not wear a mask of any kind. She hates superficial two-faced people who compose most of urban society and wants some one who isn't afraid to be themselves in her life. I tend to have a hard time breaking through the ice, but once I'm in, I am extremely loyal to those who let me in their door and never let them go. I want my relationships to be the same way. I want my lover (whomever that may be) to be my best friend as well; I don't want to "love" someone because they open their legs for me. I want to love someone because we share a deeper, more meaningful bond which transcends all physical relations and makes whole the two halves of the human spirit into one unified ubermensch. If I am over-obsessing and over-contemplating this, then oh f*****g well. That's just how I "naturally" think. There's no way around how my mind works. I can pretend to be chill, to be simple minded, to be "cool", to be "social", to be normal, etc etc. but i'm not going to even think of defiling the sanctity of myself in such a pitifully disgraceful manner of self-deception. I am who I am and that's that. I'm not going to cower in fear at what she will think if i'm this or if i'm that. I'm going into this meeting head-on without any reserves. As she requested, i'm going to act how I naturally do and am going to be nothing else but just who exactly what and where I am in life as I know it. I cannot wait to make her acquaintance and pray that she is just as f****d in the head as I am... I'm bringing myself for show and tell to this meetup. If she doesn't like what I am, oh f*****g well-it's better to be honest with others about what i'm bringing to the table than to wait until dinner time comes to show my true colors...

Also, to clarify, she doesn't like playing the dating game either. However, I highly doubt that is code for 'i'm open'. I'm going to be completely honest with her about how I feel about things, masking not a single emotion or deadening a single detail about the mystery of myself. Whether or not she is as obsessed as I am-I do not know. I will try to think with a clearer, more compassionate brain and see where things go. Hopefully I can keep the horny devils at bay long enough to get her to be comfortable enough to have her unleash her own morbid fantasies onto me.

To be frank, i'm afraid of what may happen yet at the same time very excited at the possibilities of having a genuine romantic relationship. I'm scared of screwing it up and am ashamed that I am jumping to such far fetched fantasies so soon in the process. How can I keep my overly ambitious future-focused mind at bay and not scare her off with my high energy nature and naturally overly excited ground state?

She is probably not as obsessed with you as much as you her, right now.
You have got to relax.
Meet her.
I don't suggest a walk in a place that is too private.
One, you are too obsessed with her. I'd be afraid, frankly, as a woman alone with a man so obsessed.
If you don't want to do a restaurant, why don't you have a picnic in a *public* park where there is plenty of space but still lots of people. Then go to a museum or something like that.
The age difference does not matter.
People click or they don't click, and age really has little to do with it.
The only reason why age has anything to do with relationships is because in our current educational system, most people are grouped with age mates during most of their growing-up years and get used to being only with people their own age.

I think it would be good to explain where you are coming from in terms of in-person social interaction. Let her know how to accommodate you to make social interaction easier for both of you.

Do you know how she feels about you sexually? Obviously your ideal partner would be someone with a fairly high libido. Are your conversations sexually charged and have you gotten a sense of your sexual compatibility?

Being too intense at first can scare people away (spoken as someone who is very obsessive and intense). Be honest but be respectful of her boundaries.

And if this relationship doesn't work out, there will be other women. There is no single perfect relationship but dating experience makes us wiser.

Best of luck!