Should I End This Relationship?

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Hi! I am new to this forum and hope that someone can offer me some much needed advice
I am an adult female of 45 years that was diagnosed with asperger syndrome about a year ago. This has helped to explain my life and all of the problems involved. However it has not of course helped to address my many issues.

I have very rigid routines (that unfortunately have been built out of coping mechanisms from past abuse / traumas), which in essence have left me with a very limited existence. I have multiple phobias / anxieties; the hardest to cope with whilst trying to gain a semblance of normality is my social anxiety. Thus I find that my day to day activities mainly happen within my own four walls. I probably leave the house about 2 - 3 times a week, always for the same reasons ie: shopping, catching the train (once a fortnight) and seeing my granddaughter. I only ever go anywhere with one of the three people I trust, and anything I do outside of my house has taken many months / years for me to become comfortable with, even though these activities can still cause multiple anxieties and are surrounded by rigid routines.

As mentioned above I have suffered abuse and traumas throughout my formative years, which was not helped by the fact that I have hyper-empathy, and I still feel that I am embroiled in an abusive relationship right now. I have always been obsessed with having a relationship / boyfriend, and I am very highly sexed (even though I have low self esteem and poor body image). I feel as though I am a very co-dependent person and am always terrified that my 'other half' is going to leave me due to my many inadequacies. It took me 13 years to manage to leave a man that was extremely mentally and physically abusive to me because I was unable to consider a life without him / on my own.

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I have been in my present relationship for 9 and a half years. We live 70 miles apart and see each other at weekends. He comes to my house one weekend, I go to his the other. We met on a social anxiety website and I feel he may also be on the autistic spectrum. However, he has managed to get a very high flying job as a Solutions Architect in IT, he has a beautiful house and a lovely car. Whereas I am in a council house, can't drive and am not working. I also struggle with the idea of making plans. I seem to just drift from day-to-day, unsure and fearful of what, other than my routines, is going to transpire. I panic when my boyfriend insists on making plans for holidays or just something to do that day. He screams and shouts at me all of the time (we speak on the phone every day in the week). Nothing I do is right and he gets verbally abusive, calling me vile names and telling me how ret*d / thick / stupid I am. He frequently tells me he hates me and if I try to retaliate, and interject at all, he stops me and stone walls me if I persist. I'm not allowed an opinion and I'm not allowed to be right. Even when I do things for him such as paint the whole of his 3 storey house, clean his house, iron all of his clothes, build his furniture, he tells me I am rubbish. He hates me talking when we are on the phone, telling me my conversations are pointless and rubbish, therefore he monopolizes the whole phone call. He also accuses me of not listening to everything he says and of having a terrible memory.

Recently he keeps telling me that spending time with me is like 'just waiting to die'. I feel devastated by all of this, and there is a million things I've not mentioned as there is just too much.

As I said earlier I find sex very important, so get anxious when we don't 'do it', even though he is very controlling in this department too (we don't have normal sex).

I have found that the only time he is mellow is when he has had a drink or smoked a little cannabis (I can only cope with his moods when I've smoked a little too). I know this all sounds like a car crash but I don't know what to do.

I am getting help with all of my problems regarding asperger syndrome, but I can't see the wood for the trees. I would really appreciate if anyone can offer me some advice. Thank you so much for readingx

Last edited by melissa70 on 13 Oct 2015, 7:02 am, edited 2 times in total.

I am sorry for the long winded post, but any advice would be gratefully received, even if you think he's the one that would be better off without me. I just can't seem to think for myself regarding this relationship

Drop him like a hot potato.

He's no good for you. He provides you with no motivation.

Please...do try to motivate yourself after you've broken up with him.

Seems like the abuse could become worse over time.

Hi. Thank you for your reply. I am so terrified of leaving him as he is one of the only people I have anything to do with. I see my future without him stretching to infinity like a barren desert. Without him I am worried I will cease to function altogether. That I will become more and more house bound, even though doing things with him is often traumatic, I reason that at least I'm doing 'something' and at least I have a 'partner'. I suppose he has become part of my limited routine.

I struggle with the question of whether it's me and my asperger / other issues that make him treat me this way, and whether the way I am has invited abuse throughout the years. I can't determine if it's always me or if it's often them.

He's just a person who likes to criticize.

The UK is a beautiful country, even in much of London. Do you get anxious when you walk in a park during the daytime?

Not if it is peaceful, and I have my little chihuahua with me. I'm at peace with nature so long as it's not too polluted with other humans.

You should do more of that, then. It tends to be peaceful in parks during the day, especially outside of Central London.

Much better than being verbally abused by some guy, right?

Maybe you'll meet a nice guy in the park.

End it ASAP. None of this stuff is something you should accept.

Seriously, you need to drop this guy right this minute.

NONE of this is healthy, acceptable behavior on his part. None of this is something anyone should put up with.

I get that sex and being part of a relationship is important to you, and you're worried about being alone, but seriously, you would be better off alone than with anyone who treats you like this.

This is appalling. You can't live like this.

It's a good thing that you're not living with him or dependent on him in practical ways. You still have your own place to live and your own life, even if it is less than he has, still you are independent and the only loss to your life would be the sex and the (abusive) interactions.

But wouldn't you rather have peace, quiet, nobody hurting your feelings, nobody troubling you and nobody putting you down, even if it means you don't have a relationship for a while?

Never trade your peace in life just for a sex life or a connection to somebody. In my own relationship history I've found that I'd rather be alone than with someone who is a horrible experience to me. It just makes sense.

I'm a software dude and I can paint my own damn house. I can build cooler cars no less. On top of all that I was a scout, not some seething dungeons & dragons zealot, so manners seem worthwhile to me. Want to see where you really stand? See if all that hot air works anywhere but in the tech industry, I'm pretty doubtful a 'solutions architecht' could so much as orchestrate their own oil change. People rise to the level of their own incompetence, this dude is king of the poseurs. Some people in tech take their anxiety out on everyone else, I've seen it a lot, this is not a symptom of AS except under durress, it is a symptom of sociopathy/psychopathy. This guy needs some dirt under his fingernails already and at least a year or so to figure out it was his problems before you should even think of talking again. What did his software ever do for you anyway?

Has his behavior been getting worse lately?

To be honest, I feel the guy's done enough already.

Obviously, I'm not "there"--but there are really strong indications that she could find a better guy, fancy car or no.

I think the important thing to do is to learn to appreciate your own company. You will be your own best friend. I self-taught by treating myself if I went out on my own, like buying something nice for me. Or taking myself out to a cinema on my own, in the mornings when there was no-one around. At the time I had lots of free cinema tickets, so I was able to do this. Going out in the mornings and browsing shops when they're empty is nice. Tell yourself that you've been through a load of crap and you deserve this. Because you do.

Also remember this - you don't have to explain yourself to anyone. You're in a council place because you have needs. There is nothing to be ashamed about. If people put you down for that and for not having a job, cut them out. To them it's moral and "right" and to them it makes them look superior. What people do is brag about how decent their morals are in order to put down others. This means that they're actually not nice people.

It's so hard to see when you're in a relationship, that someone else could possibly be better matched to you, or that there's anyone else so unique as them in the world. But that's just your emotions messing you about. You can always see, once you get rid of the love (eventually) that they really weren't for you at all.

Last edited by smudge on 13 Oct 2015, 10:57 am, edited 1 time in total.

Yes.

I can vouch for the truth of smudge's advice about your emotions messing you about, convincing you that he's the only one for you -- I've been there, and when I've managed to sever ties, I've gradually seen that I really had been wrong about thinking the relationship was worth saving, and the truth was the guy was all wrong for me and toxic for me.

You will see this too, in time, once you cut ties with this person. You feel like right now that might be impossible emotionally for you, but trust me, it's true to say that that's just the attachment you've formed tricking you into not wanting to let him go. It's called oxytocin bonding and if you feel it strongly for someone, it makes you feel like you can't live without them even though they are horrible to you. If you do end things, it takes time but eventually you see clearly that wanting to stay with them was a terrible mistake and you really are better without them. You will find this in time if you make the break from this guy. He is pure abuse.