What do I do about a controlling girlfriend?

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I have a girlfriend who is very controlling and feels like she has to have her way all the time. I work during the week and we only really get to see each other on weekends. Every single weekend, I make every effort to spend time with her. We go to dinner, take her son to the park, go to the museum, etc. However, there are times when I really do get busy because I have disabled parents at home who need my help and I also have errands and things that consume my time as well. But, anytime I get bogged down with stuff, she gets very upset at me, tells me I never spend time with her, that she's not my priority. This isn't true because I really do spend alot of time with her when I want to. Plus, anytime a friend asks me to hang out, she gets mad about that too. It's like it always has to be her way, her time, what she wants to do. I try to make time and try to make her happy, but everything I do doesn't seem to be enough for her. Also, there are times that I want to relax on my own because, having Aspergers, social interactions can be overwhelming sometimes. I don't tell her that and sacrafice that time so I can be with her because she gets mad at me. We've only been dating 4 months and it's like I'm her husband already. My parents have said not to take her business like that and that I should put my foot down and stand my ground, despite what she thinks. My girlfriend does seem to blow everything out of proportion when things come up and I can't be right then and there when she wants. They say I need to stand my ground now while my relationship is still early. There are a few factors in our relationship. She is an immagrant from Brazil and her English isn't spectacular. There are some miscommunications because of that. Plus, she has trust issues and is very insecure because of past relationships. She never trusts me in spite of my best efforts and she mistrusts me and thinks I want to do other things besides hang out with her. She even accused me of seeing other girls behind her back which is completely untrue. She is a very sweet girl and very caring. I don't want to lose her if I try and put my foot down on this. What do I do?

As you said, you've only been dating for four months, it's unreasonable to expect her to trust you already, especially if she has trust issues! You need to be patient.

If you're only seeing each other at weekends, (when YOU want to - your words), then I can see why she might feel like she doesn't see you enough. Extroverts really need people, it's a problem I've dealt with before as people often ''need'' to see me more than I ''need'' to see them. Sounds like maybe you're too busy right now for a serious relationship? Unless there's any way you can reduce your other commitments?

You also should tell her about your Aspergers-related needs, she can't understand unless you tell her.

We do see each other sometimes during the week, but we both work Monday-Friday. So, it's hard for both of us to see each other sometimes.

I went out with a woman for a few months last year who was like this, she nagged me because I dared spend some time preparing my kitchen for new units to be installed, rather than getting a "man" in so I could spend all my time doing what she wanted, I dumped her, thankful for the lesson she taught me, that a life along does have advantages.
I also see why all the attached men at work said I was mad to give up my independence for a woman.

1st Corinthians 7:28 "But if you do get married, you have not sinned. And if a virgin gets married, she has not sinned. However, these people will experience trouble in this life, and I want to spare you from that."

Break up with her. She's treating you poorly and you shouldn't be putting up with it.

I agree with your parents. Put your foot down. If you do not dig out your comfort space now, it will be much more difficult the more time you wait. If she can not respect you, well... you decide if she is worth it.

She clearly has some issues, notably with trust, and there may well be others that are even more difficult to cope with. It's early days yet and you clearly like her, but from what you say there is a good chance that things between you will get worse, not better. So I think you should give serious thought to breaking up with her.

I think you answered your own question, at least about what NOT to do. If you try to put your foot down, you may lose her. And you don't want to lose her. Also realize your parents are telling you to do that, because they are dependent on your help and so they naturally want you to spend more time helping them and keeping them company. They may feel a little jealous or threatened by you having a relationship with a woman.

Caring for disabled parents tends to become a priority over other things. So your girlfriend is probably right, although you're trying to spend as much time with her as you can, she's probably not as much of a priority right now as your parents. It sounds kind of like you're getting caught in the middle between her needs and theirs, and not finding enough downtime to be on your own. That's not her fault.

And you said you don't tell her when you need time alone to relax, you just sacrifice it to her. It doesn't sound like she's controlling you to do that, you just do it, and you're not being honest with her about it. She probably senses sometimes that you would rather be somewhere else when you're with her, and she can't figure out why. So no wonder she doesn't trust you. You're holding that information back from her and she doesn't understand what is going on.

Plus you said you spend a lot of time with her WHEN you want to. So she is probably also right about you wanting to do other things besides hang out with her. And only on weekends? Most people don't want to be in a weekend-only relationship. I think her feelings about this are understandable. It's kind of like you're just setting aside this particular block of time for her, and you feel like you're making a lot of effort to do that, but she doesn't want to be set aside like that. She probably wants to feel more like she's part of your whole life on an everyday basis. Maybe you're not ready for that right now, but if you're not I think you've got to tell her why and reassure her if you do want it in the future.

Do you have any siblings or other relatives who help out take care of your parents? What about hiring a nurse or other careworker? Being in that situation can lead to burnout. It's common for people taking care of their parents to start talking like martyrs (sacrifice, "everything I do doesn't seem to be enough"). Except you are using that language about your girlfriend instead of your parents. I just can't help but wonder if some of your feelings are getting misdirected here.

I agree. Instead of fighting back, just tell her that you don't want to be with her anymore and break up.

It seems most of my girlfriends have been like this. Let me save you alot of heart ache and tell you, she wont ever stop. No matter how much you compromise, no matter how much you hold your tongue and walk on egg shells around her to keep her from getting upset, it never ends.

The only way to deal with it is to speak up, if you just let it go on, you'll probably end up feeling terrible, and living in fear every day that you'll set her off somehow.

But you should know, growing a spine might lead her to breaking it off. Every time I'd stood up to women like this, they'd leave to find some other man to enslave and terrorize. You might get lucky though, I've heard sometimes women like this will respect and grow more attracted to a man who will stand up to them, but i wouldnt hold my breath.

^This, all of this.^

There's a lot of misogyny on this forum, I've noticed .

'Stand up to her?' WTF? She hasn't done anything wrong! The OP stated that she's 'a sweet girl, and very caring', and that he hasn't made her aware of his own needs? How is expressing your desires/feelings synonymous with enslavement??

I suppose this kind of behavior needs to be compared to the benefits. If it is a really sweet woman in other respects, it might be tolerable, but it does weigh in as a negative trait. OTOH, I don't think it is uncommon for women (and maybe especially neurodiverse, and possibly also guys) to want a lot of time in a relatively new relationship. So this might go away as the relationship progresses.

If you can't be honest and open with her about your aspergers and need to be alone, then that's on you, not her, and you should -expect- things like trust issues, lack of understanding, arguments etc. from her.

You -should- only spend time with your partner when you want to, to a large extent. To do otherwise is perhaps the worst form of dishonesty one can have in a relationship.

If you don't want her as much in your life as she wants you in hers, then that's on her to decide whether or not to stay in the relationship, since she is the person who is looking for more. It is about, in a sense, putting your foot down, in the sense that it's about knowing yourself what you want, what your priorities are, etc, and if you want to change them for her or not. Once you know what you want, you must express those wants to her. If that is not compatible for her wants, then perhaps the relationship -should- end.

Don't get confused with 'needs' versus 'wants' here either. If you 'need' to look after your parents first, then that is you -choosing- to look after them first.
Time alone is also, apparently, not something you 'need' because you've forgone that. Perhaps there are serious negative repercussions to doing so, but that's still a choice and not a need like water or love.

Sorry to say this but break up with her. This is a toxic relationship and don't ever hide behind the anxiety label or trust issues label to excuse her controlling behavior, it's a form of abuse. She could also be a narcissist because she is already accusing you of seeing other girls.

Oh Puh-lease that means nothing. Of course toxic people can seem charming and sweet and caring, my ex boyfriend sure was but he was a covert narcissistic who was controlling and very manipulative and managed to convince me I was low functioning and worst off than I really am and how self centered I am and how I am such a baby and like a little five year old and he would also ignore me as if I am not there if I wasn't acting the way he wanted me to be. I could back pedal and say "But he is such a sweet nice man and doesn't tell me to not do things, he just has anxiety and is always worried about being a pedophile and people thinking that of him so I am just being patient." He also didn't like me talking to other people online who happened to be guys (they had to be aspies only) or talking to my parents because he was sooo worried but it was because he didn't want to be found out.

The OP staying with her and trying to work with her and being patient is a big mistake because he will end up hurt at the end. Stay away from these people who don't want you to be with anyone else and who want you all to themselves and not go out with any of your friends or even be with your parents.

I will give you the benefit of the doubt though.