will my boyfriend come back?

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the past 1.5 years I have been on and off w a young man who has AS. I'm not diagnosed w anything but do have AS relatives.

Our relationship and dating history follows the same pattern: his intense initial enthusiasm, often fueled by him either being in need of affection or sex, and then he's sudden and unexpected distancing from me for no apparent reason. Some of the distancing he'd explain by his inability to feel love at ALL, though he said he did feel closer to me than to anyone else.

He generally dislikes too many if any questions or too much contact. So our interaction consisted of me telling him stories of what happened of late and him listening. It worked well.

The past few months we have been together and then, this past Sunday, he decided to distance himself again. I was distraught. I handle such rejection poorly and, having been sexually and physically abused as a child, I am emotionally vulnerable.

I have not heard from him in three days. His absence in my life is painful AND I wonder: will he return again if he has before? is there anything I can do to bring him back?

also, he's claimed he has NEVER in his life felt love for ANY one and that that made him pusj me back. he doesn't even love his mother whom I've met and is a very kind person.

I can totally relate to the lack of love thing. I personally don't love anyone, and never have really. I'm sure he will come back to you (but I'm just assuming as I couldn't claim to know such a thing), and when he does, perhaps you could ask him outright about everything. Try and establish his view on the ideal relationship arrangement. He may just be after the sex, and might find the emotional side of it all too intense.

I'm sorry to hear of your childhood abuse and vulnerability. Any neurotypical person would understand that, but some people (including aspies) are devoid of empathy and might not understand this. Being slightly less demanding on him might help? But again, I'm just assuming and trying to help.

thank you for the reply. I think you're right about my being less demanding, though I hardly was by most standards. However, I should apply less demands if he does come back.

Bear in mind if you give too much of yourself, you may end up losing some of yourself.

Disappearing sends a message. Unless you're willing to put up with this kind of thing -- "I love you so much I'm going to disappear periodically and mess with your head because I can" -- indefinitely, I'd recommend moving on.

no, he has said he's loved me and THEN said he felt nothing. Yeah, it doesn't look good.

I can relate to the "loving" someone but not really feeling anything. I love humans in general-so when I say I love someone it means that I am concerned for their well being and want them to do well. But, "love" in a romantic or traditional sense is a little harder.

I have gone months or even close to a year without making contact with people who I care very much for. I believe the reason is that I just cannot handle the social interaction on a constant basis and prefer solitude most of the time.

If he keeps coming back to you it means that he does care for you, but he cannot follow the NT social structure of constant contact and interaction. He is probably beating himself up over the fact that he acts like this as well because he knows that it is different to how everyone else behaves and he can't understand how to make the experience more mainstream. But, if it is really nagging you and making you feel worthless, then you should consider just letting him go and moving on.

I don't think this is anything personal, it looks like alexithymia. Some people have a hell of a difficult time identifying emotions, to me it seems like a survival strategy. He's probably identified the one perceptible sense and fixated on that. Anyone can feel something without percieving it.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

His behavior sounds more like BPD. The pushing and pulling and intense need for sex. It could also be alexithymia, which is extremely common in AS individuals. For me, I'm not really in touch with my emotions, but when I "fall in love" I can easily say that everything I feel must be love. I'm not sure if it is, but I would like to think so. When things cool off I start to worry and wonder if they feel the same way about me. Maybe it's better for me to say I want them to prove it. So showing their love becomes the best way for me to feel loved. Other forms of intimacy, but especially sex, are the best ways for me to feel loved.

That doesn't really sound like your boyfriend though, just thought I would share. I would say he will probably be back at some point, but it's probably best to tell him that you can't take him back.

I'd strongly caution you NOT to interpret this as BPD; a lot of us get that diagnosis and identify with it %100 but I got that diagnosis from being entirely misunderstood. My family ate it up and told me I should eat expensive, dangerous pharmaceuticals (side effects may include organ failure & loss of equilibrium). Try those if you dare, I'll stick to herbs. My own dad, who complains when I so much as light a joint told me to consume drugs he couldn't even pronounce for... reasons. Suffice it to say I did not accept family pressure to consume drugs nobody understands, furthermore I have yet to be convinced anybody really understands "Bipolar"; yes it's possible to flip between personalities but as OP is well aware that's going to be different for everyone. Telling someone to go away because they're bipolar is like saying "get out of my life and hallucinate until you're normal". In most cases, a person deciding to medicate themselves for bipolar is advised to tolerate years of deleterious, unsuccessful drug regimens before encountering one they can live with.

Lithium carbonate for example, interrupts the most elementary functions of the entire brain, and we call it medicinal. From what I've seen of its' effects, it makes ALL thoughts tiresome, NOT just the depressive ones. No different from the Lithium battery in your laptop/mobile going flat after ~2500 charge cycles.

Clearly, black & white reasoning will get us nowhere. I'm pretty much in an even more 'on-off' scenario but as difficult as it looks to everybody else it really beats knowing nobody on the whole planet who understands me.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

I was in one of these awful, awful relationships. I no longer care so much about the precise definition of him, but the descriptions of people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Psychopaths (dramatic word, I know) fit it absolutely.

Cycle: Idealise/Devalue/Discard. They adore you! You are wonderful! You are their everything! You're wrong! You're ugly! You're so demanding! You're so clingy! They don't do drama! Goodbye!

Then some time passes and your phone rings...

"Oh hi, there, person I dumped like a bag of rubbish! Yeah, just wondering how you are. Maybe we could meet. I am having such a hard time with [insert excuse for calling] and I need someone to talk to... "

They were wrong, they're sorry, how about a hug, how about a little lie down, down about, er...

Because they adore you! You are wonderful! No - wait - you're too clingy. You are causing them so much stress! They are out of here! Have a nice life and goodbye forever! Or rather, till the next time they feel horny and lonely and bored and no one else is entertaining them enough.

It's referred to as "hoovering". Every time you take them back they get a little bit nastier. Mine ended up with a moment when I thought he was going to kill us both.

No Contact. It hurts and hurts and hurts and hurts. But really. No Contact.

Not to show they how you feel, not to teach them a lesson, not to intrigue them into coming back. But to preserve your sanity and your physical well-being.

PS. If ever you are in a relationship where you are saying/thinking, "At least this person never actually hit me," or "At least it's better than being alone," - get out. Please. Run.

Funny, but I suspected he may be BPD. Alexythimia sounds about right.

Re thinking "at least he's not killing me." No, when it's good w him, I feel genuinely happy