Any NT/Asperger success stories?

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I'm NT, and my beloved, confusing, frustrating, brilliant, handsome, complicated boyfriend has Aspergers.

Can you tell that I'm just a little bit hurt by him & his actions right now?

I swore to him I'd be patient and I wouldn't just give up on him & us, that I would do everything I could do to be the best friend & girlfriend to him, and I am still determined to carry through with that promise. But there are times when I feel at a loss and I truly don't know where to go from here.

I guess I'm just hoping there are some NT/Asperger love stories - with happy endings!! - that I could read or you guys could tell me your own experiences, to make myself feel a little better. I'm just struggling with him a little bit today. I'm sure he will text me or call me tonight, tomorrow, some time, and I'll melt like a lovesick fool and perk up immediately but right now I'm just kind of.... well, as I said, confused and down in the dumps.

Just a hug and a pat on the back would suffice, as well!

<----Hugs and pats SluvsK!

I wish I could post what I'd like to but I'm on vacation and don't have much time. I recommend reading the book "Loving someone With Asperger's Syndrome" it will help you in times like these. Its a great investment! I'll come to the thread later and check on ya!

Same here, sister. (((hugs))) My weird, adorable, inscrutable, ferocious, insatiable, incredible, enigmatic, special guy will call me in . . . oh, September-October, I'd guess. That's good. He's going through a phase that gave me serious emotional whiplash. I miss him, but he's being squirrelly and a real PITA so he's protecting me from that. Don't get focused on what's missing. Think of all the ways he does show his love.

Well, I'm not sure if I qualify as a success or not, but I am the (probable) AS partner in an AS/NT relationship. We have been together for over four years and we are very happy. We live together and have discussed marriage and having a family. My boyfriend is studying at the moment, but we are planning on getting married the year he graduates and are saving up for that. He has asked how I want him to propose, because he knows I don't cope well with surprises.

However, my Dad also has AS traits. He is married to my Mum who is NT. Their relationship has been a disaster, and his inability to give my Mum any emotional support has caused her years of pain. The only reason they are not officially separated is purely financial (together they can get by, but separately they would both really struggle). So there is no happy ending there. My Dad is not diagnosed, and does not really accept about AS. I am in the process of plucking up the courage to go for a diagnosis.

I think it really depends on the couple and whether the AS partner can give the NT partner what they need, and whether the AS partner can give the AS person what they need. That need will be different for different people. If those needs are completely incompatible (for example, one partner needs a high level of attention and the other needs a high level of alone time) then that is going to cause issues.

In the meantime, have a hug.

Thank you so much, everyone - redrobin62, IlovemyAspie, waitykatie, SilkySifaka. I truly appreciate it.

ILovemyAspie - I will get that book! I've been meaning to, anyway. Thank you.

waitykatie - that's a good way to look at it. Think of the ways he does show his love! I should focus more on that. I think I am going to write down all of the loving/affectionate/funny moments we have had together so I can pull that out and read through it whenever I feel like this. Thank you.

SilkySifaka - thanks for sharing your story and that of your parents'... I am very hopeful and very devoted but it is also good to be realistic. Thank you.

My boyfriend of three years is NT, and we seem to be doing well, but I've had some disastrous relationships also. I really can't always meet NT emotional needs, although I've tried awfully hard, but I end up feeling overwhelmed and shutting down. However, some of those folks we're NT with mental illness. My bf now is not mentally ill, he respects my space, particularly if I let him know that I need space and why. He also handles a lot of my other issues well, comforts me when I freak out about change, stuff like that. He figured out about the yogurt and bananas for breakfast early on, and helps ensure I never run out. Social life is our biggest issue, he's very social, and I'm not. He wants people over all the time, which neither I nor my son can handle. We're trying to work that one out, haven't quite figured it out yet.

Good luck, I think its possible for NT/AS relationships to work, but I also think sometimes it's better to cut your losses before things get miserable.

Thank you for sharing your story.

I'm definitely not miserable. I love him, a lot. And I miss him! I want to be with him. He's just got me very confused at the moment, and I got discouraged. I don't ever want to express these feelings to him because I know he will feel as if I'm losing interest or I am upset with him in some way, which I want to avoid because I think this will blow over. As another poster said, I should look at all the ways he does show love and caring for me - like how hard he is trying to make this work, when it would be so much easier for him to just shut down and run away. But I do understand what you are saying.

Something from your post that jumped out at me is when you said, "I really can't always meet NT emotional needs, although I've tried awfully hard, but I end up feeling overwhelmed and shutting down."

That really describes what my boyfriend does, very abruptly and randomly. I should try to keep this in mind more often, and think about how he is not used to being in a relationship at all and his need for space. I will need to learn how to cope better when he gets overwhelmed and pulls back suddenly.

That's exactly what I do. It helps a lot.


It probably will. And it will probably repeat, and the cycle will grind you down to nothing. Don't be a martyr. Instead, at an appropriate time, you may want to consider expressing those feelings to him, because otherwise he likely has no idea that you have them, or that your commitment weakens each time. A few others here have done just that, along with suggesting one or two small, concrete things he could do to prevent your mood from bottoming out. The reaction has always been positive. Maybe also ask him to suggest one or two concrete things you could do to improve the relationship.

Thank you. It's not that my commitment weakens, because I'm just as devoted to him as ever... I just don't know where I stand in his life at times, and he can give off very mixed signals. If that makes any sense. I think it is because he gets nervous and wants to run, because he's so used to being alone and it has been a big adjustment for him to get used to growing so close to another human being.

I will think about your suggestion to gently bring this up with him... I am a little nervous about it, but I will think of a way to be very tactful and sensitive about it. I'm all ears if he has any suggestions.

I'll talk to him tomorrow - wish me luck!

I have not been diagnosed yet with having AS but my wife of 20 years is pretty convinced that I am an Aspire. I believe my love story with my beloved NT is quite a success. Married for over two decades with two wonderful boys one of which is showing symptoms of AS.
It wasn’t easy though and only through the graciousness of my wife did we make it this far. We have only recently begun to understand that my quirks are probably AS but we are working through them together. As it’s been said many times in this thread there must be a mutual respect and understanding for any relationship to be a success if one partner is in denial or won’t face the facts the relationship is doom and can only lead to heart break and misery. Hope only the best for you and your Aspie and know there are success stories out there although the road travel may be rocky sometimes.

Cheers

Thank you so much!

First: To the OP:

*hugs* *nods* I understand, I think.

Hang in there.

waitykatie: Same here. September-October or something, probably, that is. With my girlfriend. She's really overwhelmed right now and working on a lot in her life currently, and has needed to "time out" us for a bit to prevent a major crash, and, as she also said, in order not to take the stress out on me.

By the way, what does "PITA" mean? -Ohhh...pain in the a_ _ ? *laughs* I think I got it.

Anyway, if any partner of an Aspie/autie is in a similar situation at the moment and wants to spill or vent or have each other's ear & support, please feel free to drop me a PM. I'd welcome it!

*hugs* Good luck SluvsK! Certainly!

I really hope you two come to a helpful mutual understanding.

Thank you, Ember Of! How sweet of you.

Correct! I mean that in a loving way, of course.

His divorce lasted 2 1/2 years. Finalized 6 months ago. Any NT would have moved on loooong ago, but he's still feeling unsettled, and guilty over feeling like a bad parent. He also has some pretty paranoid, unreasonable trust issues, but I think a lot of that is from his alcoholic ex-wife's maltreatment. Who he still has to deal with, because they have kids in school, who stay with him every other weekend. I get it, but it doesn't make it any less painful, as our lives seem to be slipping away, day after day after day.

Coping with the long blackouts is the hardest part. I have a busy job, but I'm otherwise fairly isolated. May I ask, what are you doing with yourself while you wait? What is your frame of mind? How do you keep yourself energized, positive, hopeful? What gives you faith? What do you do in low moments, on bad days, when you're feeling depressed or hopeless or lonely?