My wife is asexual

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She might be reluctant to look up and learn about asexuality but I have a very strong suspicion she is. I've even only recently come to know what asexuality is all about and it doesn't mean someone who is asexual can't and never will have intercourse, just they don't have the desire 99.99% of the time. I mean, we have a kid who serves as an example of her libidinousness, however rare. And we have intercourse about (and I'm not exaggerating) 5 times in a year.

So, as a perpetually horny male (not saying men can't be asexual - just not this one), how can I best deal with few and far-between sex? Got any advise?

I mean, I'm not dissatisfied in our relationship. We're pretty happy. I just think more is better when it comes to sex. Just want some advice from someone who's experienced with topics concerned and related to asexuality.

Thanks!

I think you need to communicate how important this is to your wife, and make it clear that this negatively impacts your marriage. I personally don't care how if I don't have sex, but it's important to my husband and it is important to me because it is important to *him.* I don't think it's right for one person to say "no" to the other spouse because they're just not in the mood or whatever.

That being said, it's important to find out why your wife's libido is so low. I would encourage her to talk to her gynecologist to rule out or get treatment for a physical/hormonal condition. If it isn't that, and it's just "mental", hopefully knowing how important it is to the health of your relationship will be enough to convince her to get busy with you more often. If not, probably some marital counseling is in order.

My marriage would not have survived if I held out on my husband that much. It is important to get this solved, for sure. Spouses can be selfish by either demanding too much or not giving enough sex.

Sex is important to me but not at the cost of making my wife feel pressured or obligated to put out. I respect her boundaries and I could always just masturbate if my desire becomes too overwhelming. She doesn't want to have sex. Period. End of story. There is no discussion. Just putting it out there that's she's asexual and if you have experience in dealing with it in a manner that's respectful of her boundaries and will satiate me in the interim...

Just jerk off, right?

Thinking there may be more to it than that.

You could try taking medication that reduces your sex drive. I researched meds to reduce my drive(I have a high sex drive & was addicted to masturbation but am sort of on the asexuality spectrum) & I read more than a few posts by married guys who were taking meds to reduce their drive cuz their wife was asexual or had health issues & couldn't have sex a lot.

"I'm gonna tell you a secret: even though most of them will never admit to this, the large majority of women are either asexual or actively dislike sex."

This simply is NOT true.

Grue, if your wife is asexual and finds sex with you, at the very least, distasteful, then all the communication in the world will not solve your sexual mismatch. You can either accept it, cheat, or leave. The five times a year IS her concession to the marriage. She will not be able to understand your need for sex, just as you will struggle to fathom why sex is so unnecessary for her.

Then what's the purpose of this thread?

The female end of things (physically) are pretty complicated. If sex isn't done right, it is quite easy to have intercourse and the guy thinks "great" and the gal thinks, "OK, whatever." And if there is ignorance on how the female body works, no one would ever be the wiser that something is wrong. If the woman is good at faking having an orgasm, the guy thinks everything's good. If the woman responds in a "meh" kind of way, she comes across as asexual.

She could be not enjoying sex because she is never reaching climax. I am speaking from experience here. I went through a period of time at the beginning of my marriage (I won't say how long but I will say way too long) where I never had an orgasm. I had two kids, too. And we had plenty of sex because we had already had the discussion about how much my husband needed it. But if you (as a couple) don't know what you are doing, all the sex in the world is not going to get her to where she needs to be to be fully engaged.

What have you done to help her get "all cylinders on go?" (You don't need to answer this in public - just think about it.) Again, I am speaking from experience. Even a woman may not understand how her own body is supposed to work. I know in my marriage, we did some experimenting at one point and afterwards I was like "Oh.My.God! That's how it's supposed to work???" It changed our sex life because after that I started being able to notice the changes that needed to happen down there. Some of us need a little more time and assistance to get things to come out of hiding.

Relaxation is also a big, big deal. I have trouble relaxing (in all of life, not just in bed.) Being relaxed is very important for good sex. Kids, work, various kinds of stress, can all interfere. So, things like a back rub, candles, the room being clean and not too cold, and the dishes being done (seriously) are all helpful. Alcohol helps me too, though I don't always need it.

Have you taken your wife for a get-away, just the two of you? This can really help kick-start things because you would be removing a lot of stress for a couple of days. No chores, no work, no cooking, no kid, etc.

My point is that you need to find out *why* she is "asexual." It could be a permanent thing where she is just wired that way, or it could be a physical problem, or perhaps you both need to learn some things to make the experience better for her. I wouldn't just accept the situation as "this is how it's going to be for the rest of my marriage" without finding out if there is a solution to her low libido. If she is not enjoying sex and could, to not help her get there would be causing her to miss out.

I may not need sex often. I don't. But now I enjoy it when it's happening, and I have a lot more motivation and am open to a higher frequency of encounters.

If you've tried all that to no avail, then I suppose the sex-drive lowering medication would help. I had never heard of that!

A long use of sex-drive lowering medication would certainly lead you to Erectile dysfunction, probably permanently. I would be careful if I were you.

Neurodiverse asexuality has nothing whatsoever to do with low libido. It has everything to do with finding sexual intercourse disgusting. You cannot treat that with meds. You can agree to have sex even if you find it disgusting, but that is not likely to affect a relationship in a good direction. It's about time that sexuals stop presuming that asexuals needs to be cured. Sexuals can cure themselves with masturbation, or they could stop selecting asexuals as partners.

Even worse are the claims that if you just "do it right", then any asexual will be cured. That's pure BS. It doesn't work like that, even if many sexuals wished it did.

He proposed a reasonable solution that is not likely to affect his relationship in a bad way, which basically nobody else did. I think that is a purpose in itself.

rule #1: If someone keeps bragging about being asexual then they probably aren't.

While that's not exactly the point, I'm not sure it's ultimately that big an issue, assuming he can bring his sex drive down toward zero.

Imagine this scenario. As part of a new societal initiative, as a right to passage to manhood, all young men are required to give up their testicles for a full year. At the end of the year, they get them back. Pretty much 100% would have to be dragged kicking and screaming to the deballing clinic. By the end of the year, however, I bet a significant portion would have come to appreciate life without being constantly trip-hammered by desires that their SO's, society, or women in general don't seem to be inclined to give them. Why desire something that you can't get?

I suspect the loss of stress is the main reason that historically, eunuchs were taller, healthier, and lived decades longer than those around them.

As for the OP, I've been there, although 5x a year sounds like an orgy of earthly delights. I wish I could present you with an easy solution. This is one of the things that is inherently broken with monogamy. We like to pretend that two people's natural levels of desire can somehow be magically brought into alignment. Fantasy.

How is that? Is it even possible to "brag" about being asexual? I thought bragging about having sex with as many people as possible was the ultimate goal of most guys?

OP said in his first post that he *thinks* his wife is asexual, and that she won't even look it up. The only evidence he gave of this was the very few times per year they have sex.

I am not saying that his wife is NOT asexual. I am saying that there can be OTHER REASONS for her not being into having sex. *This* is what needs to be figured out. It is possible that she is not asexual.

It is all conjecture. All I am doing is offering a different perspective and possible solutions. I'm not saying I'm right.

And that's precisely why many women pretend to have zero interest in it.

Along with a small minority of guys that want to appear to be different/superior from most other guys.

You mean being a woman, it's a successful trait to brag about being asexual? I don't think so. That will lead to most guys finding her uninteresting. It's a fact that women too are considered as heroes when they brag about being sex maniacs. At least among most men.



Being asexual IS a superior trait. Regardless of gender.