Long Distance

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Okay, I'm NT and I have an Aspie girlfriend.
We have been talking for 10 months.
We live 14 hours apart.
We have talked on the phone/skyped multiple times.
We have yet to meet. She tried coming here to meet me twice, but both times didn't work out. I also attempted to see her, but that didn't work.

In the beginning of the year she told me she got a promotion and would be moving closer (3 hours away) the move got pushed back multiple times for different reasons. In our time getting to know one another we spent a lot of time talking about/imagining how it would be for her to live closer, we talked about me also moving to that city, and it seemed like things were perfect but now she doesn't bring it up at all (I'm assuming because she doesn't know 100% when she will be moving because of delays on the company's end).

I have stopped worrying about when she'll be moving because I noticed talking about it made both of us unhappy, but now my problem is that our communication has majorly slowed down! I know it's natural for couples to talk less after a while (when she was focused on me we used to talk all day everyday never running out of things to say) but we used to always talk out any problems we had and now any conversation we have about anything goes unfinished because she gets busy mid convo. A lot of times we will go most of the day without talking and when we talk it's not as personal as I'd like. I'd love to hear about anything that happened in her day. She has a lot going on- she works long hours, is going to school- and she told me that she can't focus on what she's doing and also text me.

I'm trying to get better at being understanding and giving her more time to herself, but I feel like that's only allowed her to talk to me less. She has told me before that she feels bad that she isn't providing enough for me. This makes me worry that I pushed her away or maybe that she feels I'd be better off without her?

How can we improve our communication?
When I ask to talk on the phone she always says she doesn't have time. I've also tried skyping, emailing, fb messages, and more recently I've attempted writing her letters but I don't think she'll write back/say anything. I considered writing to her & providing a stamped envelope so she could easily write back without too much hassle should I try that? or possibly mailing a journal back and forth for us to take turns writing in?

Would it help if I do my best just to relax, be calm? Maybe I was adding too much to her stress? She's told me that I should make myself happy by finding things to make myself busy, but it's hard to do that all the time

I love her so much and I am willing to try ANYTHING, but I'm just afraid that she isn't as open to trying because she has other priorities. I'm just hoping that with time things will improve.

Thank you for all of your help!

Is it 14 hours by car or by plane? If I were you, I would try to meet as often as possible. I live 10 hours away from my girlfriend. Almost every other weekend I take a bus to see her. I leave work early on friday, sleep in the bus, spend saturday and sunday together and then sleep on my way back. This helped us a lot. We get closer and closer after each trip.

Thank you for the suggestion! 14 hours by car. The only problem is she has a very busy schedule so I'm not sure that she's be able to dedicate time to me if I did travel to see her. I actually have a 3 day weekend coming up, but I think she has a lot of stuff to do for school. And I think it might be too much for her if I just randomly brought it up, but maybe if we plan it ahead of time? I love her so much and I just keep praying that we can find a way to be together and happy. I'm so worried that I'm going to screw things up. She is the most amazing person I've ever known.

Also I was wondering if I could have your opinion, I believe she hasn't been talking to me much because she's busy. Do you thing I should back off and let her have some time? (even though it's so hard not to contact her) I'm just worried that if I do that she'll continue talking to me less. But is it possible it could help?

Yeah, I know what that means. I work full time, study for my masters and work at a tiny startup.
I think you should plan a meeting. Have you asked her if she could free up a weekend to be together? For us, a specific target date is much better than something vague in the near future. It's great that you want to be together and I'm sure that if you both work towards this, you will succeed. If you can't meet on this long weekend that you have, could you meet for a day or two on the holiday season?


Maybe try to talk less but more frequently? A short call in the evening perhaps?

The problem is when I call her she typically doesn't answer but she'll text me after I call to say she's busy and if she does answer she'll literally only talk to me for 2 minutes. I think in the 10 months I've known her she has only picked up the phone maybe 5 times when I've called and lately I try calling once every few days.

I'm getting worried now because yesterday she texted me once saying one word and today she texted me after I attempted to call her she said "stop calling me please" I asked if she was 'done' with me and she said "no Jesus I'm working" and she hasn't texted me after that. 2 days ago she talked more, but not a whole lot. I'm afraid to say anything wrong.
Is it possible at all that she just needs some time to herself for a while? Like maybe she has a lot going on for school? I just don't know because anyone I've ever dated if they did this to me it was because they didn't want to be with me anymore.

nooo, I replied, then I had duplicate posts, then by deleting one both were erased, all interlaced with timeouts and lagginess... WP is having issues

Basically I said she might just be overwhelmed with life, or maybe even stressed out over something she did/said to you? I think you should talk to her and try to find out if she's avoiding you, or just stressed out and needing to keep to herself.

Is she busy during the whole day? Maybe she could call you on her commute to or from work?
Does she know you feel this way about her not returning your calls? Don't be afraid to say something wrong. If she really likes you, she will understand.

I totally just had an issue too when I tried posting grrrr..

Okay so I woke up this morning to a text from her and it was a link to a song, a love song. I told her how happy I was that she sent it and that I missed her and she said she heard the song and it made her miss me and she apologized for not talking to me. She said she just needed "space to figure things out" I'm not sure what she was figuring out or if she has worked through it 100% yet. I asked her if she still needed more time and she said only because she's sick right now she does. I've noticed sometimes when i ask her questions about things (through texting) she won't answer so I'll have to try asking again later or in another way, but usually she still doesn't answer. I don't like bringing it up a lot because I figure maybe there's a reason she avoids the question? but it always kind of sticks in the back of my mind until eventually I bring all of that back out again.

The good thing is she attempted to call me today while she was on a break at work! She very very rarely calls me. Unfortunately I was at work so I couldn't answer, but I made sure to strongly emphasize how happy I was that she made the attempt

Last edited by LynNT on 19 Nov 2015, 12:05 am, edited 2 times in total.

I've noticed that she responds best in the morning before she goes to work. After work she's either busy or needs her down time. I honestly am not sure if she knows how I feel about the calls. I always tell her how happy it makes me if she does answer or does try calling me. I feel like I complain too much sometimes so I am afraid to bring up everything. She told me a few times that she feels like she always upsets me. I'm a little worried that she'll end up thinking maybe i'd be better off with out her/she can't make me happy.

I've been in a similar situation before. It's possible she might not be interested, so I would not invest too much time in it.

I just have a hard time fully believing that is the case. She said she'd tell me if she didn't want to talk to me anymore and things have been semi-normal lately (like the way she speaks to me is the same) the only difference is she's been talking to me way less. I even asked her how she would feel if I came to visit her this weekend and she said she's actually going to visit her family, but otherwise she would have wanted me to.

In my case she was saying the same thing, but there was a lack of action to the words. I am not saying you should give up, but just be aware.

That makes sense thank you. It's also pretty much the same for me where she's saying things, but not backing them up with actions. Like saying she will call or will message me or a whole list of things, but I try to keep in mind she's got things going on. Can I ask you, the one doing that to you was she an Aspie or NT?